you slapped her with a taste of REALITY and it hurts.. that's making her coockoo for her coco pops! lol
remember not to believe anything she says. and also, don't think for a minute that the OW isn't probably thinking to himself "holy sheet, I'm getting involved with this looney? "
Stick to your guns.
if you have to, plug your ears up with some good music or anything to pump you up!
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
She said she will stay married if she can talk to OM and others. LOL. Completely logical in her mind. And let me guess you take all this responsibility of her, pay bills, love her - while getting into a lifestyle you didn't sign up for. You may catch a disease or have to fathers someone elses child through your own wife.
I want to see what Allan A and the others have to say.
CB, what are the financial arrangements in your marriage? Who pays for what?
Interestingly, affairs are fueled by a very strong sense of two things: RESENTMENT, and ENTITLEMENT. You can attack the "entitlement" monster financially, in many cases.
Oh yeah, I mean I have zero interest in staying married to this woman without her making serious changes. Honestly, I don't know how serious she was about the staying married thing or if she was just seeing if I would be so pathetic and just want to be with her so bad that I'd agree to it. The staying living here thing is another story. I told her that I was in fact staying here until everything was sorted out but not for the company.
I guess my question is, since she's stopped the personal attacks, how do I move forward? Do I just keep on doing my thing? Should I change any part of my approach? I guess I just feel like we're kind of at a weird place right now. I'm pretty certain that her printing the divorce petition stuff was a bluff last night, I don't think she did anything with them, but I could be wrong, and if she did, nothing I can really do about that anyway. I just felt like last night was her really seeing how much I could take before I lost control of my emotions and the situation. I'm proud of myself for staying so calm and clear headed the whe time.
Yes, he has no leverage because she doesn't care. She's obviously going to be doing alot of things that he asks her not to at this point. His only real leverage are his resources, his money, his time and if its his place he can ask her to leave.
Some of these ladies will cross all your boundaries on purpose, knowing you don't want them to. The only thing you can do is leave or make them leave.
With the "open marriage" question, he could have said - "I didn't sign up for that, otherwise I would have made sure it was in our divorce vows".
He can get her to marriage councelling. He should be building up info's to burst her affair. Like does this OM know she has other OM's?
remember not to believe anything she says. and also, don't think for a minute that the OW isn't probably thinking to himself "holy sheet, I'm getting involved with this looney? "
This is a GREAT point, THA. Because affairs thrive on romance, mystique and secrecy, your goal is to remove all that, and make them deal with the mundane things.
Is there anyone in OP's life to whom you can expose this?
remember not to believe anything she says. and also, don't think for a minute that the OW isn't probably thinking to himself "holy sheet, I'm getting involved with this looney? "
This is a GREAT point, THA. Because affairs thrive on romance, mystique and secrecy, your goal is to remove all that, and make them deal with the mundane things.
Is there anyone in OP's life to whom you can expose this?
Puppy
Exactly...
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
I guess my question is, since she's stopped the personal attacks, how do I move forward? Do I just keep on doing my thing? Should I change any part of my approach? I guess I just feel like we're kind of at a weird place right now.
You are, and you will be, for the next several weeks to even as much as a few months. This is the worst part (altho, for men, I find that they often have an easier time with THIS part than with the "limbo" parts, since we are natural fighters/fixers/problem-solvers). Yes, you continue to do your own thing, remain upbeat and courteous (but not supplicating), and you work on:
- protecting yourself legally - protecting yourself financially, including making moves to segregate finances wherever possible and NOT paying in any way to enable her affair - GALing and "being the better option"
Don't back down, but don't be an ass. Be business-like. "Joe Friday" is what me and my mentor called it, but pick a character that works for you. "Just the facts, ma'am."
Then, a little bit later, she said, "we can stay married.".
Like she is doing you a favor???!!!! This is the thing you have to beat. They get to thinking they have options and you will be there for them no matter what. This chick is such a button pusher. Stand your ground. Try harder to resist getting sucked into tit for tat arguments. She pokes and prods looking to see how she can get under your skin.
+1 about what Puppy said on the cell phone stuff. You slapped down the internet issue so now she is looking for another boundry to test. What are you going to do? Do not tolerate this...Wife, talking to OM on cell phone in my house is incredibly disrespectful to me and our marriage. If you choose to talk to OM, please leave. The choice (and use the word choice) is yours. You want to frame it that way so she can't throw the "you're trying to control me" BS in your face. That's coming next.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Ok, I'll try and answer what questions I remember. Cell phone- I have my own from work and she's on a family plan with her mom and sister, so I really have no financial tie to her phone (her mom pays the whole bill for all 3 of them) Bills- We have always just autopaid 99% of them through our bank account. There are a couple stand alone ones and I usually pay them. Last night when she was talking and laughing so loud to make sure I heard her, I just went to the bedroom and turned on some music. Not blaring it or anything, just enough to drown it out. I probably should have told her that if she wanted to continue talking to him, take it outside. If it becomes an issue again, that is exactly what I plan on saying. Of course, I have to figure out some sort of consequence if she refuses, without being over the top.
I know that the secrecy of their fling is totally gone, I mean, she openly admitted that she was chatting with him yesterday afternoon before I cut the internet. But, In regards to OM thinking he's getting involved with a loony, I doubt it. She is a master manipulator, I have no doubt that she has spun this entire situation to where 150% of everything going on is my fault and she's just "trapped" in this horrible situation with this child who's being immature and mean to her.
And yeah, I know that she's so used to walking all over me and not getting any resistance before, that she's going to push every button and throw everything, probably including the kitchen sink at me to try and get me to slip up or cave. I know that's what she's expecting.
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