yeah, thinking back on those comments they don't seem sincere at all. I will more cautious. That was me reaching.
I found that the hardest thing to accept through all of this is that you and your spouse do not have the same relationship any more.
Originally Posted By: OfficerInNeed
As an update. Last night my W slept n the couch, I went up to bed. She came up this morning and grabbed her pillow and left to another room.
Sorry to hear that, but don't let it get to you.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
My W and I had dentist appointments today. I asked her to drive. In the past when she would drive I would be overly critical of her driving so she never liked to drive. Just last week she brought that fact up. So I asked her to drive and I just sat there relaxed having casual conversation with her.
We did quite a few things together today so I will just provide a summary of events
- W still cold toward me. As I have mentioned all along and from what I am coming to understand is my W is no longer my W. She was never like this toward me but at the same time I was like this to her for so long. When I say "cold" she responds to questions or comments with a noise like "hmm" rather than words, she does not look at me and some times she raises her eyebrows like she is being sarcastic. It's like when she tells me something or does something she wants my full attention which I give her but it is not reciprocal.
- It was raining out and I had to run in the store my wife stayed in the car, when I walked out she leaned over and opened the door for me.
- We were in the mall just walking around. Went into a store my W was look at purses, I kind of drifted away from her to the mens section and she walked over to me. When she came over she said "I found a purse I liked" and I said "Really, lets go check it out" and then she said "Did you find anything"
* As a side note, before our sitch when we would go places, we would be at hip of each other. My W has broken this routine, she walks her own way leaving me to follow, so in some instances I decide not to follow and do my own thing but then when she asks a question or tells me something and I am not there she gets upset because she was either talking to herself or has to repeat.
I am trying to acknowledge positives as baby steps so I can stay motivated. I think "If she is trying to co-exist with me and counting down the days why would she be generous, considerate or even care what I think about things? why would I even matter to her anymore?" or am I just reaching for positives?
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I had planned on going to church this evening for a conference for both singles and couples about relationships. Earlier in the day I mentioned this to my W that there was a conference but did not mention it was about R. She had no interest in going either way.
Later on I decided I would go myself. I went upstairs to get ready, after being up there for a few minutes my W called up to me and said "What are you doing?" I responded "Just shaving, do you need something?" she said "I thought maybe you wanted to watch a movie or something." I was torn between the two but I jumped on the opportunity to watch a movie with my W.
SO we watched the movie had some laughs. We sat on the same couch. A few times she accidentally bumped me and acted as if she just burnt herself by touching a fire and immediately moved.
When the film ended I went upstairs to finish shaving, she came up shortly after and asked what I was doing and I told her. She walked into the bathroom and got ready for bed. I laid on the bed in the spare room waiting for her to finish up. She walked in the room and asked once again what I was doing then asked "Are you going to stay in here or what?" I said I'll just lay here, she left the room exhaling as if she was upset.
She went and laid in the other bed. I walked in to grab a change of cloths, she still had the light on and I asked "You sleeping with the light on tonight?" and she replied "Not sure yet. What are you shaving for anyway, you going somewhere?" I told her "No, I have a few things to do in the morning that is all" so she said after giving me a 'yeah OK' look..."You don't need to shave for that but OK" I simply told her that I felt comfortbale doing now rather than in the morning...told her "goodnight" and left the room, she did not say it in return but she seemed bothered by something.
I am not sure what this whole exchange means of anything but that is what happened tonight. I will say what I did today was be kind, calm, and due to fatigue I was not over excited as I usually am. At one point while driving I turned up a song that I liked and listened to it again later when we got home. She asked "Do you like that song" I told her I did. The song's context dealt with moving on and "what goes around comes around" but there was no hidden message I just liked the song.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Sounds to me like maybe she wanted you to sleep in the master bedroom tonight.
I agree. I thought that was what you were going to do -- sleep in the master bedroom and not make a big deal of where she was sleeping?
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I am trying to acknowledge positives as baby steps so I can stay motivated. I think "If she is trying to co-exist with me and counting down the days why would she be generous, considerate or even care what I think about things? why would I even matter to her anymore?" or am I just reaching for positives?
What it means is, despite what she says to you about the R, she still has feelings for you.
Your job is to continue to project confidence, honesty, and caring; those are attractive qualities.
The best way to track baby steps is the list of goals that you put together; this is why I suggested that you focus on the easiest to achieve goals first.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I work the night shift, 8pm-6am. I am so use to being up during those hours that on my nights off, I am up for most of the same hours. When my W went to bed, I was wide awake. I was sitting in the spare room, which use to be an office and is still where the computer is, so it is where I was. If my W would had said that she planned on sleeping in there I would have got up and out no problem.
I have my list of goals and selected a few of the easier ones (at least I thought) I have to rethink them again. I know what my ultimate goals are but maybe I am aiming too high. The fact she asked to watch a movie was a huge plus.
What I am trying to accomplish by posting our daily interactions on the forums is to get help on determining what works. So many users on this forum have been through it or are going through it and hopefully can provide insight on my DB approaches.
Thanks again for all your input and advice. It truly helps and keeps me focused.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I think in in the next couple of weeks, with you continuing on the disciplined path your on that you wake up in the same bed with her. After all it is your wife. Wait till she's fully asleep and find a spot that she's not in. Maybe you don't know how you got there.
