Is this piecing?

[flowmom]

He is distant, workaholic, scared of intimacy, I pursue, chase, want the closeness we lack - it's a cycle....so much more to share but that's the essence.

Yes, that's the dynamic that developed between H and I. Strangely, it wasn't always that way. Before I had kids I think that a intuitively triggered his pursuing dynamics by being really independent, going on work trips, GAL. So it was more balanced. It was after having kids that that developed between us.

IT explains why my childhood of neglect motivates me to continue to chase after unavailable men.

Yes, IC#2 pointed out that I recreated the ambivalent attachment dynamics of my childhood in my M .

The sad part is, as abusive as he is, I can see all the unhealthy things I do to stay enmeshed, make it worse, etc and I feel so much shame. It certainly confirms my stance of dimness - to keep disengaging from the cycle - and it also shows how the "avoidant" will often bait and bait as a way for negative connection and a way to point the finger to the "addict" who gets upset.

I'm glad that you're seeing the pattern here! Don't get stuck in shame about the past though. Focus on how you can ease your own suffering by breaking this pattern. Take back your personal power by making the countless little micro-choices to disengage.

But it doesn't take away my shame at how I have done things I"m not proud of either in response to him, for my part in the cycle that were not rational and were damaging, where I did embarassing things to try to get the attention of a man who was so shut down from me for so long - it doesn't take away the fact that I did those things.

This is a time to show some compassion for yourself. We all make mistakes as we try to get our needs met. Open your eyes to your past actions and role in the pattern, and forgive yourself.

It also doesn't help that H reminds me of those things constantly as the blame spew of why we're never meant to be together.

You can choose to NOT internalize the blame. You can choose to take responsibility for yourself in a loving, compassionate way. You can treat yourself better than your H treats you. Don't follow his lead as to how you deserve to be treated.

It sounds like you're making good choices for yourself right now. Keep it up