You've intrigued me here. Would you elaborate more on your thinking here? I'm interested in hearing what you think about this.
I was trying to suggest that perhaps, but not for sure, if he could see the actual in and out of all money, he might be able to see your full financial picture. I'm guessing only when I suggest that seeing his contribution and discussing it as important while insufficient may do the following: - remind him that he lives a better life thanks to your abilities - remind him that having a free house is saving a lot of money - show him that his income does pay some bills and that it is valued - make him feel safe that you aren't 'hording' away money to leave him or restrict your way of life to control (or whatever fear he may have)
On a different note, reading through your thoughts, I have been impressed by how many things you have attempted - a true overachiever!
I can see why you're baffled somewhat by his stance. As I've read and read, I've noticed that there were many emotional needs I just didn't meet. Not on purpose, but I just didn't do them. The same holds true for my W. Over then next week or two, or months, keep looking for those needs of yours and his. Try to meet them, even in his absence. When you are ready to date, you'll be able to show him that awesome new (but still changing & growing) future for you both.
I can get the fear with dating, but isn't wondering a worse fear? If you ask him for something small and he reects, you at least know where he's at now. Right now, you don't know much. Why not try it?
You've intrigued me here. Would you elaborate more on your thinking here? I'm interested in hearing what you think about this.
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I was trying to suggest that perhaps, but not for sure, if he could see the actual in and out of all money, he might be able to see your full financial picture. I'm guessing only when I suggest that seeing his contribution and discussing it as important while insufficient may do the following: - remind him that he lives a better life thanks to your abilities - remind him that having a free house is saving a lot of money - show him that his income does pay some bills and that it is valued - make him feel safe that you aren't 'hording' away money to leave him or restrict your way of life to control (or whatever fear he may have)
I understand now. Thank you for clarifying. I don't think he's been able to see a full financial picture, so your thoughts are very valid.
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On a different note, reading through your thoughts, I have been impressed by how many things you have attempted - a true overachiever!
Uh oh! To what do you refer here?
And yes, I'm definitely an overachiever. You have me pegged!
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I can see why you're baffled somewhat by his stance. As I've read and read, I've noticed that there were many emotional needs I just didn't meet. Not on purpose, but I just didn't do them. The same holds true for my W. Over then next week or two, or months, keep looking for those needs of yours and his. Try to meet them, even in his absence. When you are ready to date, you'll be able to show him that awesome new (but still changing & growing) future for you both.
I think there were some needs he and I both didn't meet for each other, but I didn't realize it as it was happening.
It's good advice to try to meet his and my needs even though he is not here. I have a tendency to ignore what I need. I overwork and overdo, and I demand too much of myself. I do not demand too much of others, but I'm extremely hard on myself.
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I can get the fear with dating, but isn't wondering a worse fear? If you ask him for something small and he reects, you at least know where he's at now. Right now, you don't know much. Why not try it?
Wondering is bad. I don't like wondering, not knowing, and being in constant limbo. I should try it. I'll think on my plan of action or how I can start small.
Finally, the weekend. This was a long week. It was the week that time stood still.
Even though I'm glad it's the weekend, I'm discovering I have a new concern, and I'm not really sure how this developed. I am anxious about the possibility of H wanting to come by over the weekend. Just a couple weeks ago I was dying to see him. Now I'm worried that I will.
I know when I've not wanted to see H it's been because I haven't felt like putting the energy into DBing, and because the distance between us feels unnatural and awkward. You don't have to see him if you don't want to! I have no choice because of the kids.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I know when I've not wanted to see H it's been because I haven't felt like putting the energy into DBing, and because the distance between us feels unnatural and awkward. You don't have to see him if you don't want to! I have no choice because of the kids.
This could be it. I don't have the energy to do that right now. I agree on the distance feeling unnatural and awkward. It's too hard to treat my spouse like he's a mere acquaintance.
I think I may be going into self-protection mode after all this time. I don't want to suffer the sadness and heartbreak every time I see him, so it seems easier to distance myself and avoid seeing him. On the other hand, am I doing what he does when he escapes?
Don't forget that I'm a worrier by nature, so the list could get extensive. Here are a just a few concerns:
*he'll want to come by, grab something, and rush off (I hate the quick escape) *he'll want to tell me how he's still happier staying at his mother's *he'll want to talk to me about filing for divorce *he'll want to remove more things from the house (or set a date to remove more things from the house) *he'll treat me like he's run into a familiar person on the street *he'll tell me again that he tried sooooo hard, but it's just too late
Ya, that might be the anxiety. What can you do to control your anxiety?
If you are worried, perhaps call him to see when he's coming to see Boxer. Then, you'll have a fixed time and know what he's thinking.
I still think a date attempt is in order. The longer both of you stay apart, the less you will need each other for emotional needs. The less the connection, the harder to rebuild. That's my POV.
