Next steps

[flowmom]

Congratulations on the half marathon! You're amazing

I hear you on wanting forgiveness/closure. It's a need I have too and I will probably pressure H into C with me at some point just to have the opportunity to do that (using coparenting as an excuse) even if there's no hope for reconciliation.

OTOH, what about doing The Work on "I need H's forgiveness" or "I need to understand what happened".

Good for you on tossing his stuff out. The gall of his calling into question your honour . I'm glad you're getting some satisfaction out of seeing his reaction when he's not in control of everything and calling all the shots. Every step that you take to take care of yourself is very symbolic.

[avermont]

Oh, good suggestion--do The Work on "I need his forgiveness." Because--light of dawn here--I NEED TO FORGIVE ME!!! wow, and I spared myself a whole hour of Work there.

I don't know HOW to forgive me, but clearly that's the thing.

Yeah, pretty fricking unbelievable that he would call me to task on HONOR for moving his stuff. I refrained from replying "I treated your stuff with more respect than you did me, or the end of our R."

Well, I sent the 'it's all my fault' note--and who cares? I'm saying what I want to say FOR ME. He can read it or not.

Thanks, Flowmom.

The half marathon was pretty amazing. And another next week!

Thanks so much for posting on everyone's thread, FM. I'm just concerned that you don't burn yourself out taking on so much of others' grief. Take care of yourself first.

[Gardener]

[Good for you on tossing his stuff out. The gall of his calling into question your honour . I'm glad you're getting some satisfaction out of seeing his reaction when he's not in control of everything and calling all the shots. Every step that you take to take care of yourself is very symbolic.

And empowering! Good for you.

[avermont]

Grrr...just got his email confirming he will have a truck tomorrow and be at the house from approximately 10-6.

Concludes with: "can I count on you not being around?"

Like duh, the previous emails were all about--I will be out all weekend. let me know when you are coming so I can be out of the way.

You can count on me, dear X--you can count on me!

As if I could bear watching you and Sweet Thing go into OUR garage and pull out all the stuff that I have looked at and loved for 23 years.

I have a full day planned for Saturday; need to complete Sunday plans...and phew...one more step done.

Thanks for checking in guys--I don't want to wear out my IRL friends with this part of the process, and as they are his friends, too, I don't want to say too much.

[avermont]

Oh, and let's be clear:

I didn't toss his stuff out. I carefully packed everything in sturdy boxes. I labeled the boxes with everything in them, even the boxes with all the weird small misc. stuff that is the hard stuff to pack.

I stacked it all fairly neatly in the garage. The last stuff was hard, of course, because you get to all the bits and pieces that don't really categorize into anything specific.

He asked, in his angry email: who is coaching you on this? honestly, who is telling you to act in this way?

And believe me, the coaching I got was to: throw his stuff out the window. Sell it on ebay. Put it on ebay and craigslist.

Well, I guess only I get the satisfaction of knowing I did it in the cleanest, most honorable way I could.

I could stand having him in the house packing his stuff. That would be fine. But he would bring Sweet Thing with him, and that would be NO GOOD.

Sorry to keep venting on this.

[flowmom]

Stop second-guessing yourself aver . Take action and don't internalize his reactions. You did the right thing and you did it in a respectful way. He's talking about "coaching" because he's not prepared for you to assert yourself and is trying to explain it to himself as outside influences.

[avermont]

Thanks, FM.

clearly it is a rainy Friday and I don't feel like working--haven't goofed off this much on the boards in months! (a friend staged an intervention)

As I was always the strong one in the R, I don't think he is surprised at my taking action. He was just pissed, and I don't blame him. I would be furious if he packed up my stuff.

But, to quote, "what's done cannot be undone. To bed, to bed, to bed."

Except it should be "to work!"

[flowmom]

Avermont, I posted about this but I thought I'd bring it up here. Are you on ADs? I am trying them for the first time.

I don't think that I was actually depressed when I started on them, just feeling the incredibly difficult feelings that have been triggered by the separation. And struggling with a lot of anxiety. I just wanted to share here that now that the ADs are kicking in, it seems like the positive things that I'm doing for myself are starting to kick in. It seems like it's easier to let go of the painful thoughts (about possible OW) rather than them festering in my mind. I still have hopeless thoughts about the future, but they don't stab me in the gut anymore because the anxiety isn't as strong. So I just want to say that I think that ADs might be helping in my process of detachment.

Also want to say that I downloaded a short and cheap audiobook from Byron Katie to listen to during a walk, and something really clicked in me as I listened to the words. Just wanted to recommend them when you want to put something positive in your brain when your brain is stuck on stressful thoughts.

(((Aver)))

[LookingFrAnswers]

((((Aver)))), Am going to catch up on your last posts when I can really read them (right now my eyes are blurry & too tired) but want to send you hugs and lots of support.

I am thinking of you & have been all last week - it's been a rollercoaster.

I see you are in good hands here with some of the best folks on the board. Please hang in there & I'll talk to you soon.
And AWESOME job on the marathon, half or not-way to go!! Wish I could channel my angst so productively!

((((Aver))))

[LookingFrAnswers]

Oh, and let's be clear:

I didn't toss his stuff out. I carefully packed everything in sturdy boxes. I labeled the boxes with everything in them, even the boxes with all the weird small misc. stuff that is the hard stuff to pack.

I stacked it all fairly neatly in the garage. The last stuff was hard, of course, because you get to all the bits and pieces that don't really categorize into anything specific.

He asked, in his angry email: who is coaching you on this? honestly, who is telling you to act in this way?

And believe me, the coaching I got was to: throw his stuff out the window. Sell it on ebay. Put it on ebay and craigslist.

Well, I guess only I get the satisfaction of knowing I did it in the cleanest, most honorable way I could.

OK, I'm way late! I'm so sorry I wasnt' around last week for you during this rough time. I think FM is spot on as to why X is PO'd. Whatever. Having a hissy, and accusing you when HE is the one who is w/o honor. You have a right to be upset, and to your feelings. Keep venting as long as you need, but I hope now, a week later you are not still letting his cr*p take up rent in your mind! You were right - you know it. I know how upsetting those nasty emails from X can be.

You are doing great - I know. The packing - I've been doing it the last 2 wkends - uggghhh. It's gut wrenching. And I've only been really packing my stuff!! Whatever X says, try not to take it to heart. Easy to say right? But learning/trying to do that, as advised here & in DB, was a huge help to me. His attacks are fueled by guilt. You are owning your part, maybe more than you should. I totally relate. But he's not owning his, he's not doing the personal growth you are - painful though it is. So all he can do is lash out.

Hold your head high, you are behaving with "character, strength & honor" - quoting a favorite line by Puppy.

Thank you for your supportive & caring post in my low point last week. It means so much. I'll check in again soon.
((((Aver))))