Show of hands - expose or not - success stories

[saffie]

passenger,

I know you are scared of what might happen if you try to implement consequences. I completely understand and empathise with that. To be honest, until you reach that either 'done' feeling, or get to the point where you know you will be ok without your H, I don't think you will implement anything that has any great affect on your H.

He is baiting you with the FB thing - that's obvious as it was the first thing you say he came in and talked about. You rose to the bait. FB causes all sorts of misunderstandings and people also use it childishly to hurt one another - just don't go there. It doesn't give you the sort of intel you need, but I feel it does stop you thinking clearly; it gets your H putting you on the defensive and unsettled - and look at all the strong responses that little titbit of information has created on your thread!!!

You don't know the full state of things at the moment and so I feel you would be stupid to implement anything much without knowing more facts - not stupid FB stuff - proper facts.

I have slept on this before I replied to make sure I felt the same about your H's behaviour today as yesterday.

Sex with you was when you said he had been drinking. Since then he has removed himself from the bed, (to avoid drunken temptation and make sure he doesn't give off the wrong signals OR to wind you up, you just don't know). he does not eat your food or let you do stuff for him - sounds to me like it is getting more like an exit A. I therefore think that offering him his bags will see him walk. That's not the end of the road - some M's need a bit of a break, but based on your H's past history that might not be good.

Also,IMO don't involve the children; ultimately they are his responsibility and his blood tie. They might not like what is happening , but I would bet good money they side with him eventually.

I don't think you can do more without knowing what is going on, and it is only worth finding out IF you are willing to deal with the fact that he might well leave.

For the moment I would be nice to him, whilst still be clear about expecting NO contact with OW and see what happens until you can find out more OR decide what you want and what is best for you.

Would you rather shorten the pain but possibly have no H at the end of it, or live with it longer and maybe have your H - or still maybe not. My gut is telling me now that you don't have enough info to take the short road at the moment anyway.

I took the short road and it worked out. Speaking honestly though, I didn't think it through, it was just either get rid of OW or we are done - I KNEW that was how I felt. I don't think you are clear at all what you are doing and it is stopping anything you do being effective. You are sending out mixed messages which then allows your h to continue to be an A$$.

When dealing with difficult children you choose a course of action and then stick with it - this is no different. An analogy would be a child that mithers on wanting a treat for hours. If at the end of say two hours you are so tired you give in and give the child the treat they have learnt that mithering gets them something and so they will continue to act that way in the future and you just end up getting grief all the time. Instead you either decide to give them the treat straight away and be done with it or you don't give it at all and they learn mithering doesn't work. BE CONSISTENT