Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

[james217]

Stay quiet.
You are afraid. That a huge part of the problem.

yes i am. i'm terrified. i don't want to lose my family. I don't want to lose my wife.

James,

I know what this feels like. It's scary, and it hurts.

But as a believer, one brother to another, I would say to you that do you really think that you can care for her better than God Himself?

That is folly, and hubris, and arrogant.

Give her over to God, and go dark and work on James. Let the Holy Spirit work on her heart, and pray for her every day.

He won't let you down.

Puppy

Nope I don't think I can love her better than god can but she told me that she don't feel like she's worthy of God's love or that he loves her either.

I thought that if I showed her unconditional love even through all of everything she'd understand what love is.

I guess not

This is a true story.

On s3's last bday, his biomom pretty much dumped him on us. We simply came by to bring him his gifts. She told us to take him. She didn't make him a cake or anything. He was very upst and crying and WAW picked him up into her arms and told him it would be ok. We took him to chuckie cheese. We bought him more toys and candy. We had him for a month and him and waw were unseperable. His mother did not call him more than twice the entire time. He was always with waw. He called her mama and everything. He misses her so much. I let him down.

s10 feels the same way about waw. He is upset because she's not here. His mother left him for about 4 years and moved away to be with a woman. He and waw would play games and wrestle and both the boys adore her.

She told me she's not their "real mama" and they would get over it. But their real mothers don't even care about them. *sighs*

sd8 is mad at me too. Because i 'm the one who took her in the cps facility and promised we would be back for in 72 hours after the cps evaluation of why she was acting out sexually was up. . WAW did not listen and signed state documents then signed over her parental rights to paternal grandmother. SD8 cannot even say my freaking name. That's how hurt and upset she is at me. CPs was all oer me. But I did every service they asked. Parenting classes, IC, drug assessment, pscy and neurological exams. We were supposed to do couples counseling and then counseling with sd8 but that never happened. waw just signed the rights away saying paternal grandmotehr can do this and that and how she is such a bad mother.

whenever I felt like giving up. waw would tell me that she and the kids needed me. to never give up. to never quit. To keep fighting. So what am I fighting for now? She told me we would prove everyone wrong. That we could overcome our disabilities and show everyone we could be a happy family and take care of our 3 children.

so what do I do now? what am I fighting for man? I miss my wife and babies.

I don't talk about the kids that much at all because I honestly cannot deal with it. It makes me cry.

I have not seen s3 since august. I have seen s10 3 times since last may. I have not seen sd8 even longer than s10. so what do I do now? All I have is pictures.

I'm all alone. My parents don't understand. Alot of friends have just totally turned their backs on me now that I'm down and out.

I tried to trust WAW because i was hitting a depression and trying to figure out why I was also so moody and sick and found out a little bit with the diabetes.

tommorrow I find out if and when I will have surgery. I still havent heard back from this job.

I'm tired MAN. I feel like an awful father and husband. I tried to show waw how sorry I was on our 3 dates. Also how I had forgiven. Now she's not even talking anymore. Even with my darkness she's so distant after that passionate night together into the early morning hours?

I don't know what to do. I'll just keep going to therapy and IC and doctors and try to work and go to school while I feel empty hollow and like a zombie on the inside

how could that night mean nothing to her. I mean she told me she felt closer to me. She felt we were more in tune with each other than ever before. How she enjoyed our 3 dates and our time together. How she missed and loved me when I left her she kissed me so passionately it's not even funny.

Now i don't exist?

[james217]

Dude,

Once they screw you its not yours. you really have to come up strong for them to want to make it yours. That usually means you are or can pull other females and you pull off that deep jealousy.

As long as they know the put violence on you, or bullchit, or played a couple dozen games, and thats what they wanted to do, their not going to care.

You would be a boytoy, not that I say that you are. You are a husband, but to their single mindset, which is in the exact moment in time, they don't care.

After a while you shouldn't either.

It may be some of the WAS get into a "hoe" mindset, and a "hoe" is only concerned about itself.

man i feel like her freaking gigalo or something. after intmiacy like that you should feel better. I don't. I feel like totally sad and crushed.

All i can do is hope that the darkness makes her miss me. Who knows anymore man. One minute we're close the next minute she's distant and cold.

she says she doesn't even know who she is anmore and is trying to "find herself" whatever the heck that means. *sighs*

[konfuseeed]

There is no point to trying to make sense of it... Just get the hell away from it for a little while.

To put it bluntly.

[james217]

Well I'm at my other cornea specialist wondering if I'm going to have surgery or not


I'm pretty ticked off right now. Still. Nc with waw but my mother really irritated me this morning. She is always yelling and screaming. I'm tired of it. I really hope I get this job so I can get out of here.

I get so sick and tired of every mistake I make or me not doing crap exactly how she would or her help meaning taking over most of what I do or if I try to do something and it doesn't work I should have let her do it or done it exactly how she told me.

She always puts me down or throws crap in my face/ I know I have probably picked up this habit in my own m and I'm trying to break it.

Its why I'm always so defensive. I'm trying to address it in counseling

[james217]

Well I'm going to have the cornea transplant on may 20th.

Broke nc briefly to inform waw of that and important mail documents she received because I promised her I would let her know. She's still NC.

I really don't expect any care or concern from her anymore. I think my M may be over. There is pretty much NC on both sides. She doesn't even seem to care about NC

[robx]

you need to stop worrying and wondering about if she cares for NC,
read my no contact post again for the first time (since you haven't read it yet), NC is for you, not for her and trust me it will have an effect on her. Think of all the wondering you're doing now about her, it's quite possible she has a few random similar thoughts about you at her end.

[timehealsall]

you need to forget thinking about what she is thinking nad maintain NC...

you're driving yourself mad!

stop telling her every little bit about what is happening with you...and promising her anything. if mail documents are so important to her, then she can make arrangements to get them..without having you being her do-boy...

[james217]

you need to forget thinking about what she is thinking nad maintain NC...

you're driving yourself mad!

stop telling her every little bit about what is happening with you...and promising her anything. if mail documents are so important to her, then she can make arrangements to get them..without having you being her do-boy...

she asked me to tell her so I did. One brief short to the point text. That's it. No whining or any of that. It's really really not a good idea for her to come here and get her mail and she does not trust it go to anywhere else because of SIL not giving her documents previously.

I'm getting better about it. I'll be fine. I'll have the surgery even though there are major major risks and i'm very scared.

Today I tried to talk to my mother. i would really like to have a good relationship with her. But she's always in attack mode. I don't feel like I can express myself.

I almost went 48 hours with NC. I did pretty good. I can think I can go longer now. I'll just post on here.

[timehealsall]

Focus on you and your surgery and getting yourself better.

I pray that everything works out for you.

Your health is above all!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I almost went 48 hours with NC. I did pretty good. I can think I can go longer now. I'll just post on here.

It's really just a matter of self-discipline, James. How many times in the past week do you think I've wanted to respond to you? Heck, to jump thru my computer and STRANGLE you, lol?

I've read every single word you've posted, all week.

Why do you suppose I didn't, other than a brief piece of spiritual advice last nite? (you're welcome, btw -- it wouldn't hurt you to use the words "thank you" to the people who have been trying to help you, just a thought ....)

Puppy