Heya Ness....It will be ok!!! LOL about DBing yourself, I have thought about things like that too. I took a break away from the boards also, but had to come back, because like you, missed my friends, and always need the sound advice from them on life, married or not lol! Lets not label ourselves, cause we are single and what we have survived, we dont need labels!!
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
Well, this is a subject on my mind at the moment, so I'll chime in.
I find the challenges I'm facing:
- how to keep from repeating the same mistakes? (I'm dating a guy with chronic depression - something my ex suffered from - and only recently realized that almost ALL my boyfriends when I was younger had issues with this, I never noticed before! I obviously have to work on figuring out why I choose that.)
- what are the "new" dating rules? (Since I haven't dated in 27 years, my circumstances now are radically different. No need to marry and have kids, what does a new relationship look like at my age? What do I want, exactly? Do I still have to play hard to get? Exactly what body hair am I supposed to be removing????)
- how can I tell if a guy is in reasonably good health and still has functioning parts??? ( Men in their fifties start dropping dead unexpectedly from heart attacks - I'm hoping not to pick one of those).
Heya Babygirl and HUGE hugs to you - thanks for those lovely words. I've never been one for labels myself...mind you they are handy in helping you put your clothes on (checking where the label is to make sure you've not put the damn thing on inside out - I seem to do that often, what's WITH that?) :-)
Hi kml and massive squidges to you too! It's that pattern that I was talking about - we pick the same kind of people, we do the same kind of things so ergo we make the same kind of mistakes. How on earth do I do a 180 on my OWN self or even go Dark lol? I shudder to think to be honest.
Dating rules - ACK! I know what you mean - it's that whole thing of, well you can sleep over for a night or two but do I really want you to be here EVERY night? And totally with you on the body hair thing - the confusion reigns. Mind you, I was chatting to my neighbour this evening and came out with the perfect summary to me 'I am everyone's Karmic Foil'
Anything that can go wrong to and for me usually does so if I go out with all prepared and shaved and moisturised - NOTHING happens! Let me go out ONE night with bad underwear and tarantula legs and there's a potential of 'happenings' so I remember the unsightlies and squash all those options - so yeah - NOTHING happens again.
Dating is for teenagers - I'm not built for all that awkwardness and trying to work out who's who in the zoo!
I think we should have mini-questionnaires and a box for their doctors to sign in *grin*
Ness...you are too funny! I am so not ready to have someone around me 24/7 again....I don't really even think I would want anyone to spend the night yet...let's just have fun and then see you later sweetie
I got the Cosmo "sexy" issue to look through last week for hairstyle ideas before my highlight. There was seriously a section on the 'landing strip/bikini wax'...it talked about waxing at home and came with STENCILS of a variety of designs?!?
Yeah, yesterday I thought I might be seeing R and so I showered longer, loofa'd/exfoliated my arms and legs, shaved, moisturized, wore a skirt....and nothing...
Learning how to "do" relationships again isn't easy! I sure don't know how! But I have figured out, finally, that there are interesting people out there. And that they are not all looking for reasons to dislike me! And, in fact, some of them even find me interesting! My date last night, even though there wasn't any kind of spark at all, still was fun to talk to over dinner. She still said I made her laugh, and that I was a nut! And that was from an "unsuccessful" date!
I have been thinking about how I started to recover, and I really do believe it was here, on these boards. I just posted as myself, I don't act. I do have a bit of a sense of humor, I don't take myself seriously. And I really started to like the people here. And, I started to get the clue that they really liked me, too! Who'da thunk it? A couple years ago (gosh, could it be that long ago?) I had dinner with MichelleLT as she was passing through town for some training nearby. And what do you know? I could have dinner, and talk, to a really nice, pleasant, intelligent woman, and the world didn't come to an end. I didn't have to try to be someone else, and it was ok! I met Lola for dinner once, as I was passing through her former hometown, and again, she didn't look at me like I had three eyes! Maybe, just maybe, I'm ok!
Anyway, my point is, that I was able to use the boards as validation of myself. (It is true that at the same time I was in C, and that didn't hurt, either.) I'd been torn down for years, and the virtual (though very real) friends I made here really helped me to see that I was a person that someone might enjoy spending time with.
I've been an online 'chatter' for years and years - in fact, that's how I met my XH and a few boyfriends after that too. I have a good network of online friends who mostly I know in real life too - I never chat with anyone unless I know I'm prepared to meet them face to face.
Like you, I am exactly the same online as I am in real life - it's just not worth pretending to be something you're not. It's too much like hard work if you ask me and frankly I like to be paid for work if you get my drift
I guess I just feel a bit jaded by the whole meeting people and actually wanting something to happen and then when it doesn't convince myself that I'm actually happy on my own and I don't want a relationship.
That in itself is a pile of bollocks! I don't like being on my own, but yet I do. I've got so used to my own space and doing what I want when I want - but I'm starting to think that it's because it's what I've had to get used to and is not necessarily what I really want deep down.
The other tough one is that I've always wanted kids - now with the big four oh approaching I'm starting to wonder if it actually will ever happen...again I've been telling myself that I've passed it and there's really no point in wanting to start a relationship with someone because ultimately are they going to want kids???? probably not *sigh*
So tonight I joined eHarmony - I must go back onto Match and see what I can scoop up there lol. So far I have 14 matches and the thing that surprised me the most is how many men over the age of 46 want kids!! So MAYBE, just maybe I could be in with a chance to meet someone...but (yes I know you're rolling your eyes at me now) what if I screw this one up like I did my M?
I was the WAW and then went back - it was a mess. I'm scared of falling into a relationship because it's there and not because I actually LOVE the person.
*steps on a bomb*
told you it was a minefield - my head hurts now >:(
First...I like the smiley that you made, very cute!
Second, I had just had a good friend tell me how much better he thought the pickings were on e-harmony v. match. So good luck with that one!
Third, I agree with you about being yourself online. In fact I would argue that I am MORE me online even than in real life, because I have grown so comfortable with the people here, having been here TWO long years!!
Do NOT fall into a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. I am telling the truth here--my oldest sister was the 'old maid' of our family at the ripe old age of 28 (!!!) because both her younger sisters were married. People were rude enough to point that out to her... So when the guy she had dated for 2 years proposed, she said yes. She was 29 and wanted to be married by age 30...now she tells me all the time how she does NOT love him, never has, and wants out, 10 years later...she was just glad somebody wanted to marry her
Sorry to be a thread-hog, just saying, YOU know better, I doubt you would really stay in a relationship just for the sake of having company!
I've got to say, I understand a lot of the things you are thinking!
It's a bit of a conundrum... I kind of enjoy being single, but at the same time, I really would like to not be alone. So where does that leave me? Early on in my official singlehood, I was in a bit of a hurry to date. I think my confidence had been torn down to the point that I didn't think it would happen. But it did, and now I'm in much less of a hurry. I've gotten really picky when I look through Match, and almost never contact anyone. I'm not sure what that means, either, but it's how I feel now, so I am really trying not to question it too much.
The kid issue is something I don't have to deal with, so it's hard to say a lot there. I will say that I could see being willing to consider starting again with more kids, in the right situation. Though I'd have to start with some plumbing repair. But the real point is, that I don't think that ship has left port yet, though clearly, it's building steam. You could drive yourself crazy questioning yourself about that, but I don't think it will help!
You know, there's always a chance that either we, or out new partner (or more realistically both or us), will screw up our next relationship. But that doesn't mean we should hide in our den and never come out.
Yet again, it's fear, isn't it? That seems to be the common denominator in so many situations. It keeps us stuck. I know it did (ok, still does, at times) me. I've gotten better at thinking, "What's the worst thing that can happen?" It's usually not so bad! Then I can jump off the cliff!
Oh, the number one thing, before any of this really makes any difference at all... be happy with yourself!
So when the guy she had dated for 2 years proposed, she said yes. She was 29 and wanted to be married by age 30...now she tells me all the time how she does NOT love him, never has, and wants out, 10 years later...she was just glad somebody wanted to marry her 