Some are because they want to have more romance/ admiration/ respect.
Some because there are other underlying problems in the M.
The reasons can be so varied, but from what I have read in the past - and I can't remember which book I read this in, some have exit A's - the intention was always to leave the M and an A was a way of getting their spouse to do the work and kick them out - that way the WAS doesn't look 'quite' as bad perhaps.
Your H's A doesn't sound like an exit A though as he has no clear plan as to what he is hoing to do - as I understand it, usually those having exit A's usually have a pretty solid plan.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Ah, thanks for clarifying. I had assumed it was an exit A as he told MIL that when the kids are grown in 2 years, he'll move on then and until then, he and I will just keep living together "as friends" and "nothing will change" from what we've been doing all along.
Had a nice lunch. H came to my office, looked at me and said I looked nice. That felt good. I had asked H to talk at lunch - I brought up Retro, felt him out, asked him to pay for it-but I didn't ask him to go. I don't think he's ready, and didn't want to be seen as pursuing.
He agreed after a long time to pay for it out of our tax refund. We laughed a little, we sat and looked at a chipmunk, made small talk, talked about the kids. The best part was the comfortable silences, and feeling that he wasn't in a hurry to leave. He didn't seem to want to leave, much like the day on the park bench when he kept looking at his watch, mentioning time was almost up, but not actually leaving. He did the same today. Finally, at 5 min to 1, I said, "well, I guess I'll go get lunch now." He got out of my car and said have a nice time. He walked away not looking too sure of himself, kind of melancholy. I am in a good mood, brought up a lot of the laughs, he laughed with me, but when he stopped, he just seemed lost, alone and not happy. Few times some coworkers passed by and he waved and gave a smile, but it was superficial.
Few questions I'd like opinions on: 1. I really think these lunches are great together. If occasionally I found a reason for us to lunch together, do you think there is any harm in that? He seems to want to stay around me, and he's always away from me "living his life," so maybe it's a good thing? - or is it better that he wonders what I'm up to and is able to do his own thing entirely without any jogging of how much fun we have together? 2. I am considering going to my mom's house this weekend with DSD instead of sticking around my house. I can stay home and do chores/get ready for planting, clean up the yard - stuff that needs to get done and will help the PMA of the whole house - or I can go take care of myself, stay with mom and let H do whatever he wants this weekend without me around. On the one hand, I'll be around if he happens to be in the house, and we may share more laughs and good moments, but I'm accessible... on the other, if I'm gone, it will be up to him to fill his lonely existence with activity. Either way, I'm taking care of me first. I love planting and spring season, and really want to get the yard ready for some cookouts - making new friends, etc. And if I go to my mom's, she'll baby me, I can have breakfast in bed, go out for dinner, and have NO responsibility all weekend - and it will be nice to have her around. She went through a MLC with my stepdad, and she doesn't know what's going on with me yet but may suspect something. So from a "taking care of me" standpoint, both are about equal... so I'm looking from it from a what's best for the R standpoint.
1. You suspect he may be cheating again 2. There are divided opinions on how to approach infidelity as a whole 3. We don't have confirmation if an infidelity is taking place or not
The one camp here argues that infidelity should be handled as an addiction, using exposure, intervention, and protection for yourself and your family until the infidelity is over and the WS agrees to a transparency plan you are both satisfied with.
The alternate camp reccomends working hard on your end to make yourself a more attractive option, but NOT addressing the infidelity at all... merely acting as if it isn't a problem in hopes the spouse will reuturn home.
Note that the former camp's approach does still reccomend the LBS work on themselves and get a life of some sort, to make the return home more inviting.
This is the issue. You have to find out if he IS cheating, and if so, you need to decide the consequences/responses you will take from those circumstances. Once we know what's going on, we can make some decisions.
He can be sweet as pie and cheat at the same time, men are very good at that. Don't rely on single sample behaviour analysis, you are after PATTERNED BEHAVIOUR here over the long haul. Based on his behaviour I would say they are at least talking still.
Your H acts way to entitled to think he's being sincere with you, and there is NO OFFER of a transparency plan to rebuild trust on your end.. he's acting as if the affair has done no damage he has any responsability to repair at all.
This usually means they are still in teh fog or still cheating outright.
You could just ask him outright if he's been at all in contact with her in ANY WAY.. be sure to phrase this right, he seems to think REPLYING to a facebook post isn't contact lol
I just don't know how he would take that, but i suspect he would get defensive, which again usually indicates cheating in underway.
If he refuses transparency there's no reason to think the afair is over.. and I would even tell him that outright.
The mistake here is that he muddled into a verbal no contact arrangement with you, but no transparency plan was forthcoming or insisted on by you either.
So, you are basically taking him at his word that he's being honest... With an addict this is usually NOT a good idea...
I am second guessing myself now... he seemed to want to hang around, be with me, maybe say something. Could have been get lost, could have been something else... should I have asked one last time for him to go to Retro? Or did I do right leaving it alone and not pursuing? Why do I second guess?
Email to H. Haven't sent it. Probably won't... just needed to type it.
Thank you for agreeing to pay. (Retro host) will refund me the money. He emailed me. Starts at 6 tonight in xxx town. I wish you’d reconsider and go.
It’s strange for me to think of you not having something “in” you… you can do anything you set your mind to. All I know is that I believe in you. I know you’re on this hard, personal journey. I’m excited to see where you end up. I understand that reflecting on your life is very important to you. I’ve stepped out of your way to let you do that. You are a wonderful father. A great provider and a good person. I know I’ve not always been perfect and if there’s anything you ever want to share with me about how I disappointed you, I’m open to hearing it. (ps many of these words come directly from MWD)
All I can say to that email is noooooo, don't send it! Let him squirm. He needs to be uncomfortable right now. He's trying to sort out alot of conflicting stuff. Don't try to control the outcome. The more you do that the more you push him away.
I know that I've made this suggestion to you before but I really wish you'd read Relationship Rescue. It's all about communicating with and influencing your partner. It helped me realize what I was doing wrong and gave me great steps to communicate differently with him. I would say something to my H and a week later he was saying it to me as if it was his idea. Really changed our patterns.
I think that you're alot like me, Pass. I don't think of myself as controlling but I sure can be. It's not about control for me. It's about security. When I feel insecure, I drive those around me nuts. But now, I can see when it's starting and stop myself.
Be patient. Some of what you're doing seems to be getting results. Stop the self sabatoge.
1. You suspect he may be cheating again 2. There are divided opinions on how to approach infidelity as a whole 3. We don't have confirmation if an infidelity is taking place or not
The one camp here argues that infidelity should be handled as an addiction, using exposure, intervention, and protection for yourself and your family until the infidelity is over and the WS agrees to a transparency plan you are both satisfied with.
The alternate camp reccomends working hard on your end to make yourself a more attractive option, but NOT addressing the infidelity at all... merely acting as if it isn't a problem in hopes the spouse will reuturn home.
Note that the former camp's approach does still reccomend the LBS work on themselves and get a life of some sort, to make the return home more inviting.
This is the issue. You have to find out if he IS cheating, and if so, you need to decide the consequences/responses you will take from those circumstances. Once we know what's going on, we can make some decisions.
This entire post is "4 Whistles" stuff, but the above, I think, perfectly whittles down the tens of thousands of words, hundreds of posts, on multiple forums, and the quandary in which Passenger seems to be stuck.
Pass, this is why -- I think it was about two weeks ago -- I said you needed to decide which road you wanted to take. YOU ARE ALL OVER THE MAP, in my opinion, initially waffling between two radically different approaches, and now even waffling between different forums that advocate TOTALLY different strategies and techniques.
You will have people here who support you either way you choose, but I do think you have to choose, because I think the hard-soft-hard-soft messages you're sending to your husband are probably horribly confusing him.
