As for the Dimwitted Dynamic Duo, if being together was going to make them happy, they wouldn't need to communicate with anyone else.
If having their own child was going to make them happy, they wouldn't need the love of your kids.
The OW is what she will always be, a home wrecking destroyer of families. I say that in a plural sense, because she will eventually drive your X away or leave him. They are showing how hard it is to live under the shadow of guilt their lives have created. She didn't sign on for all this unacceptance and blame.
He doesn't like feeling guilty, and wants to blame the kids because blaming you hasn't solved all his problems.
She really expected to waltz right in as an "innocent" and doesn't like feeling guilty for the damage she caused. She expected him to protect her from blame and he is failing. She can't find a way to make everything your fault, but it isn't stopping them from trying, so the kids become the target.
They both feel guilty ... cuz they are, and it will eat at them as long as they are together. Their shared bond is casting blame on everyone else. When this finally fails to absolve them, they will blame each other for their individual mistakes and unhappiness.
Be sure d20 understands she owes no apology to anyone for saying anything she believed or believes to be the truth. At least not until she sees concrete evidence to the contrary.
Now ... there is this tradition about a birthday spanking, followed by wine ... or is it wine, then spanking? Hey, you know what I mean ... Happy Birthday and please keep living your best life because you deserve it.
