WAW Using God II

[pigskin]

Thanks for the check in, 007. Stayin' frosty here; out of the valley.

[tryingtilDorR]

I am in alignment with this and it has been part of what sustains me throughout this ordeal, and when I feel sorry for myself I think of this as well as the sacrifice I am making for my children.

By the standards of what God asks us to do, I think I'm getting a lot. No it isn't pleasant, but I'm learning a lot about myself. The saying "that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" applies. And in terms of religious leaders I talk to, to a man they say they have nothing to add to what I am doing; I am doing the right thing. And in terms of what I feel is the message I'm getting from God, I am doing the right thing by holding on. Sure it hurts sometimes. But the "better or worse, sickness and health" part of my vow I took seriously. And I still love my wife. And I don't feel that I am entitled to 24/7 happiness. There are times when we have crosses to bear. We can run from them and take the easy way out. Or we can bear them, and reap the reward later.

For me, 'holding on' means I am not filing for D. However I can detatch and let her go and let God sort this out one way or another. He can't force her to make choices, however, so I need to be ready to go on without her.

[pigskin]

Journaling:

W stopped by a couple of times yesterday running errands, just quick interaction between us.

Later attended a meeting at school and W was there, more businesslike interaction from me.

Was busy getting kids cleaned up and in bed in the evening, and before I went to bed I notice I got 2 texts from W: "Are you OK? You hardly said anything to me today."

Then the second 2 hours later (since I hadn't responded to the first text): "I guess that's a 'no'. I'll call you tomorrow to talk."

I just went to bed without replying, didn't care that she thought I ignored her texts.

Sent her a reply this morning, "I'm fine. How are you?"

I guess at my stage you have to amuse yourself with the interactions. Why would she even care about me not talking to her?

Yesterday I instituted a policy that whenever I find myself thinking about my W, our R, or the OM, I'm going to say a "Hail Mary". Said quite a few yesterday; makes me realize I still have work to do to get my detachment where I want it.

[pigskin]

W called on my cell to see what was up with me. I just spoke in a very cheerful voice and said that I have no idea why she would think I am upset. There was no animosity at all on the call; completely cordial between us.

She said "You didn't talk to me last night, you didn't congratulate me on the PTA office I got voted into, you didn't say anything about my hair" (she had gone to the hairdresser that day, and I DID notice, but since she made no effort to converse with me I said nothing about it.)

Again a lot of "me, me, me" from her. If we were together I would have gone out of my way to say those things to her. I know she has low self esteem and depression and needs to be pumped up like that. I just can't see doing that in our current state. If she makes the effort to talk to me, I'll be more than happy to oblige. But the days of me driving that stuff are over.

[idontunderstand]

Hey, pigskin.

It sounds like you are taking your own great advice and things are looking up at the moment. Take it slow and easy. Don't get too excited or too down. Even keeled.

We know what we should do, it's just scary to do it because it seems like the wrong thing to do even though it hasn't been working. We finally realize this on our own. I wish it wouldn't have taken me so long. I'm getting there. It's still scary but it is the right thing to do. Deatchment is a bit#h! I guess it's the only thing that really works!

Stay strong and God bless.

[pigskin]

Thanks pal. Have a great (detached) weekend!

[pigskin]

Journaling:

Some very pleasant interaction with the W today. Just normal business, nothing about our R. Sundays are always good as we both get a dose of church.

I still need to keep focused on my attitude around her. I have to stay cheerful and not be detached in a way where I'm being cold and distant. A good way for me to do this is to view W as if she is a woman I'm not married to. Be friendly, not affectionate. Be businesslike, not cold, as that would come off as rudeness to a stranger. I certainly would not act preoccupied or irritated around a stranger.

Meeting with my pastor this week to check in. We usually meet every couple of months. This will be a big meeting as I'm going to look for some guidance on what my pastor feels about how I'm hanging on. I'm going to ask him about my options on divorce based on where we are, and about the annulment process. Not that I'm on the brink of filing, but because I want to be realistic and understand possible next steps if it comes to that.

The only thing I will be comfortable with is doing what God wants, which is where the pastor comes in. I'm really looking for what he feels is the signal God and I have had enough and it's time to cut bait. Because honestly, if God wants me to hang on, then I will do so, regardless of how much pain that will entail. But I don't want to hang on for nothing.

That's the real trick, isn't it? Our society may say "Dude, you are being Don Quixote here, give it up already. You deserve to be happy NOW. End this torture and go grab one of the thousands of women out there who will make you happy." But as we know, the Lord often asks of us things that society would view as unacceptable.

What makes me happy is doing what God wants and accepting the pain that goes along with it, as crazy as that seems. I don't think God wants me to be a martyr, and I certainly don't want to be one. Right now I still feel I need to hold on, even though I have days where I am really wavering. I trust He will let me know in time if that is no longer the case. I am willing to accept whatever outcome He has in mind for me, and I am certain that it will be whatever is best for me, regardless of how I feel about it in the short term.

[thegoodfight]

If I may be so bold, I agree a pastor can give great advice. A word of caution though, the Good Lord wants a relationship with you and he will tell you things through the holy spirit that he will not tell others. Balance the counsol of others vs. what gives you peace.

Joyce Meyer wrote a great book (IMO) called "
How to Hear from God: Learn to Know His Voice and Make Right Decisions". This book is a quick read, a few great passages from the bible and a great understanding. Bottom line your relationship with God is yours. "He" is a jealous God, all loving but jealous. "He" wants you to go to him and will tell you things he will not share with anyone else, despite what anyone says. In the book she speaks about peace and waiting 24 to 48 hours and sometimes longer before making any major decisions.

Your choice to stick it out or call it quits qualifies as "major". The easy road is to give up, the hard road involves patience and making the decision not when you want but when the answer shows itself. Be careful, there is nothing better for the "adversary" than the disintigration of the family unit. Trust your "spirit" to guide you and you will have inner peace in whatever decision is made. Do not worry God allows u-turns if you find you have made the wrong one.

The opposition will rise when you are on the right path. The world says give up its hopeless, "hope" says hang on and try again. Keep up the great attitude, hang on until you know for sure. This way you can avoid a u-turn! Peace and prosperity to you and your family!

[pigskin]

Thank you for the kind words thegoodfight. I will look into that book.

My pastor is a great guy, but not a "militant" in that he does not tell me I HAVE to do anything. He does a lot of work within the diocese's annulment council and earlier mentioned that he could be of help in that area, without me requesting it.

I am still very clear on my position in saving our family and restoring my marriage to the state it should have been in earlier. So the message I feel I have been getting is hold on through the fire. But I do admit sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel. I think it is more out of the desire to end the pain and move on, which is likely a product of my own human impatience, and concern for myself. Throw my kids into the mix though, and the decision to keep fighting is clear.

[thegoodfight]

You have a very good handle on the situation! Sounds good overall, time and patience. It is not fun, but it is never more than we can handle. Yes, I believe you will know if you are ever to change your position on the situation.