5 weeks left to DB - need help with my plan

[Allen A]

In an earlier post you said something about your husband not being ready for FT yet.

I don't think you are anywhere near ready to reconcile yet. Never mind him, YOU aren't there.

YOU need to work to get yourself to a place where you can say

1. I am ok with a respectable husband coming back
2. I am ok with a drama queen never returning.

Right now I think if he showed up at the door apologizing for everything you would hand him the keys and a free pass right back into the marriage ... at least that's the impression I have when I read your posts. I know you may talk tough with him on the phone... which is GOOD.. I LOVE THAT... But i think you need to work harder at making that a reality. Right now I think you are as addicted to pursuit as he is to his affair.

I made this point on mb28's thread in infidelity. LBS's get addicted to things during infidelity too :

1. Spying
2. Pursuing
3. Watching
4. Analyzing
5. Worrying

THIS stuff can be VERY ADDICTIVE TOO... I see a lot of this in your posts.. it worries me. And ya, I know that's #5 lol

Get your H out of your home, put away his pictures and his junk, get him out of your head. In my opinion that's the best way to kick his arse into adulthood and for an adult to eventually come back sometime soon.

[gatsby11]

Ooh, is it GALing if I get into the DB forums' dramz too much? I think so! Just kinda kidding, but I appreciate Allen A's perspective. You've got a spicy personality, Allen A!

Overall, I agree with AA. (I'm sure we all do.) I just think it's easier said (especially said to) than done.

And then if you fully embrace the "putting H out of your head" idea, does that mean you stay away from this site? Because seriously, I think we need to keep chatting somehow, ladies!

(So let me just propose-- if any of you want to get away from this site to help GAL, let's meet somewhere else to keep chatting babies and generally non-H stuff!)

Ok, now that that is off my chest. . . I just wanted to say that I don't know how much I would push the "awful father" thing. I just don't know how that helps, I really don't. I think that he could figure that out on his own.

But overall, good advice that we all need to hear once in a while. Bye for now!

[newmama]

I just wanted to say that I don't know how much I would push the "awful father" thing. I just don't know how that helps, I really don't. I think that he could figure that out on his own.

Totally agree- guilting someone into making a decision is manipulation. Stick to the facts...no labels.


gatsby girl-I need to find your thread!!!

[Piano]

Allen, thanks for stopping by.

I can see why you might be getting frustrated with me reading back over my thread - I should point out to you that a few days ago I asked the moderators to delete 2 posts which was a drafts and then a final version of a fairly strong email that I have sent to WAH.

In it, I told him he was a lousy father to date, that he needed to educate himself on good and responsible parenting, that I would protect the child from a faithweather father, that I could and would be doing this without him and that my future would be fine without him.

OK, this is a rough question :
How much info do you think your BIL is passing to your WH about your situation?
I HOPE he's not giving your H ANY information.

Information he could be giving:
- that I am strong, smiling, joking, being social, getting on with life
- that I have a healthy pregnancy and that I love being pregant
- that I have a community of family and friends who have stepped up to the plate and doing WAH's jobs for him
- that I am having a big pre-baby party & WAH is not invited
- that I think what WAH has done and is continuing to do is the lowest of the low
- that I am a thinking and compassionate persona and can intellectualise WAH's crisis and care for him whille at the same time set boundaries to put and baby first
- that I have decided to move on without WAH because I won't be treated like a doormat.
- that my family are taking the 'high road' acting with dignity and grace and love towards BIL becuase we don't blame him for WAH waywardness.

SHOW him that he is NOT part of your marriage anymore..

I am. He is completelely isolated. I am having 40+ people around soon to celebrate the forthcoming birth - WAH is not one of them. My family is welcoming and including BIL at family events, not WAH. WAH is not allowed in the apartment. WAH is not privvy to first-hand information about anything related to the pregnancy. WAH is far from his best friends and family in Europe - can you imagine how this must be hurting him, Allen? It gives me no pleasure & I am not doing it on purpose. I am doing it in the name of saving my M or being able to do this alone if it comes to it.

Pregnancy and motherhood is a lot of work and preparation... you honestly don't have the time to chase this guy around like this..

.

I don't feel I am chasing him around. But I am prepared to be called-on or contradicted on this.... I am humble in the situation..and perhaps blind.

I suspect when labour comes around you will break down and call your H and he will show up and be all smiles and then run away gain when things get challenging again.....

.

No.It will be torture for him. All my family will be there. My family who loved him so and who have dropped the rope on him. He hasn't seen them for months. Finding his place amogst them and with me and the baby will be only hard.

But you are right that all he is at the moment is unreliable. He is frightened and broken.

My advice is to tell your H in a detailed email that you don't want him to have anything to do with parenting. I would tell him he's not welcome to the child birth. I would tell him he's a terrible father so far and you are cutting your losses on him. Tell him when he grows up you might consider introducing him to his child.
Check with legal on this, I know its pushing it... but i had to get extreme to make my point......

.

I have done the legal legwork. My country is striclty PRO co-parenting and we are awarded 50-50 custody. Of course a newborn rests is mum's responsibility for the first year or so, but I cannot stop WAH from seeing the child. No court would defend that. But as the mother, my needs and baby's needs, are seen as prime. Therefore the good news is I call the shots on how much he sees the child. I can tell him no problem to not come to the birth, but I would be expected to let him see the child at sometime within the first 24-48hrs. After that, we would work out visitation - recommendation is 2-3 time a week for max 1-2hrs at a time.

All the current research is in favour of a child knowing it's father and equal custody. I would be seen as malicious and vindictive and not working in the interests of the child if I went contrary to this advice.

Also, WAH is no macho brute. He will not come storming into the maternity wards, guns a blazin. He has already told me I will call the shots and I know he will respect that.

So, what I am going to suggest is that if you HAVE to write
I love him
I miss him
He's a wonderful man

1. Keep that to a minimum becuase this is NOT good positive reinforcement for you... It is giong to make you ILL.
2. Always FOLLOW UP with

1. I love MYSELF and my CHILD and my MARRIAGE and deserve better
2. I love my life and my dreams and deserve better
3. I will not allow destructive behaviour into my life
4. I will not expose my child to unreliable people
5. I will be an independent and self-sufficient single-mom

THESE five and others have to resonate in you. Most of your posts read as if you are falling apart, rather than building a strong, stable, healthy life for you and your child.

This is excellent advice. I am afraid of letting go of the "drama" because it represents detachment. And in detatching, I am afraid of losing my love for WAH.

Allen - what happens after detachment? What's the next stage in my story?

We've talked a lot about getting away from his unhealthiness and drama, and i feel I have done a lot of that... but now it's a new phase..but what's the road look like from here?

[Piano]

In an earlier post you said something about your husband not being ready for FT yet.
I don't think you are anywhere near ready to reconcile yet. Never mind him, YOU aren't there.

YOU need to work to get yourself to a place where you can say

1. I am ok with a respectable husband coming back
2. I am ok with a drama queen never returning.

Right now I think if he showed up at the door apologizing for everything you would hand him the keys and a free pass right back into the marriage ... at least that's the impression I have when I read your posts. I know you may talk tough with him on the phone... which is GOOD.. I LOVE THAT... But i think you need to work harder at making that a reality. Right now I think you are as addicted to pursuit as he is to his affair.

I made this point on mb28's thread in infidelity. LBS's get addicted to things during infidelity too :

1. Spying
2. Pursuing
3. Watching
4. Analyzing
5. Worrying

THIS stuff can be VERY ADDICTIVE TOO... I see a lot of this in your posts.. it worries me. And ya, I know that's #5 lol

Get your H out of your home, put away his pictures and his junk, get him out of your head. In my opinion that's the best way to kick his arse into adulthood and for an adult to eventually come back sometime soon.

Yes, yes yes to all of this ^

But HOW on earth can I do that when I am giving birth to OUR baby?

Mission impossible if you ask me, Al.

[Piano]

Sorry, my last post was not very clear.. I am asking HOW do I seperate the "me" from my "H" when I have OUR CHILD INSIDE ME? Mother Nature is doing everything to acheive attachment, not break the parental bonds. It's just extremely difficult to go against this nature and completely detach (which is what I meant when I said it seems like mission impossible).

If it were me alone, or the children were already born..I suspect I'd feel differently.

But I can still agree, nonthless, that this is the ultimate goal:

"YOU need to work to get yourself to a place where you can say

1. I am ok with a respectable husband coming back
2. I am ok with a drama queen never returning."

[newmama]

Also, WAH is no macho brute. He will not come storming into the maternity wards, guns a blazin.

lol!

Piano, I actually see you as being very strong and consistent as of late-I think I read somewhere that 1) our brains shrink 2% when we are pregnant and 2)it is very common for us to have fears of the father abandoning us and the baby-- this was in a pregnancy book and it was for all pregnant women, including those who were still happily married lol!

and I firmly believe that unless you wanted to be divorced, you won't be able to detach 100% from your H. I stand by this! WHat's wrong with being 80% detached? Some things sound good in principle but are unrealistic you know? and I loved the list of things your BIL would pass on to WH if he wanted- I really really really want things to work out for you Piano and you are doing GREAT!!!!

[Babydoll]

P, how are things going on your end... with BIL in town and all!

So how many weeks left until Baby arrives? Any names? Do you have a nursery ready?

[Piano]

BD, 4-5 weeks to go only... Thankfully H and I chose a name a few months ago when things hadn't completely deteriorated. Nursery to be set up after the baby party.

BIL is being adorable.

In a few hrs my baby party starts. I am very sad H is not here & the whole community of friends and family will be.

But, following Allen's advice:

I am OK with a husband who has respected me and is acting like a father and an adult.
I am not OK with a husband who chose every day for months to disrespect me and abandon me at a time when I need him most.

I want to write to him to tell him I am sorry about him not being at the party.
But I won't write to a husband who hasn't written to me to tell me how sorry he is for abandonning me and leaving all the preparation for the baby and childrearing up to me.

If he is shamed and has a horrible day, it is because he CHOSE to leave us. I spend more days in misery than him.

[Babydoll]

ENJOY YOUR PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sounds like so much fun! and well deserved... for you and the little one!

I know it is extremely hard w/o him there but soak up all of the wonderful people who have chosen to be there and celebrate life with you. your H will most likely be miserable today... and to his own doing. Wonder what is going through his mind... better yet don't! think of all the wonderful baby goodies you will recieve today and soon have all over your place waiting for the baby to come home and play with.

I'm sending you all of my positive energies! enjoy your day as best as you can... it is normal to have a range of emotions... just always remember to pick yourself up... as my mom tells me every day... no one can pick you up by you... and when you do you will feel better about yourself!

xoxoxoxoxo