Just found out she already filed

[ClingingToHope]

CTH, thanks for the perspective and sharing your experience. Have you gone dark mostly since? Has it made any difference in her stance at all?

I tried going superdark -- well as much as you can with kids -- not answering if I saw the call was from her. Avoiding instances where we might have to be together. NEVER calling or texting. Keeping our conversations very short.

It didn't make any difference other than to perhaps harden her stance on certain divorce issues. I haven't had any indication -- zero -- that she's second guessing herself at all.

At our last mediation session I decided to shut up and let her do the talking and she started to give me lots of the things I was asking for in the D. She almost sounded like she cared -- later I remembered all the things she's done to specifically show that she doesn't -- still, going NC didn't work.

I digress. I've been dark so long that I really struggle when I see her and that isn't going to do me any good in the future. So know I'm taking her calls, returning them, emailing and trying to act like she is an old friend helping me raise the girls. I don't see this as pursuing. I see this as accepting that it's over and we still have a job to do. It's like breaking up with a co-worker in a way.

It's tough. I want to present my best side and show her I've learned from all this but do it without hoping to win her back. That's hard because I'll always have feelings for her and will always maintain some .0000000001 percent of hope that she'll realize one day she made a major mistake. I'm a romantic. I still have feelings for my high school and college sweethearts.