What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

[newmama]

Have fun GALing Gatsby!

Piano, YES, the closer to birth, the more anxious I was about WH and this part sucked- the more "helpless" I felt too!(I learned it is a typical feeling for any preggo) But he moved in for a week after the due date but before S was induced in case I went into labor. But I didn't.

And Babydoll- DO take those classes! I never wanted to go natural- I used an epidural and pitocin- BUT during the birth at one point they wanted to do a c- section due to his position and I remembered from the class that if I changed my position it could improve his. So I did and it helped and I avoided a c section!

[Babydoll]

Thanks NM and G, i did schedule the classes... did it bother you to be there without your H? i just hate that everything in my life is a constant reminder of how he left. NM i read some of your sitch today... does it get easier after the baby is born?

i find that the more pregnant i get, the more realistic it is that I am doing this alone and that nothing will everchange his mind... do you feel like this... do you think it is harder as the due date gets closer?

[gatsby11]

Hey, I'm back! 'Twas fun.

I wanted to post that yesterday I met a lady from work who went through a very similar situation to us! She commutes in to our school, so she's not always here. Also, she's in admin, so I didn't know her too well. (She's a bit older than we are.)

Anyway, she said that when the baby was born all of the WH stuff faded away. She did have a natural birth, though, so she credited some of that to the natural high that occurs at delivery. She also said that she thought of delivering without meds as a big F You to the baby's dad. (She discovered him cheating a month before the birth.) That anger helped take her through the delivery!

But I don't think that fading away happens with everyone, and it seems like something you say "in hindsight" (her baby's about a year now) as opposed to in the moment. So I don't know. NM probably has a better idea!

Glad you scheduled the classes! It didn't bother me, but that's because my WH was always sort of a baby himself. So I was relieved I didn't have to worry about his fears and anxieties. I only had people there who supported me fully. My best friend from out of town came with me to the first class and then my friend from work came to this past one and will come to the next one, too. You and your WAH have had much more contact than I and mine have, so that may make it a bit harder for you. But I suspect it could be easier than you think.

OK, off to catch up on other threads!

[gatsby11]

Okay, just finished talking with the in-laws. I'm putting random thoughts here, and I'll come back later to clarify.

+ He has a problem with a lot of parts of our marriage: my independence and "not needing him," how we didn't eat dinner together, how we did so many things separately

+ He acknowledges that we were a good team and very compatible in many ways.

+ He says that he still loves me and still considers me his best friend.

+ He says he's been faithful to me this whole time (besides making out with that one chick one time)

+ His parents definitely see him as being extremely selfish righ tnow. He even says that he is really selfish.

+ He is going through an identity crisis, and has a lot of anxiety right now.

+ He does want to be a part of the baby's life, and even has a goal from therapy for the three of us to do something together as a family (but not really he and I being a couple)

His parents don't like giving me info. . . okay, his mom doesn't but his dad does. . . but I told them they didn't have to give me info any more. Just to give WH the message that if he wants to talk, he needs to take the first step.

At first his parents thought that I should approach him and soon. His dad said How else will this marriage be saved unless one of you gives in? It took me a long while to really show them that even though I'm in NC, I'm not the one who doesn't want to communicate. If he wants to, I will. But he has to come up with it himself.

I think they still think of us as a unit. His mom doesn't like passing information between us because it replaces his and my communication. But. . . it's just really hard to explain to them. I told them I'd be willing to work on the marriage, but he didn't want to. It's easy for them to think of it as a joint decision, because everything in our lives up until now has been that way!

What else, let me see. . .

+ WH cried when his mom told him that I had to have another sonogram this week to make sure the baby was okay.

+ He teared up a couple of times in their conversation, but he held it together for the most part.

+ They're going bowling on Tuesday night.

I can't think of anything more yet. I'm exercising now, and I'll be processing what just happened. I'll come back a little later to probably add more.

[newmama]

Ok ladies- for me, when S was born, I wanted a family more than ever. When the 2 weeks of paternity leave were up and he moved out again, I was a wreck. I just was in disbelief and sad and miserable. Sorry. It was really hard. I seriously think if I had used my savings to hire someone or gotten a roommate or had someone there I would have been able to say F-you to WH and insist on the parenting plan (meaning he only comes over 2x per week for 3-4 hours each at that time in the baby's life- this is based on the parenting plan recommendations from our county- the family law section)

AND like I said, I had not discovered divorcebusting until he was 3 months old!

Gatsby, about your H crying. Yeah. Mine did too- I never saw him cry until I discovered the A. Then he cried a lot with the ultrasounds, shopping for S, baby tv commercials. And here is still with OW! NOW your H may be different so don't take my cynicism about crying to heart- it's just that I thought it meant something more and it obviously didn't!


And at the baby classes, there was one single mom who had her mom with her. I remember thinking that I could have done it by myself too.

[gatsby11]

Well, after processing, this is what I've realized:

+ Really, nothing's changed. He may be a little more open about the baby than he was a few weeks ago.

+ I'm grateful that his parents have fully heard my side and, I think, understand my points.

+ I'm irritated with how he pointed out all of our relationship flaws. Well, in reality, these were all faults, he thinks, of mine. So he is really still blaming me for being the reason why he left. (Seriously, you want to leave someone after 8 years suddenly because you didn't eat dinner together? Petty.)

+ Actually, I'm really irritated with the way he's portraying me in the marriage to his family. I could really go off on his neediness, baby-ness, never putting away his laundry-ness, fear of intimacy, selfishness, anxiousness, etc.

+ I'm tired of analyzing.

Yeah, NM, I think the crying just indicates his instability. Which is obvious. I think I did read into it more in the beginning, but now I see that it doesn't mean much. I guess I'm glad he's not callous. Thanks for letting me know your H did the same thing!

I should go. I'm rather irritable, as you can see. Grrr.

[newmama]

+

I'm irritated with how he pointed out all of our relationship flaws. Well, in reality, these were all faults, he thinks, of mine. So he is really still blaming me for being the reason why he left. (Seriously, you want to leave someone after 8 years suddenly because you didn't eat dinner together? Petty.)

+ Actually, I'm really irritated with the way he's portraying me in the marriage to his family. I could really go off on his neediness, baby-ness, never putting away his laundry ness, fear of intimacy, selfishness, anxiousness, etc.

Here's a topper- HE LEFT HIS PREGNANT WIFE.

nothing compares and his family knows it. Don't sweat it but we all beat ourselves up. So what- we have areas to improve. I acknowledged it, have been changing, and will be better for it for WH OR for the next relationship.

[Babydoll]

Gatsby, i read some of the comments your inlaws relayed to you regarding your H. I swear we could possibly be sharing the same H!

" + He has a problem with a lot of parts of our marriage: my independence and "not needing him," how we didn't eat dinner together, how we did so many things separately
+ He acknowledges that we were a good team and very compatible in many ways.
+ He says that he still loves me and still considers me his best friend.
+ He says he's been faithful to me this whole time
+ His parents definitely see him as being extremely selfish righ tnow. He even says that he is really selfish.
+ He does want to be a pa
rt of the baby's life, and even has a goal from therapy for the three of us to do something together as a family (but not really he and I being a couple)"

My H said similar things to me! What makes me so angry is that all of the things above, and reasons why they say they left, are all fixable!! For example, my H said his studies pushed us further apart, we didnt spend as much time together like we used to, etc. etc.... but nothing which struck me that he would leave!

We just have to remember to ignore what they say... i know, i know easier said than done! but our H's obviously have to come up with something to validate what they did. Looking back over your list, you should be proud of yourself! He doesnt know how good he had it... no where on that list does it say he left you because of your infedility, or b/c you were insane, or bc you were violent or on drugs, or because you were lazy or hurtful, or a mean person! He has no real good reason for having left... except for his own personal issues.

What everyone tells me over and over is that H left because he has his own life issues to sort out... none of which really have to do with me... in your case you... your H wants to point the finger so badly at you for things like not eating dinner together? really... was it so hard to say "Honey, i miss having dinner with you?" or how about he cook a meal or take you out to dinner and try to do his end of the bargain? are they real grounds for a separation? NO!

What I am saying is dont take it personal... his parents, I am sure, think the same thing too.

I am not sure about you but my 3 month separation has taught me so many things I want to fix about myself, and things in our marriage I would fix immediately if given the chance. Hard part is that our H's are too withdrawn and scared to see that we are really capable of doing so.

My inlaws call to keep in touch and keep it brief or ask about my pregnancy, but no longer ask or do i tell them about the H and I's conversations and so on. I relied on their help too much in the beginning and it caused more anger and distance between H and me. I was desperate... now looking back i am not sure I woud have called them or asked for their help the same. the night i recieved the D papers, i called and felt they had nothing to give, they thought i wanted the divorce too... i took things the wrong way... Big mess, which later involved FIL coming over in tears to apologize. and since then H and I only communicate through one another and have no go between... it is actually much easier for me. i dont have to analyze what they say, or think if its their interpretation or what H really said. My psychologist told me at the time, i shouldnt have brought them into it and only made H feel attacked and wasnt helping me... in the end it is their son. they will do anything to protect him. Not sure that it works for everyone, but since we kicked everyone out of it... we have been able to get along much better.

But not sure if that is good in a great way... H thinks we are best friends... and since i told him yesterday it couldnt work that way, hei s now angry with me...

and so the cycle continues... two steps forward... one step back...

Sleep tight!

[gatsby11]

It's so funny you ended with "sleep tight"-- I'm awake right now, PISSED!

You both have really good advice, thanks. It's nice to read right now.

Thanks, BD, for saying what I think-- all these things are fixable!

I guess I have double frustration here. I am soooo pissed at WH for, in my opinion, turning his family on me. I have always loved his family and been very intertwined with them. And now all they hear about me is all the reasons why he couldn't be with me. Coincidentally, they jive with what his mom already thought-- I should have cooked more or been more affectionate or gotten him more presents.

BARF!

Just like NM said, he has the topper. So that gets me to the second frustration-- his family ignores all of his faults. I do blame WH for that, too, because he is SUCH a smooth-talker. My WH's talent is to spin a situation so that he looks good. He's done it our whole marriage, and it was often to my benefit. But now I'm the butt of it.

So I'm hanging out with his mom again tonight, and I'm going to say something. I'm probably going to say, "Overnight I realized that WH is still blaming me a lot for the ending of the marriage. It really bothers me, and I want you to know you are only getting not even half of the story."

And yes, BD, I have to stop the communication through them. But it still bothers me that I will know he's saying these crappy things and there will be no way to defend myself. Maybe I'll say "Yes, it's good that WH and I don't communicate through you guys anymore. But I just have to say now in my defense to take everything he says with a grain of salt."

They are truly a huge part of my life. I've always really liked and depended on his family. And how I feel like they are sharing the critical eye that he has for me.

I'm so mad, I even want to confront WH in person.

I don't know. I would wait 'till after his family leaves, and I know you guys will probably suggest I shouldn't, but I am so angry. I protected him to my family, still. I made excuses for him.

This is our problem! That's what I did-- made excuses for him.

So. . . I'm truly just venting, and hopefully I can get back to sleep. Thanks!

[gatsby11]

Didn't get back to sleep 'til 5:45 and now I'm dragging. . .

I've decided that I am going to write his parents an email today. I do want them to read it before they see WH again on Tuesday. My main goal is defending myself to them.

Let me know if you have any thoughts!