I can see why you might be getting frustrated with me reading back over my thread - I should point out to you that a few days ago I asked the moderators to delete 2 posts which was a drafts and then a final version of a fairly strong email that I have sent to WAH.
In it, I told him he was a lousy father to date, that he needed to educate himself on good and responsible parenting, that I would protect the child from a faithweather father, that I could and would be doing this without him and that my future would be fine without him.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
OK, this is a rough question : How much info do you think your BIL is passing to your WH about your situation? I HOPE he's not giving your H ANY information.
Information he could be giving: - that I am strong, smiling, joking, being social, getting on with life - that I have a healthy pregnancy and that I love being pregant - that I have a community of family and friends who have stepped up to the plate and doing WAH's jobs for him - that I am having a big pre-baby party & WAH is not invited - that I think what WAH has done and is continuing to do is the lowest of the low - that I am a thinking and compassionate persona and can intellectualise WAH's crisis and care for him whille at the same time set boundaries to put and baby first - that I have decided to move on without WAH because I won't be treated like a doormat. - that my family are taking the 'high road' acting with dignity and grace and love towards BIL becuase we don't blame him for WAH waywardness.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
SHOW him that he is NOT part of your marriage anymore..
I am. He is completelely isolated. I am having 40+ people around soon to celebrate the forthcoming birth - WAH is not one of them. My family is welcoming and including BIL at family events, not WAH. WAH is not allowed in the apartment. WAH is not privvy to first-hand information about anything related to the pregnancy. WAH is far from his best friends and family in Europe - can you imagine how this must be hurting him, Allen? It gives me no pleasure & I am not doing it on purpose. I am doing it in the name of saving my M or being able to do this alone if it comes to it.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
Pregnancy and motherhood is a lot of work and preparation... you honestly don't have the time to chase this guy around like this..
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I don't feel I am chasing him around. But I am prepared to be called-on or contradicted on this.... I am humble in the situation..and perhaps blind.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
I suspect when labour comes around you will break down and call your H and he will show up and be all smiles and then run away gain when things get challenging again.....
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No.It will be torture for him. All my family will be there. My family who loved him so and who have dropped the rope on him. He hasn't seen them for months. Finding his place amogst them and with me and the baby will be only hard.
But you are right that all he is at the moment is unreliable. He is frightened and broken.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
My advice is to tell your H in a detailed email that you don't want him to have anything to do with parenting. I would tell him he's not welcome to the child birth. I would tell him he's a terrible father so far and you are cutting your losses on him. Tell him when he grows up you might consider introducing him to his child. Check with legal on this, I know its pushing it... but i had to get extreme to make my point......
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I have done the legal legwork. My country is striclty PRO co-parenting and we are awarded 50-50 custody. Of course a newborn rests is mum's responsibility for the first year or so, but I cannot stop WAH from seeing the child. No court would defend that. But as the mother, my needs and baby's needs, are seen as prime. Therefore the good news is I call the shots on how much he sees the child. I can tell him no problem to not come to the birth, but I would be expected to let him see the child at sometime within the first 24-48hrs. After that, we would work out visitation - recommendation is 2-3 time a week for max 1-2hrs at a time.
All the current research is in favour of a child knowing it's father and equal custody. I would be seen as malicious and vindictive and not working in the interests of the child if I went contrary to this advice.
Also, WAH is no macho brute. He will not come storming into the maternity wards, guns a blazin. He has already told me I will call the shots and I know he will respect that.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
So, what I am going to suggest is that if you HAVE to write I love him I miss him He's a wonderful man
1. Keep that to a minimum becuase this is NOT good positive reinforcement for you... It is giong to make you ILL. 2. Always FOLLOW UP with
1. I love MYSELF and my CHILD and my MARRIAGE and deserve better 2. I love my life and my dreams and deserve better 3. I will not allow destructive behaviour into my life 4. I will not expose my child to unreliable people 5. I will be an independent and self-sufficient single-mom
THESE five and others have to resonate in you. Most of your posts read as if you are falling apart, rather than building a strong, stable, healthy life for you and your child.
This is excellent advice. I am afraid of letting go of the "drama" because it represents detachment. And in detatching, I am afraid of losing my love for WAH.
Allen - what happens after detachment? What's the next stage in my story?
We've talked a lot about getting away from his unhealthiness and drama, and i feel I have done a lot of that... but now it's a new phase..but what's the road look like from here?
