I remember saying to her "if you want a D then lets go up the the court house this week and get one!"
That's great that it worked for you. If my W said that to me, I would go the other way. Each person has their own reaction/response to an event, but the event itself can be looked at as "what is it?"
Saying, "if you want it then..." is a threat unless the other person actually wants it. If that is the case, then it should be said to give clarity.
until reading this post I forgot i said that to her. Maybe you right W doesn't quite know what she wants.
Me, personally, if I want something or want to do something 99.9% of the time I follow through.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
i just really don't even know how to respond to my H anymore. i got an email from him this morning about him coming to clear out our storage unit, and some financial stuff. it could have been an email from a complete stranger. at least it's making it easier to let go...
i meet with a L this weekend to go over the separation agreement before i sign it. i stopped wearing my rings about a week ago. i deleted all the photos from my FB account that he is in. i feel strangely numb about both of those things. i figured it would hurt more to delete him from my life. it hasn't so far.
i don't even know how to reach him anymore, so it makes it that much harder to determine how i should approach DB-ing with him. i feel like i'm interacting with someone i don't even know, so how am i supposed to know how he will react to something i try? i've been as supportive and patient and kind as i can be. i've tried the "i just want you to be happy" approach. i've tried NC, i haven't pursued, i held him when he cried. i just don't know where he is anymore.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
But he doesn't even want to see me anymore...if I suggested we meet for coffee to discuss finances or something, he'd say it would be too hard for him to see me.
Also, I know you're supposed to do what works, but I have a hard time with the idea of pursuing a man who walked away from our M so quickly.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
If you try, yes you are risking. Yes, he may say no. He may also not.
I wouldn't suggest this TTA, except for the fact that you said that you were certain he was in a depression or something of sorts.
I say that because when I want to run away, I know that being direct helps me. It helps because I have to choose between two options, it takes a lot of stress away. It is time to be direct, I think.
IF you agree, rememebering this is your life and your husbands, not mine, use choices that are "a or b".
For example, "would you like to see a MC now, or wait and see if things change after this agreement that I don't really agree with" tells information, gives your preference, and asks him to choose the course he's on or detour.
Remember, not trying is the only thing you can regret, but the way I suggested isn't the only way to try.
that's true, OTM, i would regret not trying. i guess i'm just not really sure how i'm feeling these days about my H and working on our M. i do think that he may be depressed, but i'm not a professional so i'm not sure...and it's also not my responsibility to pull him out of whatever dark mood he may be in. he is the only one who can help himself out of that. i can be supportive, but he hasn't taken my offer of support so far.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
By being direct, you aren't pulling him out of anything. Giving extra effort because of his state of mind is just an acknowledgement that his sitch is off-kilter from the norm.
If you offer, he rejects, he's on his own. If you offer, he accepts, he's on his own still, but now he has two things to work on (M + him) If you do nothing, he's still on his own.
Now if things work out and he invites you back in his life, then he isn't alone.
So offering in choices, "would you like me to be there for you and growing together OR ..." are good that way. They can show him what he may not be seing.
Asking, do you want to do "x" can be a problem (I think) because it is like saying do you want to do work. No one does.
i see what you're saying...but i guess what i'm trying to say is i'm starting to doubt that i want to work things out. after the first time we separated, my H promised it would never happen again. a year went by and here i am again, same place, same situation. i don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone, constantly thinking, ok, when is he going to leave again? no matter how much i love him. i want more for myself than that. and i don't know if my H is capable of giving me that kind of security because he never has before.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
I'm sure that he meant it, too. I was pretty sure just knowing about ADHD that I would be doing much better asap. Nope. Lots of habits and traits are learned over years.
My IC was talking to me yesterday about this triangle thing between the bully-rescuer-victim and how there is a better way to deal with things when my W (or I) is stuck in these roles. I was going back in my head and wondering if he is stuck on one of these roles, too.
Anyhow, you can't want what you don't want. If you asked about working things out and things really weren't working out, you can say so and both of you can walk away having tried something different. If he says no, you can say you tried even when you weren't all there. If you don't try being more direct, well, you've done what you thought was best and he did what he thought was best. You can always move on without trying everything.
Going back to that triangle, I asked my IC 'what do can do if my W is always on the bad side of the triangle despite me doing it "right".'
She replied that I would need to decide if the R is what I want. It sounds like you want to make that decision. Do it if you are sure. If you are not, keep trying for a while. It is your life and future.
