When I arrived I went over to greet the husband, who grabbed my hand and then suddenly wrapped his arms around me and said "thanks for coming Whatis, you don't realize how much it means to me that you came tonight" This man is not a hugger! Wow, and I thought I was just one more guy who could come or not come and it wouldn't have mattered one way or the other. It's times like those when you realize how you do make a difference to others, even when you think you won't.... I just thought I'd share my discovery, that when we put ourselves aside for a bit and think of others we can actually make a meaningful difference and feel better at the same time.
Thank you for this. A reminder I needed just about now. We all need it sometimes, I suppose.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Since the funeral I've had this overwhelming love in my heart for my two girls. I just want to hold them, stroke their hair and tell them I love them. I think seeing loss reminds you of how painful it is and how lucky I am to have the love I still have. I told my eldest daughter this last night as I kissed her goodnight and she said "Daddy, don't make me cry when I'm going to bed!" Yes, it there is one thing STBX and I did right it was to share our loving feelings with our girls. We never got that as kids so we both make sure we tell them we love them. Speaking of STBX, yesterday she called and ranted for 15 minutes on a grade our daughter was given in school. She was to do a group presentation but was ill so I allowed her to stay home after phoning the school. STBX was ranting because D told her that the teacher was planning to give her 0. AS it turns out the teacher gave D the same mark he gave the others in her group. D16 did an immense amount of work on the presentation and really deserved a decent mark despite the absence. STBX wrote a letter to the teacher outlining our D's involvement and asking for a higher mark than the other participants who "did virutally nothing". OK, bad idea I'm thinking. How do you tell your teacher that YOU deserve a higher mark than the participants who actually showed up and did the presentation. I also think it's common in group work to have some members who do next to nothing and others who do most of it, that's life. I said to D "I say you take your mark and move on" but STBX sees it otherwise. So, she wrote her letter, which I chose not to sign, and told daughter that it was her decision to give the letter to the teacher or not. I also reinforced that it was daughters decision to make. I was so tired yesterday and really not in the mood for STBX's frantics. What tends to happen is that she gets all worked up and I play the voice of reason and therefore get told "you just don't care" so I tried my best not to get pulled into that old trap. At one point I almost let her have it on the phone but held back. It's usually better that way than engaging her in combat, usually she burns herself out and calms down but if I make an angry or flippant remark the fireworks go off and I just wasn't in the mood for that. So hopefully all will be well on the daughter front, we'll see.
Today I took a vacation day. Work has been quite stressful lately so I decided to take a little time for myself. Now, that's not always a good idea in the world of Whatis because dead time can mean obsessing time! In the last few years of my marriage I always had this stress and anxiety hanging over my head and it would permeate my thoughts when there was nothing pushing it aside. I find now, 2.5 years later, that this is a habitual way of thinking. It becomes what my brain does when there's nothing else going on. It automatically starts thinking about the future, about what is lacking in the present, what I am lacking as a person etc. During the marriage I would keep it at bay and although it would often win I had the energy to push on. I've noticed in the last eight months that it is harder to put it aside. I chalk that up to Adrenal Fatigue, which can take months more to completely recover from, and some rather stressful events that just kept coming one after the other. Btw, today wasn't one of those days but it just occurred to me that on days like these it is frequently a habit of mine to think about where my life is going etc. Now, nothing is wrong with thinking that periodically but I find it becomes similar to the human habit of just switching the TV on when there's nothing to do, my mind just switches on to obsessing about life especially if I'm feeling run down, lacking energy etc. I recognize that being alone is difficult even with my kids every second week. I don't have anyone to come home to who I can say "guess what happened today" or "I'm really upset/overjoyed about X" There's me. It's not easy some days and nights, as I'm sure most of you know through experience! Anyway, today I went to a park I like to visit for the first time this year. It's got some great walking paths and a lovely pond to sit by. It was really nice to notice that every person I passed on that walk greeted me in some way. It was nice to be in an environment where everyone felt free enough to be acknowledging to each other in some way. Now, within the city at the parks this does not happen but it's funny how going ten minutes outside the city limits people can be so different. Well, that's my Whatis update or rant for today! My new motto shall be: I shall not obsess. I'm not saying I'll stop doing it, but that'll be my new motto!
Btw, for anyone who followed the other nights saga, my daughter went to school today, approached her teacher (did not use the letter), laid out her case and he actually raised her mark! Who'd of thought you can ask for and get an increase in your mark while not even showing up to do the presentation. Wow, that could actually mean that STBX was right all along...I'm gonna have to lie down for a bit, I'm getting dizzy!
wii.... Even better that D did it without the letter. I would guess the teacher appreciated a student willing to present rational reasoning a bit more then a bullying letter from a parent!
Yes, I told her how proud I was of her assertiveness as she actually is quite intimidated by this teacher. She said "he seemed to be in a good mood today" so she went for the gold!
It's actually kind of funny that STBX was prompting daughter to ask for what she wants. During our marriage if I actually made such a suggestion to wife I would be met with looks of horror. I remember saying to her one time, in the midst of another argument about how I was supposed to magically know her every whim, desire and need without being told, "sometimes in life we actually have to ask for what we want from others. You're not a baby being breastfed her every need, you're a f....ing adult so why don't you start acting like one" Can't say that was one of my finer moments but...what is is!
That's exactly what you have to do, IMO. I often find myself reverting to Platoon Sergeant mode and having to break stuff down "by the numbers." The STBX is just spring-loaded to the attack position -- there's no "conversing" with them. They don't hold conversations by listening -- they just sit there waiting for their turn to speak.
My other favourite was when she was pissed at me because she wanted her chimes rang and I didn't know it. I mean, I should know that the universal signal for jump my bones is "goodnight" What an idiot I was, no wonder I'm alone
