SC, Well, I'm not surprised that he's trying to play mind games w/you....that explains why he needed an answer like yesterday. If he returns back home, he will expect the world to revolve around him, i.e, you cooking, cleaning, washing and basically everything else as well. If he's going to write, that means many, many hours of peace and quiet. With his thinking process bouncing all over the place, I don't see him being able to concentrate for periods of time....the walking on eggshells will be enforce all over again.
The question is this...just how long will he be under your roof again before running. He's not wanting to reconcile because he wants the marriage to work, he's doing it because he needs a place to stay and someone to help foot the bills. But, then again, what do I know?
I would think long and hard about what he's laid on you....do you think that you and your children are up to another round of the man/child being there 24/7?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You say a lot of things in common with what I hear my 1 or 2 most very trusted IRL people say, and I have to wonder how you can see into the situation like this (or why I can't). Anyway, it is extremely comforting to me to read your words, even though they are not necessarily words of happily ever after. I greatly appreciate when people just speak straight with me.
I do think he misses me and the kids a lot. However, I think he's been pulled in 2 different directions for most of our marriage now (me and relatively happy home life versus the allure of what's "out there") and I guess he lacked the integrity to pick one long ago.
Part of my fear of getting back with him now, is why should I assume that this time he can build a healthy relationship with me, when he was clearly incapable of doing that before.
Have the experiences he's gone through actually taught him this yet? The realization that there isn't anything more out there then what there is or isn't, that he really could loose the one's who care most about him, that life is not great when no one has your back, and that living on one's own is not necessarily so wonderful.... or is he still driven to search for some sort of elusive happiness which is beyond my control.
SCH, this is what we wanted all along...them being interested and wanting to work things out. But when that possibility is actually here, everything seems even more complicated then before. You don't know what's true, what's wishful thinking, what can you trust and what decisions to make.
Mila, yes, I totally hear that.
We are going through some similar things, on a sort of similar time scale.
But the thing is, it really did get so complicated, didn't it? When did that happen? And, I don't want to go back to what WAS in the last couple of years, no matter what, and I don't know how to determine if that's what I'm setting myself up for. So it's very push/pull. You made your H chicken soup, which was so thoughtful and nice. The most I've been able to make for him is a cup of tea, and then I left the house so I wouldn't have to drink one with him (well, had to pick up teenager from his friends house, but even so!!).
SC Your h is trying to guilt you or pressure you into taking him back. He is still in mlc and he will run again. You already know this. Don't uproot your life for him. Tell him sorry but he will have to find a new job in his city for now. If and when he comes through his mlc then he will want to come home to you but then it will be real. Honesly I can't believe after everything he has done he actually expects he can come home and you will support him.
Think of what is best for you and your children. Put yourselves first. I think you already know the answer to this.
Thanks Mermaid,
But how do you know this? How do you know he'd run. Some stop running eventually, some don't. Is it just a typical reaction, or is it how you read my sitch? Can you please elaborate, I'd really appreciate it!
When he's in front of me asking to reconcile and go forward with our marriage I am not trusting him, and I seem to recoil when he tries to hug me or anything. My intuition that something is wrong is going off, but I don't know after all of this whether to trust it or not.
THEN... when he's not here, after he's left, after I'VE pushed him away... then I miss him like crazy, and I feel bad about pushing him away.
He could be here, hanging with us all weekend, talking about moving home, and I won't even hug him????!?!?!?!?!!!
I don't understand why I'm behaving like this, but I guess it's just human nature after you've gone through this sort of thing?
But so is that whole begging/pleading thing we all do at the beginning, which is the WORST thing to do!
SC I don't have a crystal ball so do I know for sure he will run again?
No
But...
He does not show any signs of wanting to come home to be with you. If mlcers return for any other reason then they want to be with their spouse and work on the m then from what I have seen it will not work.
He has not said he wants to come home because he misses you and wants to be with the family. He wants to come home so you can support him finacially and he can become a writer. These are purely selfish reasons. He is still in mlc. From my experience when they have not gone through the stages and exited then they will run again. He is in replay. He is nowhere near ready to come home.
I guess WH can carry on like this because 1) he was not, or, ii) is not as capable of -- investing emotionally in the relationship with me?
And as far as the kids go, as far I can tell from what he says, he thinks he's got 100% the same relationship with them as he always had and so there is nothing to worry about (how can he think that when they've suffered so much and everything in their life changed and their dad lives in another city, time, and headspace?!)
Is this weird...
I told WH that the kids were sad about loosing their old friends, especially the younger one because those families just dropped her socially when we got separated. Very nice intact families, like we were some kind of plague to be avoided. WH took her to a neighbours house yesterday and created a playdate for my weekend, and announced that she has no problems with friends. Is this weird?
