MLC or not?

[cat04]

Fixer,

Well I almost don’t know if I need to respond as so many have done so very eloquently.

Let me start by saying I may have a recent register date, but this is my second go round with MLC. I have been dealing with this on and off since 1998. I have made every mistake there is, and I have tried things that people on this board have never mentioned, some with success, as he returned after 2 years the first time, some not so well. However, it wasn’t until I really worked on myself and started putting my focus on building my life versus my marriage, that I was able to see my situation clearly.

While I do not always advocate going dark, I do not see it as part of LRT. Which really, if employed correctly is not a technique but a state of mind. Saving a marriage is not about manipulation and ploys, stroking of egos, making changes that don’t last or are not right for you but for the sake of the marriage only. It is about two people being willing to work through their issues, together and separately. It is about learning how to forgive, learning how to communicate, and learning how to be interdependent, not co dependent.

In GF’s case, she needs to go dark, so that she can work on herself. If her H came back now, NOTHING would be different. While that might be okay for her, I can see it leading her back here shortly. From her own words….

I know I'm wasting a lot of time and energy, but just can't stop thinking about this whole mess. It consumes me all day at work and where ever I am. All I do is think and think. I'm so depressed that I'm on my 4th antidepressant and lost over 25lbs that I couldn't afford to lose.

It's just that he confuses me so much and the kids.

I almost lost my job also, due to missing so much work because of the depression. All I did was sit and think and cry. How could he do this to me and the kids?

I'm having a terrible time detaching. I know the GAL thing and all of the other advice but when you suffer from depression this is very hard to do. Plus the panic attacks make it worse,

I know hanging on is toxic, but I just don't know how to drop the rope.

I guess my biggest fear is losing my spouse. You are so right. I do define myself by my dreams for the future that we both had.

These are not words of a person who is ready and able to put a M back together. These things are just from this thread.

These are words of a person who continued contact will confuse her more. She has been here a year. I do not know if she is any better emotionally now than when she received the bomb.

As far as her H being in MLC…

You are right we don’t know, only Goodfight can make that decision. However IMO from reading just this thread, it would not surprise me in the least.

Fixer,

I believe in treating the MLCer with as much loving kindness as possible. Sometimes, the most loving and kind thing we can do for them, and for ourselves, is to leave them alone.