Show of hands - expose or not - success stories

[saffie]

he had a few drinks, and became cold again.

Drinking alters people - this needs to stop.

The whole thing passenger is to do what works. You are there and seeing the consequences.

It seems that when you withdraw emotionally he pulls towards you but when he knows he can get a reaction, (like with the FB thing), he still knows he's got you hooked. I would play nice but distant and look after yourself. Give yourself some emotional downtime and stop worrying about intel and every breath he takes for a while. IMO he is enjoying the intensity of it all and keeping you hopping.

I wouldn't get cross or snarky, just pleasant and distant.....and make sure you look good too!!!!!

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

[Marked&Healed]

Thanks MrBond and Saffie. (I needed hugs too. )

I think you're both right. He draws towards me when I'm distant, PLUS being distant/detached is good for my PMA.

Going to stop worrying what he is doing and start paying attention to me again. I've been drug down into his drama and every time he is able to do that to me, he feels smug and knows he still has me. When he worries maybe he's losing me/losing control, he starts trying to get my attention again and feeling down about himself.

This is entirely his bag. He's the moody one with the drinking problem. I'm the (usually) put together girl with the options and future. LOL.

At work, several people have noticed the changes in me. The HR director said it's more than just weight loss, it seems my whole personality has been transformed, that I seem happier and just more free. I guess if they are seeing it, H must be also.

He got upset when he found out I had plans this weekend. At first, I was touched, thinking he wanted to be with me, but b/c of Allen's insistence and insight, I see instead that he wants to control me and when I was out of his control, now he was not feeling good. That's why he first showed interest (you're going out?) and then showed he didn't "care" (oh,never mind, have a good time) - LOL. That email was so transparent, I just wish I had not been so close to it and emotional last night, I would have seen it better/clearer.

I think for right now, I'm going Bo Peep - JUST until I'm able to get more intel and spend some time drawing him towards me and seeing if it works... spend a few weeks doing that. I'll gather intel during this time and then hopefully, I'll be detached enough and feeling enough PMA that I'll be able to make wise, stand up decisions like Puppy mentions... what God would do to one of his children. Right now, I just am too close, too emotional, too reactionary to everything. If I do Ghandi right now, I'm going to screw it up big time. Yes, he needs consequences, yes he needs to know I will NOT be a door mat, but right now, I'm feeling like a door mat because I'm not strong enough - so I am going to spend time on myself for a while.

Pray for me those who pray.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

For the moment I would be nice to him, whilst still be clear about expecting NO contact with OW and see what happens until you can find out more OR decide what you want and what is best for you.

This is where Passenger was when she came to us. It hasn't worked.

It never works.

Puppy

[Marked&Healed]

Puppy, the inlaws think I should leave H alone to raise the kids and deal with the day to day on his own. To see what he would be missing without me around. What do you think of this? If I GAL and tell him I'll be going out on weekends and I'll be spending evenings doing things for myself, he'd be stuck with the kids, grocery shopping, making dinners, paying bills, taking care of the animals, dealing with the fights, homework, drama of teenagers, etc. Is there any merit in this approach (in addition to the rest?)

[saffie]

Originally Posted By: saffie


For the moment I would be nice to him, whilst still be clear about expecting NO contact with OW and see what happens until you can find out more OR decide what you want and what is best for you.

This is where Passenger was when she came to us. It hasn't worked.

It never works.

Puppy

I disagree - she came to us wondering whether to expose or not. She did that and THAT hasn't worked. Her H is about to exit the door. IMO a change in strategy is required as I think he wants out.

I also think passenger is all over the place and needs to take a mental break, regroup, and look after herself.

Passenger - re read your post before Puppy posted.

[Marked&Healed]

To be clear, I think H WANTS to exit, he has fantasies about it, but he is not mentally or emotionally ready to exit. He hasn't made any plans, has no where to go other than a friend's couch, etc. I just don't want to push him to the point that he IS making plans...

I should make a note that I spoke to my lawyer and he says I can drag a D out for about 2 years in our state. I was worried about that b/c it's a no fault state, so I thought if he filed, I'd be done with... not true.

[Marked&Healed]

I was just on fb showing a pic of OW to my someone and H was on. Came on chat and said "good morning" I replied "good morning" he said "you must not be in a class if you're on fb." I laughed out loud... it's bugging the heck out of him not knowing where I am and who I'm with. Maybe I can salvage this weekend anyway.

I said I was worried about DSS (he had a fight with him yesterday) and was checking his status to see how he was doing. I told him I knew he could handle it, he's a good dad and will make the right decision. Then told him I had people to meet and places to see, and have a great weekend and signed off.

Now, I'm off to take care of me. Going to have a fun day of shopping, sight seeing and forgetting. Peace everyone and thank you all for posting on my thread.

[Lotus]

Pass,

I'm glad you avoided more confrontation last night. This weekend is a minefield for both of you because you both know that you were supposed to go to Retrouvaille. For you, it's a big disappointment because he reneged on a promise and your birthday present. For him, he is a "bad boy" and he knows it, he got away with doing what he wanted, not what he "should" do, and he thumbed his nose at the big bad controlling wife. So, this is not the weekend to be with him. Period. Get out of there, just as you are planning to do.

[JacT]

Pass,

Stay away from FB its too tempting for you not to respond.As I say time and time again YOU are the important factor in all of this.I can sense you are worn out with it all.Invest your time in energy in making you feel better.It maybe for the time being your M needs to take a back seat.
You get into the driving seat in terms of contact.If he wants you he will come looking for you...if love is meant to find a way it will..if it doesnt maybe it wasnt meant to be.Saffie has had a positive outcome..listen to what she has to say.Stay strong......lots of hugs.

[MrBond]

I don't think there's anything wrong with going on FB. It's a matter of figuring out what to do when your H tests your boundaries. Stand strong.

I understand what you mean about being indecisive. Before my W and I were engaged, she wanted to break off our R. I begged and pleaded, but ultimately let her go. I found a new GF soon after and after my W found out, she came running back.

Now we're in the same sitch, but the circumstances have changed with the kids, house, etc. So I feel I can't do the same thing I did before by just letting her do whatever.

I have been nicer to her and gotten better results. Now mind you, it's taken 2 years, but I think she is going through alot of stuff in her own head but won't seek any help for it. That's up to her. I do what I can do for myself. It's not easy but you're going to have to do what you feel the most comfortable doing.