H and I are still together. It's been 3 yrs since the D sitch.
Things are always up & down as in most M's, but I now have the tools and my eyes are always wide open to the beginnings of any down times & I know what I need to do. That usually happens when things start slipping back into the "old rut" which I obviously try & avoid, but w/ the craziness of life, it's hard sometimes to be constantly "aware" all the time. It is what it is though. I can't imagine what our life would be like & what our M would be like right now if we hadn't gone through what we did. I mean if he had never said he wanted a D & we had just continued living the way we were w/ the M/R we had. Neither one of us was happy really. Now I at least have the tools & know where to look for info, advice, etc. if I need it.
It's still hard for me to completely trust him. I don't know that those feelings will ever go away after being so completely deceived.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I just wanted to add also that you are getting awesome advice from Puppy et al I was not the best DB'er in the world & sometimes I truly wish I had handled things differently - more along the lines of what they are telling you to do - I still feel I lost of a LOT of self respect during the whole D sitch & think if I had handled things differently I may not still be feeling that way, but then again if I had handled things differently, they may not have turned out the way they did, but . . . you know . . .
Keep up the good work, Time. You're doing really well & have the tools/knowledge on how to handle what's going on. He'll either come back around or you will be fine either way
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I'll be praying for you. I still get on here & read & your story just struck a cord w/ me & I had to respond.
Is H in town right now? Now that you've moved back to your "home" state, is your family there too?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Yeah, my family is here in my home state. Thank god. that's been such a big thing for me. It's given me hope in that I have a support system now.
H is leaving to go back overseas on Monday. stinks but he HAS to go. he has legal matters that need to be tended to and he has to be there. part of me can't wait for him to leave already.
every other time he has recently left to go back, he calls/emails me telling me he misses me and wants to chat online. everynight.
not sure if that'll be the case this time.. but we shall see..
I think we both need this space.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
You're right. The space/time to reflect w/ him not around will probably be a good thing.
While he is gone, get out there & GAL a bit, whether it's going to lunch w/ a friend or a girl's night for dinner or something. Keep up the good work w/ the gym too! I'm not having such luck w/ my will power as you seem to be having w/ regard to the gym
Between now & then start up your DB'ing again so that when he leaves & is gone, he is wondering what is up w/ you & what you're thinking & doing. This would be an awesome time for him to start worrying!! While he's gone just let him contact you & be really busy
Last edited by RedHeadWife; 04/16/1008:42 PM.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
You're right. The space/time to reflect w/ him not around will probably be a good thing.
While he is gone, get out there & GAL a bit, whether it's going to lunch w/ a friend or a girl's night for dinner or something. Keep up the good work w/ the gym too! I'm not having such luck w/ my will power as you seem to be having w/ regard to the gym
Between now & then start up your DB'ing again so that when he leaves & is gone, he is wondering what is up w/ you & what you're thinking & doing. This would be an awesome time for him to start worrying!! While he's gone just let him contact you & be really busy
I've always been a big gym buff. I find it so therapeutic.. it really cleanses my mind. I think we both need this time. I already have some plans in the works when he leaves. I am looking forward to it. I need this.
I just hope it works and that he doesn't find that being without me is what he wants.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
I just hope it works and that he doesn't find that being without me is what he wants.
My immediate thought "I highly doubt it!" Doubt that he is going to find that being w/o you is what he wants that is.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
It is the right thing to do. The only thing to do, really. Let them go, detach. Truly detach.
The end result that we want, of course, is a marriage that is better than it was before, where both partners are aware of what led to things getting so screwed up and know how to better cope with "life" and problems as they come.
For me, it is so terrifying to think that 15 years together means nothing to her and she can just throw it all away. It is all a fantasy of how much better and easier they will have it without us. Maybe the only chance we really have is to let them have a taste of life without us so they will know it really wasn't that bad. It's a huge leap of faith, but I guess we have to have faith that IF our good old spouse is in there somewhere, they will make the right decision for their family.
I was not the best DB'er in the world & sometimes I truly wish I had handled things differently - more along the lines of what they are telling you to do - I still feel I lost of a LOT of self respect during the whole D sitch & think if I had handled things differently I may not still be feeling that way, but then again if I had handled things differently, they may not have turned out the way they did, but . . . you know . . . 