WAH in MLC with PA

[flowmom]

You're under so much pressure DG -- no wonder you're crying in the car...probably mostly from pure stress! You are being very strong and you have a lot to be proud of. hugs to you.

[courageous wife]

(((DG))) Hope you get a chance to gal this weekend...sounds like you need it!!!

[Mila]

DG - I agree with Flowmom, you are being incredibly strong and doing the right things. The stress you are under is tremendous, try some distressing GAL this weekend

Thinking of you (((hugs)))

[DiamondGirl]

Not sure how to take this...

In my email response to H I had outlined that his lack of attention to the kids spoke volumes on how he really feels right now about putting them first.. I said a lot more but not rudely, more like laying out how his actions are different than what he says.. (like I said.. I know I shouldn't have replied, but I really am at the end of my rope in holding out for us)

Got a call from him last evening, him sounding down and very polite and civil... He said I was right about him never taking me up on the open offer for him to see the kids more often and wanted to take them Sunday after he finishes work.

So we agreed he could do so. I told him that I felt he was treating me like an enemy though I have never tried to be. He said that we always end up arguing when he calls and that I get angry. I stood my ground and corrected him and said that no, you start an argument with me and I won't be disrespected. I reminded him that when he called me late that night I didn't argue with him or respond rudely to him because he didn't to me. He said, no you didn't.

We talked about how he hasn't purchased a car seat for his car yet for D3. He asked why we couldn't keep sharing the seat I have. I tried to joke a little and said that I had to practically dive into the trunk of our SUV to undo/redo the tether bolt. (I'm 5ft 5in...He didn't laugh so maybe it fell flat or he's too depressed to feel it) He said that he would install it back in the SUV for me every time he brings them home then.

He mentioned money is a problem right now. I told him I understood that and had tried to help by allowing for a bit of extra with the mortgage payment, but then he purposely bounced the payment. I told him I had no choice then but to close the accounts. (I said it calmly, not defensive or whiny-like) He said he did it because he was angry. I didn't touch that comment (now I'm thinking it may have been an opening he was trying to give me to ask why????).

He said he also didn't talk to me because he wanted me to step up. Said he wanted me to be able to give our kids a good life. Said I never did step up during the M all these years.

I said that I didn't want to start an argument, merely pointing something out, but that every time I did try to do something on my own, he'd take the reins and do it for me. And that it felt to me that he didn't feel I was capable enough of handling things on my own. So eventually a person stops trying. I told him that I knew it was his way of showing his love for me, but it wasn't what I needed from him.

He blurted out that I never seemed to feel he was doing his best for his family all these years. I validated and said that I have always felt he was doing the best he could with what we had, just as I had been. I said I know that it may not have felt like it, but I always knew he had us in mind. He says, well it didn't feel that way.

I asked him how school was going. He said he just had mid-terms and got about 80% across the board. I said congratulations. (SIL said he was failing so who knows where the truth lies.. somewhere in between maybe)

We didn't say much after that.. He ended it first (missed out on doing that but it was so nice to actually hear his voice I forgot..and I wasn't in a strong place as I'd just bawled my eyes out an hour earlier)

Just when I think I'm done and gone from standing, he calls me or something happens that brings me back into the whole nightmare...

Is that what people mean by when the LBS pulls away, the WAS pulls in? Am I reading too much into this?

Talking on the phone seems to work with him more than emails or face to face... I'm not sure if I should try to call him more often about the kids accomplishments etc. or stay with him leading with contacts since part of the problem with our R is I was not as communicative with him (or him with me)... I haven't been telling him much about what is going on with them because a)I wanted to demonstrate I could step up all alone and be fine with or without him & b) I wanted him to feel how it would be without them in his life except for seeing them on the every other weekend he planned.

Now I'm wondering on how to handle the visit tomorrow... On one hand I don't want to have expectations.. but on the other this is the first time he's tried to see the kids off schedule since right after he left...

[Cadet]

Is that what people mean by when the LBS pulls away, the WAS pulls in?

Yes, more than likely.

Am I reading too much into this?

Probably not.

This could be a moment of clarity for him. Take it for what it was. Enjoy the moment but don't expect that it will continue.

Stay detached. Mirror him and you will be fine.

[DiamondGirl]

Talked to a friend about house problem... She has two mortgage contacts that helped her and other friends get their homes when they wouldn't ordinarily qualify... Said she would talk to them and get back to me....

Danced to "According to Him" .... My new anthem at the moment....it reminds me that H's opinion of me right now isn't valid and if he never wakes up and smells the cappuccino, there is someone else in my future who will know I'm a naughty hottie worth spending forever with!

[Mila]

DG - Hope that you'll be able to work out that mortgage.

I'm a naughty hottie worth spending forever with!"

Yeah GD that's the attitude

[DiamondGirl]

Need to have that song playing over and over again.... Because despite the great day, two minutes after he left with the kids I was sobbing in the bathroom :-(

[DiamondGirl]

Saw H ... He started immediately in on custody and mediation... I said I wouldn't because of the special needs issues and visitation demands.
He said then we'll have to go to court... I said so be it then... He said you are going to make this difficult right to the end aren't you? Everything has to be your way as usual...

I started walking away and said don't bother threatening me with the house because it's already gone. He said what do you mean? I asked him what happens in august? He said what about august? I spelled out for him very calmly the problem. He said you don't know that you won't qualify.... Have you asked anyone? I just looked at him and started walking again.. Then just said looks like I'm moving this summer.. And kept walking...

I don't know why I told him... Hoping for some spark of the man I married maybe? The one who was excited that we could ever own a home... Concern for where his kids will move to? Offer of help? Nope... Nothing there... And now I doubt there ever will be again... He looked just as determined to be gone as the day he left... And I'm doubting he'll change course... Addicted to OW or not... I think he'll just keep walking...

I have not felt so alone in a long time...

[flowmom]

Oh hugs DG. I agree with OP, it sounds like a moment of clarity. But of course it's not surprising about the pull-back afterwards . If you want to continue DBing, I would say "do more of what works". You didn't make progress by calling him and keeping him updated, you made progress by staying dim and making him come to you. Most importantly, what you've been doing is working for YOU. You're making progress on detachment and you're totally kicking butt on taking care of business.