still separated, in limbo, still hopeful

[newmama]

Lotus- wow- your daughter asks some good questions. I have watched specials on PBS or discovery that do brain scans of people "in love." They show the subjects pictures of the one they love and of a stranger and compare the scans. However, I could see lots of flaws in testing for this!


No one can deny that you feel high when in love and there is a rush. I don't need a neuroscientist to tell me that levels of my oxytocin and testosterone and whatever else are elevated!

FM-thank you for the link! I will check it out!No, I am not ready to go to these kinds of things to pick up on someone! I think I would need to do some online email interaction first and ease into it.

[avermont]

Newmama, the house scares me terribly, too.

I am all worked up because the front needs mowing already, and X will see it looking all overgrown tomorrow. I want it to look FABULOUS all the time.

All your questions about house stuff are good, honest, questions. Don't be embarrassed about what you don't know.

Ask a neighbor, ask a guy friend, if necessary call in your local plumbing company guy and see if he will walk you through it. You don't have to play "dumb helpless female"--just explain you are taking on these projects and need some basic info.

The more you know and can do yourself, the more empowered you will feel. I totally felt hot when I unclogged the tenant's sink. Oh, and here is a tip for free:

If the sink is FULL of water, empty it out BEFORE undoing the drain pipe! Duh! I had a bucket ready to catch the water, but of course it was WAAY more water than the bucket could hold. That was such a DUH moment.

In my experience, people love to share what they know, and teach others. People love to be asked about their skills.

So, go ask 'em!

In your cleavage-showing T-shirt, or not!

[ddstartingover]

I am a jane-of-all-trades.....I can help with almost any home repair. I took on almost all of the home repairs --- even before H left (thought it was my job since I was a SAHM and he was the bread winner!) ---- being the youngest of 4 girls, my dad chose to pass along a lot of hands on knowledge about how to do things----I love to do it too! If there is anything you need help with, ship me a note or track me down on FB.....

[newmama]

Thank you strong women!!! I am thinking of asking my dad to please come over and show me how to do some stuff. HA! Today I will be cleaning the deck (not something that is too difficult lol! I know how!) and then I would loooooooooove to build that damn toy box myself!

I want my dad to do a walk through and show me a bunch of stuff.

We don't see each other much but this will help.

Another thing is to get my tires rotated- easy to do- just take in the car and hand over the keys. So that will be another thing that WH wrote on his "to do list" from last summer that I will be doing.

trim branches- check
oil change and manual transmission fluid replacement- check
clean deck
rotate tires
clean office (I don't want to touch the office! NOT READY. SCARY)

[courageous wife]

Oh, and here is a tip for free:

If the sink is FULL of water, empty it out BEFORE undoing the drain pipe! Duh! I had a bucket ready to catch the water, but of course it was WAAY more water than the bucket could hold. That was such a DUH moment.

LOL! Sounds like something I would do Aver...good for you for trying though!


My DB coach has said that she thinks I need to ask H to do some things around the house, that she feels he likes to be needed...of course, this was before he filed. I did ask him last week about the lawn mower and he said he'd noticed the grass needed mowing and very nicely said he'd get the mower ready to go this weekend for us...

We must learn to take care of ourselves and our stuff and NM, your H has been absolutely wonderful about "doing" for you so this seems to be a good 180 for you to "do" yourself...am sure he will notice!!!

I packed away some things of H's today...sad but not as sad as I thought it would be.

[newmama]

CW-thanks! I didn't even think of that happening- see? And I would have done the same thing! Thanks for giving me a tip "free of charge!" lol

So, How does one "explain" your sitch to dates? "Separated" seems to say "just want to get laid"! Can't say divorced or even divorcing. Married but maybe?

WN- well on my match.com profile when I'm ready to post it (when/if WH tells me he wants a D), it does say Separated and in the body I say "in process of divorce- been separated 13 months" I saw others that said this so I thought I would borrow the idea!

But the friend I am being set up with knows already. And I am not ready for a serious commitment- just company- so I would be dating mult guys but not sleeping with them- if I liked one well enough I guess we would discuss exclusivity. At least this is what I did before! but it was only a year of this before I met WH.I was busy doing other things and would go out with 2-3 gtuys- we'd see each other once/week or so. it was fun and no pressure.

[courageous wife]

Actually it was aver that gave you the tip!!! ;-) I just don't know how to do the quote boxes!

[newmama]

Oh no! Thank you CW! AND THANK YOU Aver! I am sorry that I didn't realize that I read the same thing twice! Avermont, I totally think of you as someone who knows how to take care of house problems so please tell me more if you ever want to.

Another thing I was thinking about- FEAR. Ok I am annoyed that the latest buzz thing is to "overcome your fear." YOu know why? I bet you my WH was AFRAID to sleep with OW and be with her. But he overcame his fear! yippee! It's all about what makes YOU happy right??? That's what life is about- being selfish!

ok that was sarcastic. But some fears are worth heeding!
Why I am not filing for D:
I am afraid of my son growing up in a split custody sitch.
I am afraid that if I D, I will find another man. And then when WH ends his A (their f'd up relationship WILL end- mark my words) he will want to come back and I will be torn.

I am afraid that I will never stop loving WH.

OK if he files for D then all of the fears remain the same. But I will be forced to deal with them. arrghhh!

[gatsby11]

Newmama, I'm proud of you. I'm glad you went out the other day (the McDonald's day) and that you're so open with your fears.

I didn't read all of your pages. . . just the first few of the previous thread and then the last few and then the first few of this one and the last few. We do have some striking similarities. (I got pregnant immediately, as well!)

I hope you don't mind, but I want to respond to your thoughts/fears.

First, your son will be okay whether he's in split custody or primary with you. I really don't like the idea in my situation, either, but I've really come to believe that she will be okay if I show her it's okay for her. (Talking about my daughter, that is.) I'm so glad that my girl is going to be strong like her mom. Not weak like her dad. (Yup, I said it!)

What is worse is if in the split custody, you have to deal with your WH's OW and their life. And I guess you do by the nature of the setup. So that is the bummer of shared custody, I think.

Now for the fear of being torn- ah! Yeah, that could happen. I know, I don't like that idea either. Ok, so I don't have any thoughts on this one except AGREED! (But I should be honest-- I wish I get put in that situation, but I'd be happy with just another man, too. :))

And last, you will always love him. But that's OK, it will fade. . .

Hopefully things turn around, though, of course.

I did read waaay back in your early posts that you said you were going to be done trying Jan 1. (It stuck with me because I've thought a similar thing!) What made you change your mind? Or did you stop trying? Since I didn't read all the posts, I may have missed something.

Ok, bye!

[flowmom]

I hear you on the fears newmama. ((())) Fears can guide us and they can paralyze us. But I think that love is a better guide for us. Not just love for your H, but also love for yourself and love for your S. Focus on that love will probably point you towards wise choices better than focusing on your fears.