Today I took a vacation day. Work has been quite stressful lately so I decided to take a little time for myself. Now, that's not always a good idea in the world of Whatis because dead time can mean obsessing time! In the last few years of my marriage I always had this stress and anxiety hanging over my head and it would permeate my thoughts when there was nothing pushing it aside. I find now, 2.5 years later, that this is a habitual way of thinking. It becomes what my brain does when there's nothing else going on. It automatically starts thinking about the future, about what is lacking in the present, what I am lacking as a person etc. During the marriage I would keep it at bay and although it would often win I had the energy to push on. I've noticed in the last eight months that it is harder to put it aside. I chalk that up to Adrenal Fatigue, which can take months more to completely recover from, and some rather stressful events that just kept coming one after the other. Btw, today wasn't one of those days but it just occurred to me that on days like these it is frequently a habit of mine to think about where my life is going etc. Now, nothing is wrong with thinking that periodically but I find it becomes similar to the human habit of just switching the TV on when there's nothing to do, my mind just switches on to obsessing about life especially if I'm feeling run down, lacking energy etc. I recognize that being alone is difficult even with my kids every second week. I don't have anyone to come home to who I can say "guess what happened today" or "I'm really upset/overjoyed about X" There's me. It's not easy some days and nights, as I'm sure most of you know through experience! Anyway, today I went to a park I like to visit for the first time this year. It's got some great walking paths and a lovely pond to sit by. It was really nice to notice that every person I passed on that walk greeted me in some way. It was nice to be in an environment where everyone felt free enough to be acknowledging to each other in some way. Now, within the city at the parks this does not happen but it's funny how going ten minutes outside the city limits people can be so different. Well, that's my Whatis update or rant for today! My new motto shall be: I shall not obsess. I'm not saying I'll stop doing it, but that'll be my new motto!
