like I've said before, at night, she would always show up in our bedroom so that she could sleep in our bed. Lately, when she's asked me to rub something, I've declined, or when she's tried to put her leg or hand on me, I've moved. But, have I been doing the right thing by not giving up the bed and going to the couch or whereever else? I mean, should I keep standing my ground by saying I'm not leaving our bed, you're not getting anything out of it other than a nice bed, but you're not going to push me out of our room and bed? Or should I not give her that feeling that I'm just happy to have her in the same bed and she's winning because I let her come sleep in there, and go take the other bed or couch?
By allowing her to touch you and sleep in your bed, you are telling her that it's okay to walk all over you and that you're okay with her using you and being with OM. She is cake eating.
Keep telling her NO. That's not fair to you.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
I think when they talk about secrecy, they mean do her parents know? Do your friends know...and the big one, does the OM's wife know? Is OM married? Sometimes outing the OP is all it takes to end this stuff.
BTW with consequences you want to try to avoid making it a tit for tat situation. If you do this I'm going to do that. You want it to be where she sees that if she chooses a certain path she will bring x and y upon herself. The difference is subtle. I am not explaining it very well but it seems this is a part of your game plan that needs improving,sheesh, newbies ;-) Hopefully someone will come along lower down and explain it better.
Hang in there.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Well, the trouble with that is this...and I've been thinking about this all morning. We share a car, so do I go ahead and tell her that if she's going to talk to him, she needs to leave and just be stuck at home with no car?
I mean, I think the problem is that she knows that I can tell her to not talk to him on the phone in our house, but I have no way of enforcing it. I can't think of a consequence that I could enforce.
I think when they talk about secrecy, they mean do her parents know? Do your friends know...and the big one, does the OM's wife know? Is OM married? Sometimes outing the OP is all it takes to end this stuff.
BTW with consequences you want to try to avoid making it a tit for tat situation. If you do this I'm going to do that. You want it to be where she sees that if she chooses a certain path she will bring x and y upon herself. The difference is subtle. I am not explaining it very well but it seems this is a part of your game plan that needs improving,sheesh, newbies ;-) Hopefully someone will come along lower down and explain it better.
I think you described it VERY well, DownNotOut. This is precisely what you want to convey.
From my own archives:
The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
Yes, he's married w/ 2 kids. I reached out to his W, she said that she's had to deal with him chasing after these online infatuations before. She didn't seem too interested in being proactive in stopping him.
And yeah, her mom knows what's going on, but my W hasn't talked to her about what's going on, so all of her knowledge comes from talking to me and she doesn't want to get in the middle by revealing that she's talked to me behind my W's back.
like I've said before, at night, she would always show up in our bedroom so that she could sleep in our bed. Lately, when she's asked me to rub something, I've declined, or when she's tried to put her leg or hand on me, I've moved. But, have I been doing the right thing by not giving up the bed and going to the couch or whereever else? I mean, should I keep standing my ground by saying I'm not leaving our bed, you're not getting anything out of it other than a nice bed, but you're not going to push me out of our room and bed? Or should I not give her that feeling that I'm just happy to have her in the same bed and she's winning because I let her come sleep in there, and go take the other bed or couch?
Use the word "games" with her the next time she does this, CG:
"Wife, please stop playing these silly games with me. This isn't junior high school. To be honest, you're really not very attractive to me while you're cheating on me, and I have zero interest in having sex or even touching you right now. Please stop the game-playing; it's childish and disrespectful."
