embracing change

[flowmom]

I am feeling more at peace about the D after listening to some Byron Katie.

I realize that I have to do the difficult work of how to be happy regardless of whether or not we reconcile. It's not like reconciling would let me off the hook of having to face my problems and issues and learn how to be responsible for my own happiness. Also, I am not willing to spend years living with a man who rejects me. Whether or not I am worthy or loveable (which he doesn't get to decide anyway), I don't have to choose the experience of living with someone who fails to appreciate what I have to offer and only focuses on my shortcomings.

I'm still stuck on the trauma of D for the kids. But I need to have faith that between us, H and I can do our best to make this work for them. I need to deal with my baggage about this so that I can access my own wisdom of how to help them, without projecting my own abandonment wounds onto them. I have to believe that my children will be better off not living in an "intact" family where my H is acting like an angry caged tiger.

I can almost taste detachment sometimes. I am sometimes preoccupied with H, but there's less emotional intensity to it now. For example, I think he might be with a woman tonight because it's Friday night and he's spending time with the kids in the afternoon tomorrow instead of the normal morning timeslot. I feel a little anxiety about that idea, but I also have a feeling that it doesn't have that much to do with me and my life. Our lives intersect around the children and finances, but otherwise our paths are separate. I am somewhat grateful to not know about the assumed OW, because it doesn't have anything to do with me.