DEEE-leted. Thanks. I will pick that book up this weekend. I have a lot of reading to do on MLC. Wherever I go, I think I'll be spending most of the time in bed, relaxing and reading/taking notes. Still haven't figured out if I should stay home or go to mom's.
Potential for some good interaction vs wondering where/what I'm up to and if I'm having a better time than him. (I would be )
Few questions I'd like opinions on: 1. I really think these lunches are great together. If occasionally I found a reason for us to lunch together, do you think there is any harm in that? He seems to want to stay around me, and he's always away from me "living his life," so maybe it's a good thing? - or is it better that he wonders what I'm up to and is able to do his own thing entirely without any jogging of how much fun we have together?
Dont' tell him what you're up to. Go to your mom's. Get some TLC. It will drive him absolutely crazy the whole weekend. If you're worried about what he'll do, do Puppy's thing with the recorder in the car. That way you'll have some info when you get back. But, let it go while you're at your mom's.
I do seem to be all over the map, but finding the MLC site (midlifecrisismarriageadvocate) with things that are IDENTICAL to my sitch right now... well, it's really helped push me towards Ghandi - standing up and making myself right and let the chips fall where they may. I've got a notebook I'm filling with thoughts, posts from all of you, notes from DB and other books and this website I just found. I'm putting it together and compiling a plan of attack. In the meantime, yes, I'm absolutely responding to every little nuance - but I promise, I'm getting prepared for the war about to begin. I'm still waffling and getting my strategy in place. I'm no where near complete in my thoughts just yet. I'm still running it through the "will this bring me closer or further apart from my goals" filter.
And yes, I'm still asking for a lot of help because I'm looking for people to give me opinions and outside advice because I am still too close to the problem, still too much in pain and shock. It's wearing off, and I'm getting more and more detached, but it doesn't last and I'm still prone to being hurt by attacks when they come (like him sleeping on the couch... that still stings, but last night I enjoyed really laying across the whole bed)
I'm still in the stage of being afraid of doing the wrong thing and unsure of myself. And I'm not really good with consequences. The best explanation I can come up with is that I've never had to lay down consequences before b/c I always get my way... spoiled little brat that I am. (I admit it)
And I'm coming to realize this time, I may not get my way, and believe it or not, I'm not OK with that yet, but I can see myself becoming OK with it one day... I still want to win. (don't worry, that was a joke)
My PMA is pretty high right now... I guess I need to do more experimenting and seeing what works because I'm over thinking things and causing analysis paralysis.
what if, just what if, this isn't about you but is all or mostly all, about him? If so, you have to let go and detach. Puppy is right about your need to choose an approach and stick with it some amount of time, so you can see if it's working or not..you are all over the place and trying to do 2 somewhat conflicting things.
I feel as if you are reacting and planning in so much detail, and it conflicts, and there's just no point in some of that.
Allen says to snoop and find out about OW- but I have to ask you what diff it makes if you don't know what you'll do if you find out she's there? I mean, do you know? Will you do anything differently? And if not, is there an argument for not knowing? I'm asking. I mean, IF it's like finding out your baby is going to be disabled but you'll have it anyhow, what's the point in finding out during the pregnancy when you can be happier while the baby is growing and find out later? I don't know the answer to that but I wonder what the point is, since you don't know what you'd do.
I DO BELIEVE if you knew, KNEW, that you'd end the M if he had another A, then you should absolutely find out what you need to know to enact that plan. And if you think there's no way you'd trust him again without verification, then snoop away.
But it seems to me to hear you right now, you'll put up with it anyhow, so why torture yourself? I am open to being wrong on this- but wanted to toss that out. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I've read your posts over on MLC. While it may seem that your H is having MLC, I don't think that's what's happening. Your H is a serial cheater. If this were the very first A, MLC might apply but it's not. This is his second in your M and his third (at least) overall. Your H seems to be having the "OMG I got caught" crisis. It's not really the same. Some of what they have to say might help. But unless their spouse has had an A and they've busted it, you can't get what you need there.
You're looking for a reason that this is happening. Your H is trying to say that it's your fault. You're the reason he cheats. We all know that's crap. The part of you that needs security is looking for something, anything that can explain it so it's not your fault but it's not his either because you want to stay with him. MLC is a way that you can say it's not your fault but it's not really his.
I'm not saying that other forums can't have some insight. I surely believe that you need to prepare yourself with as much info as possible. But you need to allow your self to look at your sitch from as real a place as you can get. You're not quite there yet. It takes time and patience.
I do seem to be all over the map, but finding the MLC site (midlifecrisismarriageadvocate) with things that are IDENTICAL to my sitch right now...
If you check, you'll see that I expressed that concern BEFORE you began posting over there, when you were waffling between the two approaches just over here).
It's not a criticism -- just an observation. It makes absolutely zero difference to me what you want to do, or where you want to post, so long as it's helping you. The MLC forum is a wise and caring community, and they help a ton of people. I just think you have to stop the passive-aggressive swings that are likely confusing your husband.
Bluestar, I hear you. I do. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe someone can give me some opinions on whether they think it's MLC. I know this time feels VERY different to me. Here's what I'm basing this feeling on. Certainly, it's not like we can have blood drawn and see on a chart - yup, they are in MLC for sure, right smack dab in the middle, should be 1.7 years more before they're out of it.
-H has always tried to look young, but when 40 came around, he really started saying constantly "you're only as old as you act" and being VERY goofy with kids, fooling around, etc. -H is 43 now, and with the A that happened before, he was still attached to me, he wanted to be with me, etc. This time, he's staying as far away/dark from me as possible. -This time, EVERYTHING is my fault. I'm crazy, I drove him away, he NEVER loved me, he hasn't felt love for me for YEARS, he was acting, the love notes he left for me were him faking it -He says he cannot ever see himself trying again -He will never be able to love me again -She is his soul mate, they talk about everything, they understand each other, etc. They're going to get M as soon as the kids are grown -He's waiting to move on until the kids are older - using me to do this transition, I guess -He cares about me deeply but doesn't love me -He's going out drinking just about every single night -He's reconnected with many old high school friends -He's thinking of joining a bowling league -He's looking for a new car -He's looking for a motorcycle -He's learning how to handle his finances (mostly I think b/c he doesn't trust me to do it) -He's taking control of his life and his kids - for an hour or a day at a time, and then dropping the ball and leaving me to handle it all -OW is a high school crush, also going through a period it seems (or never got over) of reliving her youth -H is depressed - never seen this before (drinking is one symptom) -H constantly thinks of, talks about abandoning me to others, but never follows through -Nothing is his fault, it's all me, every single thing that's ever gone wrong with him is my fault and the only way to solve his problems is by getting AWAY from me. -He has constant mood swings - only seems "happy" when with OW (from pics I see) - but otherwise is a mess, depressed, etc. -Several times kids and friends have said to H "you're getting older, grow up" type of comments and you can LITERALLY cut the air with a knife after that. He DOES NOT appreciate ANY mention of his age AT ALL - VERY taboo subject. -H just lost 40 pounds and took up jogging (for one day LOL)
