Today was tough for me. I felt sad and teary for most of the day. My H texted me 2x after the email to ask if I got his email. I didn't respond to him.
I feel a lot better after going to IC. Talking about everything really helps. IC believes my H is empty inside. She believes that after we talk thru everything...I will question my reasons for marrying a man like him. She provides good insight into everything.
I am going to stop wearing my decoy ring next week to work. I need to stop pretending. I think this will be a big step for me in accepting what is to come.
One plus in all of this..I get my maiden name back. My married name is awful. I know this will get easier with every passing day.
It is going to be tough for a little while just stay strong and know that all these feeling have to be felt so you might as well get it over with.
My business? I do mergers and acquisitions. I am a principal in a small boutique firm. Business has been horrible for the past few years, but getting better!
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thanks Grit Another tough day. H called today several times..I finally answered but probably shouldn't have. He wanted to come by tomorrow to discuss finances. We ended up having a lengthy conversation about finances instead. These conversations make everything so real. H said this is torture..I agreed.
My SIL called me last night again..telling me that she loves me and that I will always be part of the family and then we cried. I don't think I have cried so deeply than in the past couple of days. I hope this gray cloud lifts soon. I am not a naturally sad person so this is so tough.
I went to buy a dress for a wedding that I am going to next weekend. The maker of the dress I bought was my H first name. Walking thru the mall..someone is trying to spray the perfume Lola on me..the perfume my H bought me for Christmas. I am on the escalator and the people next to me are talking about a friends divorce. i just feel like I am suffocating. There is no escape. I wonder if he feels the same thing. The constant reminders of the life we are leaving behind slapping you in the face.
I know that finding someone else this soon is not a good idea..but I so badly just want to move on.
I dated a man before my H for four years..our breakup wasn't easy..but I was only 25- just starting my career. My friends were mostly single and it just felt like new beginnings...and that is exactly what it was. I had a blast. Now it is so different- my friends have husbands and children. I have financial responsibilities after buying this house that will limit what I can do- after traveling the world with my H and doing so many things..life just seems bleak.
Remember this one thing that you're mourning, and missing...
You're mourning the image of a M that you do not have right now. I feel those same things. I feel like all of my friends are M; and now I won't be and now I'm a pariah. It wasn't supposed to be this way. In reality, the image of my M was really just that, an image made up in my mind. I never really had it, because she never really gave it to me. I lived a lie as much as she did. Only difference is that I would have fought to keep it and make it better.
It's unfortunate for all of us here on these boards; but cheer up. It does get easier...with time.
In reality, the image of my M was really just that, an image made up in my mind. I never really had it, because she never really gave it to me. I lived a lie as much as she did. Only difference is that I would have fought to keep it and make it better.
What do you mean by this? I think this is how I am feeling too..but I am not sure if I am feeling this way because of his A..and all of this other sh*t that came along with it. My H spent so much time in the past couple of months telling me all that was wrong with me and our M..I am not sure what is real anymore. I am starting to doubt that I ever really loved him. It is an awful feeling.
Is anyone ever 100% happy in their M? When I talk to my friends...there are always issues. Everyone always wishes they had more of this or more of that. We envy qualities in eachother's spouses that our spouse doesn't have...qualities in other people's M that our M didn't have. Is it just the "grass is greener" syndrome? ...or was my marriage just a sham?
I am starting to doubt the whole M thing. My MIL was telling me the other night about two of her sisters that had affairs..and their husbands. Her BIL had an affair. Her best friend's H had an affair...then the best friend had a 10 year affair with the handyman. You read so many articles.."I don't love my spouse".."I don't find my spouse attractive"...etc etc
Thanks Grit. Going out to dinner tonight for a friends birthday. A friend of mine came over last night...she joined my pity party. She was having a pity party on her own because her H was being a jerk. There was a lot of runny mascara and wine.
I actually have a headache today. I think I am going to take a shower and jump back in bed and cuddle with my dogs for the day. I know each day this will get easier. I know I have to deal with the pain...I can still wish for a fast forward button.
H called before..and is coming over to show me how to use the lawn mower and to cut the grass. He sounded very down. He asked how I was doing. I told him OK. He said he feels like a failure. I told him I did too. He told me that I had no reason to feel like a failure..I told him that I was 50% of this marriage. I told him that I felt like our M was a sham..he said it was not a sham...we married for the right reasons and had good intentions. He told me he never stopped loving me.
thank you THS. H just left. I cut my first lawn. It looks more fun than it actually is..but it was liberating.
H and I spoke for about an hour. He was pretty down. Says he doesn't know if he believes in M. That he regrets what he has done. If he could turn back time..he would have done it differently. Says he is just very unhappy..unhappy with everything. Needs to do something about his job..he may just pick up and move somewhere else- looking at the middle east???? I told him that I don't think I will get married again. He said that I may change my mind when I meet someone that treats me much better than he did..and that won't be hard to do. H doesn't know if this is the right thing to do..but feels like too much damage has been caused by his recklessness. He misses me. He doesn't have many friends. Just complete hopelessness. H says he has only two emotions..happiness and anger.
I feel a little bit better now. I am in a much better spot than him. We hugged long and hard and he left with tears in both of our eyes. I then went and cut the lawn.
