embracing change

[ImprovedRomeo]

Last night I had a dream of us laughing and giggling and some fuzzy memory of us discussing a second kid!!!! ugh. Luckily, DD was with me last night so I didn't feel so alone after that.

FM, I'm glad to hear he's a good father to his kids. Did he respond to S6's question? My DD will ask stuff like that but STBXW is very articulate and unphased about answering those types of questions in front of me. Almost rehearsed.

[flowmom]

Did he respond to S6's question?

No. I quickly said "I don't think so...maybe I'll come over for a visit some time" (because H had sort of opened the door to that at one point).

[newmama]

awesome that YOU responded first and made it known you would only if YOU wanted to- you know?

[flowmom]

3 things for my happiness today:

1. chanting
2. walked up a hill on a beautiful sunny day while listening to When Relationships Fail...dialogues with Byron Katie that bring me peace
3. seeing sister later

[flowmom]

I am feeling more at peace about the D after listening to some Byron Katie.

I realize that I have to do the difficult work of how to be happy regardless of whether or not we reconcile. It's not like reconciling would let me off the hook of having to face my problems and issues and learn how to be responsible for my own happiness. Also, I am not willing to spend years living with a man who rejects me. Whether or not I am worthy or loveable (which he doesn't get to decide anyway), I don't have to choose the experience of living with someone who fails to appreciate what I have to offer and only focuses on my shortcomings.

I'm still stuck on the trauma of D for the kids. But I need to have faith that between us, H and I can do our best to make this work for them. I need to deal with my baggage about this so that I can access my own wisdom of how to help them, without projecting my own abandonment wounds onto them. I have to believe that my children will be better off not living in an "intact" family where my H is acting like an angry caged tiger.

I can almost taste detachment sometimes. I am sometimes preoccupied with H, but there's less emotional intensity to it now. For example, I think he might be with a woman tonight because it's Friday night and he's spending time with the kids in the afternoon tomorrow instead of the normal morning timeslot. I feel a little anxiety about that idea, but I also have a feeling that it doesn't have that much to do with me and my life. Our lives intersect around the children and finances, but otherwise our paths are separate. I am somewhat grateful to not know about the assumed OW, because it doesn't have anything to do with me.

[Kalni]

Yep, that's detaching, at least that's how it seems to me. I remember FORGETTING to worry about his whereabouts, you know?
K

[flowmom]

Well that was stressful. H let the children get into blood sugar crashes and delivered them in basket case condition. This kind of thing is kind of a bizarre trigger for H. He warned me by phone that they'd need a snack so I had one ready for them when they came in the door. But then H got into a huge power struggle with S6, insisting that he sit down and start eating before H left. Power struggling never works with S6. I was trying to say "listen to your body, are you feeling hungry?". But H was physically putting S in his chair and there was a lot of shouting and crying from S...and determination to NOT eat. I was biting my tongue the entire time because although H was correct that S needed to eat, I don't believe in power struggles around food. But I didn't say anything because I didn't want to undermine him...I tried to stay neutral.

Then:

H: "if you don't stay in your chair I'll tie you to the chair"
me (quietly): "I think it's time for you to leave now"
H (indignantly): "you're undermining me"
me: "I'm sorry but you're going too far threatening to tie him to the chair"
H: "ok I won't tie you to the chair"

H finally left after bullying H into eating a few bites, and acted kind of resentful and passive-aggressive.

I can be detached about our M, but there's still the whole coparenting ball of wax to deal with.

[newmama]

I'm still stuck on the trauma of D for the kids. But I need to have faith that between us, H and I can do our best to make this work for them. I need to deal with my baggage about this so that I can access my own wisdom of how to help them, without projecting my own abandonment wounds onto them. I have to believe that my children will be better off not living in an "intact" family where my H is acting like an angry caged tiger.

FM I relate to this- am going to focus on it in my next therapy session. It amazing that you are trying to find a positive aspect to it...

and about the tying to his chair comment- those are things you are supposed to keep inside your head lol! I am only saying that I can see your H was frustrated obviously- and I could see something silly like that coming out of my WH's mouth if he was frustrated. I have trained myself to refrain after teaching for 8 years! (you get provoked and of course as a teacher could never say that stuff to a kid even if they were really driving you nuts!so it was good training I think!)

[idontunderstand]

(((FM)))

It's like you're typing the things I'm feeling. The kids.

You continue to be in my prayers!

Have a great weekend!!!

[Gardener]

God, does it ever...