I think last night would have gone beautifully if I hadn't passed along mom's invite to H. He was emailing me, showing he was curious where I was going for the weekend, earlier he had told me I looked nice and looked lost and lonely when I kicked him out of my car after our talk. He was "missing me" in a way.
Instead of going away and letting him think about me while in that mood, I invited him to mom's for dinner. We had dinner, played games, he had a few drinks, and became cold again. Driving home, he sighed several times, I asked if he was OK, he said no, he was "thinking" like always.
In other words, I gave up an opportunity for him to miss me and think about me. It's 6 am and I'm about to leave. I may be able to salvage those feelings he had, but it's unlikely. Being away from me seems to make him miss me, and being with me makes him remember why he doesn't want to be with me. Or at least gives him fuel for thinking he doesn't want to be with me.
I agree about fb not being enough intel, I need more intel. I have a plan for that - not sure if it will work, but I'm going to try. Once I have good intel, I will institute consequences. I don't want to push him out the door for a fb post. I'm scared. I need to detach. I know I do, but it's gone so fast and so far, I'm just terrified of losing him. I will admit that.
Saffie is right about his kids siding with him. They would not confront him with me, only D would, and that's not enough of a consequence for him. I don't have anything other than packing his bags and I believe that would be the end of us. Entirely and completely, he would be gone. I want to be tough and stand up and take my self esteem as a priority, but I can't see how to do it and still keep H.
He is such a child, when he wanted to put the dog into the bedroom last night, he knocked on the door. He does that to show me that we're separate or whatever. I just ignore it. It's dumb, it's his bedroom and he's never knocked before. He needs more time away from me, I think. He needs to see me looking good, having a good time, and wonder where I am. It seems to work.
I hear what everyone is saying about confronting and consequences, but this is the real world and he is trying to push me out the door. He is trying to create a rift in our R where I either push him out or leave myself. What will be accomplished if I fall for it and do just that? He'll either get the house and move her right on in, or else he'll leave and D me and then come back for the kids...
Instead, I have to draw him towards me, make him miss me. I just don't see any other way. I feel this is an exit A, or as Saffie is saying, it's becoming that way, but I don't have intel to know for sure. I don't have any bargaining chips. The only thing I have is me, and I have to make him remember why he loves me so much. I know he still has feelings for me, but times like last night where being with me pushed him away are helping bury his feelings for me. When I'm not around, his feelings come to the surface more and he wants to be with me, he's drawn to me. At lunch, it was very, very clear that he wanted to stay with me. He thought I looked pretty, things he hasn't been thinking/saying for some time. I think I'd be in a very different place if I had gone away yesterday.
