Now H wants to wait 3 months to file the D papers. Last week I told him D is not what I wanted but that I love him enough to let him go and that I would sign them. So he had them rewritten how I wanted them and brought them home on Tues. I didn't see them that day as I had to leave. However, last night he brought them out to show me. Again I said the usual about this being his D not mine, and this is not what I want, etc. I did alot of validating and also letting him know I didn't feel the same way he did. Finally he said, "why don't you sign them and then I won't file them for at least 3 months". I told him that was up to him, and that I was no longer asking for time and that he needed to do what was best for him.
The last 3 convo's I've had with my H have been so different from others in the past. I have decided to be nice, but not a doormat. Listen more and talk less and hold my emotions down with showing some emotions as needed. Validate and repeating what he just said with also telling him I don't feel the same way as him, etc. I'm not trying to read any hope into it. However, I have noticed he has been looking at me a lot more and differently without the anger in his eyes. And has started saying stuff like "if we get back together..."
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Allen A - thanks for the 2x4, I agree with you 100%. And I know not everything I've said to him is the right thing. However, I have gotten the point across that these are all his decision not mine. And with the last 3 convo, he seems to be slowly & I'm mean very slowly reconsidering his decisions. I'm not saying he has changed his mind or anything. But him suggesting that he wait 3 months to file I'm taking as a positive.
After next weekend I will only see him every other week for a drop off of the kids. I'm thinking this will be a good thing. And I'm staying out of his affair drama. It's been exposed to everyone and he still denies. But none of that matters anymore. I'm giving it over to faith that his affair will die out on his own. I'm hoping that the OW starts pushing and nagging him, and I want to be the one not doing that.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
That's fair... I know its hard to know what to say in the heat of the moment... I've been there...
yes, I would take it as a good sign, but I really would try more to just let GO... if you fixate on signs he's reconsidering he's drawing you into his drama...
And yes, 99% of affairs end on their own... it may take 6 months or a year, but they do fall apart ... two immature people who ruin two families do not have the maturity to respect each other long term... ONE of them will become wayward on the other...
The last 3 convo's I've had with my H have been so different from others in the past. I have decided to be nice, but not a doormat. Listen more and talk less and hold my emotions down with showing some emotions as needed. Validate and repeating what he just said with also telling him I don't feel the same way as him, etc. I'm not trying to read any hope into it. However, I have noticed he has been looking at me a lot more and differently without the anger in his eyes. And has started saying stuff like "if we get back together..."
Hmmm... H seems to be moving closer now that you really are moving away????? You have finally come around to detaching from the outcome and he begins to change his attitude??? Not to say we told ya so but ....we did!
This is great but you also know he will cycle with this and it is important for you not to get sucked back into the chaos. Expect him to go back and forth, hot and cold for awhile. You are the rock! You are the stability he will seek out. I am just reinforcing what Allen has already said. Maybe a boundary to not discuss your M?? "H, you know where I stand on the D, End contact with OW and go to FT to discuss it any further" or something like that. Don't ya wanna just grab him by the ear, drag him to his room and ground him for a month?!?!?!? I wish it was that simple:(
All I really wanted to point out was that when you let go, things changed! Keep it up!!
P.S. I didn't see him at the race! I was sure I'd recognize him!!lol
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
mb28, you do what you think is best for you and the children of course.
You could tell him over and over that the children need a full time dad, perhaps....
Ineresting, how now he vacilates. When you gain your confidence and strength back....
Don't get weak
Last edited by june72; 04/17/1005:40 PM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I agree w/ Whatnow- I know Ive read it alot in different sitches- once the LBS lets go and "moves on" the WAS will turn around at least to see if it's for real...
It happened in my sitch- the GALing and moving on though enabled me to meet new people...
Allen is right, spending the time on analyzing or interpreting conversations and "chatter" will distract you from really letting go...I know it's hard.
Keep doing what you're doing, working on yourself and being a great parent...you may learn you want a family but not WH.
Also Allen's take on the A dying out- def will happen, and especially for those reasons...
W's and BF appear to need CC asap...jealousy, lies, abuse, confusion, manipulation...etc...A's are sick associations (I won't say R b/c Allen hates that and I understand why)...but they are sick and they will not sustain themselves.
mb, this is the tricky part. It's when you see tiny signs of indecision on your H's part that you need to be strong more than ever. Keep working on yourself and constantly choose the thoughts that bring you peace. You have to trust that taking care of yourself is what's best for everyone right now. hugs to you...
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I don't want to over think he's responses or read to much hope into them. All of his family and our mutual friends tell me that he just seems so confused. So with that I am GAL, and moving in the direction that the M is over and just hoping it will change someday.
I will stay strong and I knew letting go (even though I'm not 100% let go) would be the only way to change things just like all of you said, but for some reason I just couldn't do it (-:
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
The last convo I had with my H he said he would wait 3 months to file, but he wanted me to sign the papers so they are dated. His reasoning for this was to protect both of us from the other finincially. I agreed to have them signed by this coming up Tuesday.
I've had a L review them, and they are straight foward. Legally I don't have a problem with me signing them.
I've had a few friends and family advice me over the last couple of days to NOT sign them. My problem is I already agreed to sign them. I'm not sure changing my mind and telling him I don't want to sign them will help my sitch. I can tell he is really curious about my recent changes the last couple of weeks. However, I know he is probably wondering if they are real or fake. So I'm worried not signing will make him think my changes are fake.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
