Messed up

[jt2007]

Thank you both for the encouragement.

Trying to get my crying, and ranting spells under control, so I can have a rational moment of thought. Its difficult but Im coming around gradually. Writing it out really helps, I can always refernce my goals or thoughts during an irrational moment.

I am just now learning about what things went wrong with what I thought was a relationship and the way it was suppose to be.
I knew there were things I didn’t enjoy but I thought it was what everyone was saying about having to work on the marriage.

I realize now how he talked to me and treated me from the beginning was not indicative of a “normal” loving relationship toward each other.

My friends basically left me because they couldn’t be around it, and for some reason, I still haven’t gotten all figured out, I let him use me like that-- while I used him ( for security I’m guessing at this point).

I thought at some point we were doing it the right way, different from our own messed up childhood families…but guess we tried and it didn’t really work right.

Now H is 40 and rethinking everything….just might have been the best thing for both of us….but not for our Kids….
I still want them to have their mom and dad under one roof, but I’m not sure he is doing any of the same soul searching in the same direction as me.

In reading what I have so far on abuse, MLc, divorce, and “healthy” marriage these are my thoughts:

Being able to read it and understand it logically is different than it becoming a part of how I think and react. These “unhealthy” things are deep rooted from way back.
I think I might be able to kill off the leaves but not sure how to get to the roots yet.

I do have a lot of work ahead of me.
It almost feels impossible, like changing the ocean from blue to red.

I have to believe and be able to practice what I am learning. EVEN if it seems counter intuitive..

Thanks again, your help and opinions are very much appreciated.