Yes, he's married w/ 2 kids. I reached out to his W, she said that she's had to deal with him chasing after these online infatuations before. She didn't seem too interested in being proactive in stopping him.
And yeah, her mom knows what's going on, but my W hasn't talked to her about what's going on, so all of her knowledge comes from talking to me and she doesn't want to get in the middle by revealing that she's talked to me behind my W's back.
You need to be more DIRECT, in BOTH of these situations, CG.
"(MIL), I'm asking you not to 'get in the middle,' but to SUPPORT OUR MARRIAGE. If NOTHING else, I"m asking you to stop paying (Wife) for a cellphone that she's using to destroy her marriage, and -- frankly -- isn't good for her, either. Will you support me in this?"
What, exactly, did you say to OM's wife, and what was it you asked from her?
I think I did a good job of making the internet situation clear that it wasn't me doing it out of revenge, but because of the choice that she made, this is what was happening.
I do agree and appreciate the comment about telling her that I'm not playing these games with her anymore. I just know that how hard this bed situation is. I mean, I don't want to yell and scream, obviously, at her that she can't sleep in our bed because that's not controlling myself or the situation, but if she's going to be adamant that she's sleeping in there too, is there a solution where I don't come off as giving in or overreacting and making myself look bad?
I think the problem with talking to MIL about her stopping paying the bill is that my W will put 2 and 2 together and figure out that we've been talking about everything and it will come out that way and under no circumstance is she comfortable with that knowledge coming out. She's been very supportive and given me a lot of advice, being a counselor herself, she always has good things to say and she's in no way taking sides.
The OM's W, I explained the situation to her and when I saw that she's had to deal with this several times before, and her saying that he always comes crawling back to her begging for her to take him back, I realized that she had no interest in doing anything other than sitting back and waiting for it to end. So, really, I didn't ask anything from her.
I think the problem with talking to MIL about her stopping paying the bill is that my W will put 2 and 2 together and figure out that we've been talking about everything and it will come out that way and under no circumstance is she comfortable with that knowledge coming out.
WHO's not comfortable with it, your MIL?
I think the whole damned family needs to stop this dysfunctional dance you are all in, and address the IMMEDIATE THREATS that are before it, openly and honestly and forthrightly.
To use Penny Tuppy's analogy, your marriage is in a storm, a huge tree has crashed thru your roof, your house is flooding, and everyone's dithering about what swatches to pick out for the new upholstery.
ATTACK THE DAMNED TREE LIMB, with every resource you can bring to bear!!!
I do agree and appreciate the comment about telling her that I'm not playing these games with her anymore. I just know that how hard this bed situation is. I mean, I don't want to yell and scream, obviously, at her that she can't sleep in our bed because that's not controlling myself or the situation, but if she's going to be adamant that she's sleeping in there too, is there a solution where I don't come off as giving in or overreacting and making myself look bad?
OMG, you're like a chick, I swear (sorry, ladies). REAL MEN don't obsess about this stuff. Your stance should be "I'm comfortable here. If you want to sleep here too, knock yourself out." That's it.
Good lord, you're obsessing over every little detail.
Yeah, she's uncomfortable with the fact that she's gone behind my W's back to discuss everything with me. She knows how much that would damage their relationship. She's said that if my W ever opened the door to talk about it, that she'd get involved, but until then, she's just not going to risk her relationship with her daughter. And I have to respect that. She said it's just unfortunate that my W won't come to her to talk about everything, but she's pretty sure that she hasn't because she knows that what she's doing is irrational, childish and not right and she doesn't want to hear her mom's honest opinion so she's avoiding it.
Ok ok, sheesh, haha, that's been my exact statement to her. I told her that I'm sleeping here because I'm not going to sleep on a cramped couch or uncomfortable guest bed, and if she wants to sleep there too, go for it.
I know I'm probably obsessing over every little detail, but I'm doing the best that I can and what I think is the right thing.
Yeah, she's uncomfortable with the fact that she's gone behind my W's back to discuss everything with me. She knows how much that would damage their relationship. She's said that if my W ever opened the door to talk about it, that she'd get involved, but until then, she's just not going to risk her relationship with her daughter. And I have to respect that. She said it's just unfortunate that my W won't come to her to talk about everything, but she's pretty sure that she hasn't because she knows that what she's doing is irrational, childish and not right and she doesn't want to hear her mom's honest opinion so she's avoiding it.
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
"I spoke to Confused Guy because we're both concerned about you, and love you very much."
End of story.
She's not alone; sadly our country is FILLED with parents like this these days. They think they're being "fair," to "not get involved." Meanwhile, Rome burns.
There are probably three things, more than anything else, that were responsible for my wife deciding to end her affair and try to reconcile our marriage with me. Not my GALing, not my changes, but -- IN ORDER:
1. The pressure and disapproval of her mother, after I exposed to her parents.
2. The pressure and disapproval of our daughters, esp. D-then-18, after I exposed to her and her sister.
3. My telling her that I had no intention of being her friend, much less her BEST friend, if she chose to end our marriage this way (by having an affair, lying to her family about it, and cutting and running).
Yeah, you're right. I think I need to talk to her about it. There are plenty of ways for her to bring it up without admitting that she's talked to me several times about lots of details. I do think that my W respects her mom a lot, hence the avoiding talking to her about it. She said that when my W stayed there last weekend, her reason was because we had been arguing a lot and she wasn't getting any sleep and that was all. Hell, they work together. She doesn't even have to say that she's talked to me, just that she's missed a lot of work lately, been acting weird, knows that we're having problems and she's her mom and she wants to talk about what's going on.
And you're right. If her mom was to talk to her and voice her displeasure for how she's handled everything, I do think it would have in impact on what she's doing. And we've talked about it before, but I should probably reinforce that I have ZERO interest in being friends with her, let alone her best friend if she continues on with this and we divorce. I don't like lazy, lying quitters that cheat. Those aren't the kinds of people that I'm friends with, so if we're done, we're done and that means we will NOT be friends afterwards.
Yeah, you're right. I think I need to talk to her about it. There are plenty of ways for her to bring it up without admitting that she's talked to me several times about lots of details. I do think that my W respects her mom a lot, hence the avoiding talking to her about it. She said that when my W stayed there last weekend, her reason was because we had been arguing a lot and she wasn't getting any sleep and that was all. Hell, they work together. She doesn't even have to say that she's talked to me, just that she's missed a lot of work lately, been acting weird, knows that we're having problems and she's her mom and she wants to talk about what's going on.
This is a start, but I still think it would be MUCH more effective to address the 500-lb. Adultery gorilla in the room.
Why not suggest to your MIL that she say "I know you've missed a lot of work lately, been acting strangely, and I know you two have been having problems, so I was concerned and asked CG what was going on. Please tell me the truth: are you really having an affair with another man, and carrying on in your and CG's home this way?"
Without addressing the adultery head-on, your wife is only going to lie to her mother. It's asking the farmer to ask the fox about the security of the henhouse.
