She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[steady]

I won't stop her from seeing them.

Of course not. Encourage the kids to be with their mom. This is good parenting.

Know it's killing her that I'm not the way she assumed I was going to be.{/quote]
Don't bank on this. They have a very strong way of rationalizing their behavior. You may do or say something and she'll warp it as if it's the old you coming back and you haven't changed at all. Been there, experienced that.

[quote=tbart01]This picture she painted in her mind of how I would be is now void.

It's not void. Believe me, it's alive and kicking. If it was void she wouldn't be acting the way she is. Again, they have an uncanny way of rationalizing, re-writing, exaggerating, embellishing. Anything to support their decision and direction.

I'm at the house alone taking care of my daughters, which is something that for some reason she didn't think I could do. I'm maintaining my composure and my control.

lol. I probably wrote that first line multiple times in my threads. They will think you are helpless and worth very little with taking care of business at home. Keep doing what you're doing with your D's. But do it because you want to be the best dad you can be, and a responsible parent. The kids need one parent to be the rock they cling to. That's YOU.

Does the WAW sort of pass a point of no return in there mind?

Some do, some don't. No one can predict it. Just know this, she will be past it, then she won't. Her feelings and behavior will move all over the map. You're job is not to get caught up in her erratic motion.

The way she expected t be and act has already backfired.

It only backfires when you become solidly the man you want to be. Even then, she might not even validate it. My W couldn't see me for the person I changed into. She still doesn't. It's almost like I'm invisible. Near the end of the sitch she had nothing that was less than a year old to throw in my face. Now that stuff is two years old. But you see, if she acknowledged the changes how could she possible rationalize the path she has taken? She still sees me as the old me. Granted, she has her own issues she won't deal with. But that's her cr@p and has nothing to do with me. My job is ME. Her job is her.

You can tell she wants to come home, but she can't or wont.

Even if she tells you this you can't be 100% sure. Take your mind off it. This is hers and not yours to deal with.

She doesn't sleep and her stomach is a wreck. All things that she's causing to herself.

Good. One of the good things about being physically separated is the WAS isn't constantly looking at you and running her BS through her head about how 'bad' you are. There comes a point where their own stuff comes to the forefront and they either deal with it or they don't.

Everyone we know is confused at her actions, and angry as well. Do I call her out on walking out on her family?

I wouldn't call her out on this...yet. She has told you two weeks. See where it goes. See if she wants to extend it. She won't be very receptive to you telling her. You are the last person she wants criticism from. Hopefully there are people in her life that will call her on it. She'd be more receptive to that.

Where do I draw the line on what I can question or call her on? Others have asked her if she has someone else, do I ask?

You don't ask if she has someone. One of the things you need to show her is you are a strong man and you aren't concerned with what she is doing. If you find STRONG evidence, and notice I emphasized strong, then you call her on it. But you cannot be vague or have gut feeling, or weak evidence. It will backfire.

The line for questioning or calling her on it - only things that are inappropriate. If she disrespects you, you call her on it. Your boundaries are important. Keep your dignity and self respect. Work on that.

If she keeps pushing off her time away, then you may want to call her on that. But you'll cross that bridge if you get to it.

I would give her the space she is asking for. Sometimes if you give them enough rope.....

One thing I like to remember:

Sometimes you get what you want and find out it isn't really what you wanted. Sometimes you get what you don't want, but find out it's exactly what you needed.

[steady]

Do I ask her what she's doing, because I still don't know? We've touched on things, but we still haven't really talked. Do I ask where this thing is headed and what her plans are? I still have no idea what she THINKS the plans are. Apparently she knows when she's coming home, but does she plan on me leaving at that point? Do I ask all these things or what?

Don't bring it up. At all! She doesn't know what she's doing and if you ask, she'll give you the answer that's in her head at that moment. Two seconds later she'll have a different plan. Again, that's her life, that's her stuff to deal with. Stay out of her mind. YOU DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO, and leave her out of your equation.

You are separate individuals. Break those dysfunctional threads and make sure you remember the sharp break between you two...meaning: there's you and there's her. They are not overlapping as much as you think or act. Healthy couples have a definite sense of TWO individuals who are self sufficient, healthy and fully functioning on their own.

If she plans on you leaving what are you going to do? What's acceptable for you? If it were me, I'd tell her she can leave and you are staying put. She's the one choosing this path. Let her sleep in the bed she is making. Hold your ground.

My W said many times, "Why don't you just leave?" My response was - "I'm not going anywhere. You're the one that wants out, you leave." PERIOD. End of story and conversation.

Notice the line I drew there was about me, not her. I was standing up and doing what was right for me and didn't include her in my formula. This is a healthy boundary.

[tbart01]

All very well put Steady. One of the conclusions I've come to is that I don't want to leave my house when her time is up. I've been away from my daughters for six months, and I'm not going to be ready to not see them every day anytime soon.

I don't plan to leave, and it's going to be up to her what she does from there. She can continue to not sleep and wreck her health or she can bring her a$$ home to her children.

[peace2u]

Right on...

She's obviously got stuff to work thru. Give her the space.

Reread everything Steady said. Bravo Steady...could not have been said better.

(just in case you were wondering what an AWAW would think)

[tbart01]

Today we met for lunch to talk about my D14 and how we were going to punish her.

At the end of our convo my W said she didn't know what to do. I asked what to do about what? She replied, "about us".. She said she was thinking about it on the way over and for the past couple of days.

She said that we needed to talk to work things out. She also asked what I thought about MC, because she didn't think we could work it out ourselves.

I agreed about the working it out ourselves and to do MC at some point. I asked her if she wanted to have it with one of our IC or get a separate MC. She said she wanted a separate one so they wouldn't be biased. That's what I was hoping to hear, and I agreed.

We'll see when this takes place. No hurry on my part yet, but the talk will be soon to air some things out.

[steady]

tbart,

Her bringing up MC is great. A very positive sign. She is showing a willingness to at least try. Reading your post I got a little confused. You agree you can't work it out on your own? I wouldn't make the MC something 'at some point'. I would start actively looking for one and strike while the iron is hot. I'd first ask my IC to see if they have any recommendations. Tell them you want an MC who is forward looking..not too focused on past stuff except the issues you guys need to get past in order to heal your R. (see below)

I have only one piece of advice if you go into MC.

Get a counselor who will focus on moving forward and not spending time focusing on the past. I've seen it happen too many times - too much focusing on the past just rehashes the disappointment and anger the WAS has. Make sure it's forward looking - What can we do to move forward and heal our R. What exercises, recommendations, etc... Date nights, time together, time apart, etc...

I can't stress this enough.

Remember, don't get high on the MC suggestion. Take it as matter of fact. Stay grounded. Don't get cocky. Don't push. Keep the focus on you. Own your issues and work on them.

Period.

[tbart01]

Steady that was the exact kind of marriage counselor I had in mind. I didn't mean that I wanted to wait for a long time. I want to get this thing started as soon as possible.

I was happy to hear it myself, but it isn't going to be a magic fix all. Tomorrow we're going to finally have the us talk. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

[tbart01]

Also I didn't mean to say we couldn't work it out on our own. I believe we can, but she doesn't. If MC will make her feel more comfortable, then I'm willing to give it a go.

As I mentioned before we're going to have our R talk tomorrow. I know she's going to bring it on, but I want to make sure I don't feed her fire. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't bring up any gripes I have correct?

There's allot of things she's done throughout this that has bothered me, to include leaving. My D14 says she feels my W has abandoned them. That's her feeling not something I've implanted. I've tried to tell her that mom just needs some time to herself and not something she's done.

I suppose I need to remember to validate things, but stay firm and call B.S. Should I leave my issues with her to myself? I'm looking forward to this because things will finally be in the open, but this is where it will all begin.

Any other advice I should keep in mind? Also we haven't settled on a place to do this. Should we choose a place she can yell if necessary or make sure she can't? She will also need somewhere to cry if need be as well. Any help would be great.

[tbart01]

Anyone have anything I'm may be forgetting before my R talk?

[steady]

tbart I just got home from being away overnight without computer access.

Just remember this - I can see how you feel that way. Because remember, whether you agree or not with what she is saying, she BELIEVES it. So her feelings are valid for her. Don't negate them. Just because you validate her feelings doesn't mean you agree with them or feel the same way yourself.

Place. Make it as neutral as possible without being surrounded by reminders of the past. In other words, if you guys argued a lot in the bedroom, don't do it there.

Leave your gripes at the door. There is nothing wrong with saying WE - as in, we did damage to our relationship. But don't correct her with a WE.

Own what's yours. Talk about YOU, the issues you have, the mistakes you made, the things you are working on.

Be open to criticism on things you may not even see about you which need work.

If you can't answer a question then state that - "I really don't have an answer to that. I'll need some time to think about it and I'll get back to you." Nothing wrong with that.

If she becomes abusive just say, "I want to have this talk with you, but I don't want it to contain disrespect, so maybe we should take a break." "i understand you're angry and you feel the way you feel. But I care about myself enough to not allow anyone to disrespect me or abuse me." etc....

Draw boundaries if you need to. The paragraph above is drawing boundaries. Notice, I didn't say she was abusing...the focus is totally on you and what is acceptable to you or not. Using the "I won't allow anyone...." does not put the blame on her, but draws a distinct line of a boundary you have with everyone. If you say, I won't allow you to disrespect me, her defenses will go up and the battle will begin. How can she argue with you saying you won't allow ANYONE to treat you like _______ fill in the blank. After all, she can't deny she feels the same way.

Hope this isn't reaching you too late.