Pet lovers out there, forgive me, but I am not sentimental about pets. If you are overwhelmed with caring for your S, I think you should consider finding new homes for the cat(s). That sounds really unpleasant to deal with the cat pee issues and you don't need that on top of everything else. It's time to cut out any responsibilities that are non-essential and not nourishing you right now. You don't need the extra housework that pets create if you are struggling with that.
It's hard to say what your H's apparent interest in your health is. Could be care for you but I have to say that it's worth looking at it cynically too. Do you want it to come up in a custody case that you're taking non-prescribed anti-anxiety pills or that you have health or mental problems? You need to keep your cards close to your chest right now.
Your desperate desire to communicate your way through this crisis is constantly getting you into trouble. I totally get that because a lot of my attempts to communicate with H in the past have done more harm than good, and I'm lucky in some ways that he is not sucking me into convos right now. Remember that information is power and you need to keep that power for yourself.
Sorry for the 2x4 Hope. You know I care about you. (((Hope)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
It's hard to say what your H's apparent interest in your health is. Could be care for you but I have to say that it's worth looking at it cynically too. Do you want it to come up in a custody case that you're taking non-prescribed anti-anxiety pills or that you have health or mental problems? You need to keep your cards close to your chest right now.
I have to say that this occurred to me, too. That he could be gathering information on your mental/physical health that he might use against you later. I know it's probably hard to hear that, but he is not on your side right now. I would follow FMs lead and not reveal to him any more information, just in case. I know it must be so hard, Hope, to not take in what seems like caring interest from H when you sometimes feel so hungry for it, but aside from asking that he take S if you're not well, I would stay mum and count on other friends and family for support and counsel regarding health.
I hope everything's ok- didn't realize you'd been to Dr, etc. Let us know what's going on if you feel comfortable. God knows stress does weird, horrible things to our minds and bodies. My immune system is taking a huge hit, I think, and the sleeplessness we're all suffering doesn't help.
-J/J/A/what do I call myself now?!
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Gno's right - no guys. I just hadn't felt anything for anyone but my H so long, it was nice to feel like I"m not dead. That's all.
As for my anti anxiety-medicine I just received a doctor's prescription and it's the mildest I could take = I don't do under the radar stuff like H. will continue to be monitored by the doctor and frankly this stuff is getting me through the crisis.
I know I let him bully me into telling him. I tried to keep it from him for days and he kept pushing and mocking and thrratening and as usual I caved.For instance, our settlement agreement says he pays for childcare. When I asked for him to pay for a morning camp during spring break for S, he says "Why should I pay for a camp so that you can rest from some mysterious illness you're ihding from me?" If he thought I was lying or manipulating, I had to tell the truth. STuff like that I get cought in.
I regret it now. Believe me I do. I"m not looking for sympathy from him. I wanted to up front also because if he does try to take me to court for custody, he might as well know the truth instead of fabricating something. Actually the medication is mild and helping me enormously so how can this be seen as a problem.
Believe me, he doesn't want to fight custody. He has a nice cozy 50% now. If he wants more than that he'll have to go to court and I have a lot of stuff against him too and he won't want that fight.
If he stops spewing and being awul, are you still going to work towards reconcile or are you done? Does the OW change that for you? Just wondering. Do you know how long you might be willing?
I'd be willing only if OW is gone. H is willing to look at himself and his part in the problems.
At this point neither is happening but we are still in MC.
Hope, I hope (hmmm sounds funny), you can distance yourself a bit and realise what you describe are a lot of unhealthy interactions.And IMO, some you would be better off without.
Put yourself in an imaginary circle and dont allow him to cross the line. No bullying is acceptable, no threats, no hidden anger, nothing of all that is healthy and allowing it surely doesnt bring you closer to your goal. I dont see him respecting you at all. And that is not a good thing. K
Yes you are all correct. I'll write more later as I'm going off to rehearsal now - plan to leave as soon as H arrives and go to my room after. I love the imaginary circle and that will be my boundary. I will disengage from all his attempts to bait me.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Yep, had to disengage big time. H came over in a foul mood complaining about something from our paypal account, asking me why the neighbor is calling him (this is an issue!) and then complaining about how I got the "wrong cat litter" (another issue re: cat peeing on carpet)
I just smiled and said "bye" and walked out. I did not take the bait.
Then as I was driving to rehearsal my car died. H was kind enough to pick me up from the mechanics I was towed to, now I"m in the back room again. Taking care of me. Wanting to go and be with him, not going to do it. I doubt my dimness has much effect since I"m still in the same house but I am just trying to disengage and take care of myself - reading, relaxing, etc.
Reading an amazing book - this is the one for me - "Facing Love Addiction" - shows how two people "Love Addict" and "Love Avoidant" interrelate and it matches my H and I to a T.
He is distant, workaholic, scared of intimacy, I pursue, chase, want the closeness we lack - it's a cycle....so much more to share but that's the essence. IT explains why my childhood of neglect motivates me to continue to chase after unavailable men.
The sad part is, as abusive as he is, I can see all the unhealthy things I do to stay enmeshed, make it worse, etc and I feel so much shame. It certainly confirms my stance of dimness - to keep disengaging from the cycle - and it also shows how the "avoidant" will often bait and bait as a way for negative connection and a way to point the finger to the "addict" who gets upset.
Supports staying detached.
But it doesn't take away my shame at how I have done things I"m not proud of either in response to him, for my part in the cycle that were not rational and were damaging, where I did embarassing things to try to get the attention of a man who was so shut down from me for so long - it doesn't take away the fact that I did those things.
It also doesn't help that H reminds me of those things constantly as the blame spew of why we're never meant to be together.
IF we could both look at our patterns, we could change them. But for now all I can do is work on myself.
He is distant, workaholic, scared of intimacy, I pursue, chase, want the closeness we lack - it's a cycle....so much more to share but that's the essence.
Yes, that's the dynamic that developed between H and I. Strangely, it wasn't always that way. Before I had kids I think that a intuitively triggered his pursuing dynamics by being really independent, going on work trips, GAL. So it was more balanced. It was after having kids that that developed between us.
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
IT explains why my childhood of neglect motivates me to continue to chase after unavailable men.
Yes, IC#2 pointed out that I recreated the ambivalent attachment dynamics of my childhood in my M .
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
The sad part is, as abusive as he is, I can see all the unhealthy things I do to stay enmeshed, make it worse, etc and I feel so much shame. It certainly confirms my stance of dimness - to keep disengaging from the cycle - and it also shows how the "avoidant" will often bait and bait as a way for negative connection and a way to point the finger to the "addict" who gets upset.
I'm glad that you're seeing the pattern here! Don't get stuck in shame about the past though. Focus on how you can ease your own suffering by breaking this pattern. Take back your personal power by making the countless little micro-choices to disengage.
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
But it doesn't take away my shame at how I have done things I"m not proud of either in response to him, for my part in the cycle that were not rational and were damaging, where I did embarassing things to try to get the attention of a man who was so shut down from me for so long - it doesn't take away the fact that I did those things.
This is a time to show some compassion for yourself. We all make mistakes as we try to get our needs met. Open your eyes to your past actions and role in the pattern, and forgive yourself.
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
It also doesn't help that H reminds me of those things constantly as the blame spew of why we're never meant to be together.
You can choose to NOT internalize the blame. You can choose to take responsibility for yourself in a loving, compassionate way. You can treat yourself better than your H treats you. Don't follow his lead as to how you deserve to be treated.
It sounds like you're making good choices for yourself right now. Keep it up
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
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