still separated, in limbo, still hopeful

[flowmom]

I guess regarding the L, I feel better that I have a L picked out and who I trust. I know that she can handle any kind of D, and I know that if H suddenly starts something legal, I have someone in my corner ready to help me and answer questions. She is just an email or phone call away. I also can start doing the paperwork that I need to do so that she has all the info that she needs from me to start my file. H doesn't know about the L...in fact I'm only telling 2 people about it IRL.

[newmama]

Update - busy doing GAL things! yesterday took S to a fun tumbling place and we visited my g-ma.

Today I finished trimming the branches, did some weeding and WH was very surprised. I also took my car in for an oil change. He gave me directions (I USED TO DO THIS ALL THE TIME YOU IDIOT!!) but did warn me they would try to sell me stuff I don't need. He said he was going to take my car in!
Said I needed to change my manual transmission fluid. So that was nice of him I guess. He also changed my cabin filter and checked my air filter for me.

The funny thing was that it was expensive so I should have let him take it in so he would pay for it! lol

I also had him take S to swim class (alone for the 2nd time!!!). I wonder if anyone will ask "where's your wife?" and how he would respond haha!

Today I took a leisurely time getting ready and made this greek bruschetta for dinner- it is like regular tomato basil bruschetta but has cucumber!

I also bought a couple of new shirts-one is casual but shows cleavage and the other is a little fancier and can show cleavage (if you pull it down haha!) So I will be wearing that one tomorrow night when I go out to a single/divorced parents meet up.

Today WH was chatty and nice so I am suspicious. He did bring up daycare and asked if we needed to register. So I will call them.He said he was looking at some other daycares set up through YMCA. I stayed casual and relaxed but he is good at reading "micro-expressions" so I am sure he saw it bothered me.

Oh yeah and started watching a movie while working out today- it was called "Extract" and the premise is the owner of an almond extract business has been sexually neglected for the last few months. A gorgeous con artist starts working there. His buddy comes up with the idea of getting the guy's wife to cheat on him so that he can cheat on his wife with the gorgeous girl- it would be even in that way. It really is funny despite the infidelity theme- I haven't finished it yet but was not offended in the least!

I was probably in the same space as him for like a total of 30 minutes all day- and he was here for 7.5 hours!

I did notice that he was next to me a few times without moving away. And I wore a revealing half tank to work out in- he couldn't avoid looking haha!

So am trying to figure out if I want to go out with this new guy.

[newmama]

CW where is your thread??? I can't find it!

[newmama]

CW I found your thread- duh- just missed it the first time I looked!

But thought of something- I feared taking care of this house and I don't want to be stuck with it for long because that is a huge stress to sell. BUT I made a list of all the things that stress me out about the house.

The yard is one so I am learning how to take care of it. The yard has soooooo many aspects to it.

Keeping it clean when I go back to work- hello- that is why they have cleaning services!! lol!

ok this is so airheadish of me- I am blushing- but figuring out how to set the thermostat! I want to learn without asking WH!!! and here are other embarrassing things I don't know YET-please don't make fun of me!:

need to learn how to turn off the main water line (is that even the right term?) in case a pipe bursts again

need to learn how to turn off the gas line

need to learn about the chimney and fireplace

need to learn what else I am overlooking!!!!!

My biggest fear is shared custody--and the future for my S growing up like this--but can't "see" it or "feel" it to tackle it....am meeting with my therapist next week to help me unblock that!

Oh and FM if you are reading this, I read about "The Work" in O magazine and thought of you! (since you have used it!) I don't get how to use it yet though.

[mindfull]

Newmama in the house! Have to get the kids up for school, and need to catch up, but I vote for the date. LOL

[newmama]

Well tonight was interesting- I went to a meet up group and it was advertised differently than what it was- I thought it was supposed to be something about learning to live your best life-- plus there was wine and food, haha!

First off, I was sure to leave the house looking foxy- who knew who would be there? And pretty sure WH noticed haha!

When I showed up, it turns out that it was almost like speed dating which made me almost walk out the door- umm not ready for that. Well they had us meet another person we don't know, then join another duad and answer certain q's. This was for the purpose of making new friends or finding a romantic interest.

An attractive guy started talking to me- well actually I started talking to him! I asked him what he was drinking and then he picked up the conversation. He was in very good shape and mentioned that he worked out (a few times at least in our conversation). If I was seriously interested in dating I would have said something like "Oh I can tell!" or "Oh, I noticed!" but I refrained. I just found myself thinking how the hell do I explain my sitch if some question comes up???Don't want to scare men away!We still chatted until someone interrupted us and then I went downstairs.It was good practice for remembering how to make small talk though.

When I headed downstairs and joined a couple of ladies who were talking about, amazingly enough, the neuroscience of falling in love (Whatnow are you reading this???)!

She mentioned that it takes about 15 months for the chemicals to fade and reality to set in- this is where people drift apart or stay together. Also that we should be looking for matches in others who get their "high" from the same things we do. Makes sense. But I never got to hear about the third thing which was that we go for complementary brain systems...not the same system as ours or something. But I didn't get to learn about it because we started our activity.

So I ended up talking to a couple men and a couple women, 2 of which were life coaches. The first life coach discussed how she has lived her life setting a goal, then taking steps to meet the goal and she has achieved everything she ever wanted. (I took a mental note!)

The second life coach first tried to "counsel" me with "guiding questions" but homey don't play that! (lol) so I turned it around and asked him about himself- well he was mentioning how he was trying to make a decision about whether he should take off to travel or keep his job. He meditates each morning and he said many times people want quick answers to life impacting questions like these because they feel uncomfortable and want to know what to do. He said that it is okay to be uncomfortable for awhile as you wait for an answer.(although you can't do this for every decision-just depends on the time!) I think this relates to whether you pray or meditate or...well I don't THINK you can get an answer if you don't choose one of those 2 paths! ???


So then I remembered- oh yeah, I am not single single anymore, I am single with a baby at home and I have to leave. I picked up a McDonald's ice cream cone on the way home and the attendant said "Where are you going? to a party? You look Niiiice!"
It made me feel so good! WHen I arrived to see WH in the house I was authentically lit up and rejuvenated from the night out. He showed me the baby gates he installed and I smacked him on the arm when he said something- I guess I was flirting but it wasn't intentional. He kept his body near mine as I checked his installation of the gates and tried them out.

That is pretty much it! I do recommend these meetup groups although I always feel nervous showing up alone but every time it works out!

[newmama]

no not every time- the last wine meetup cost me 30 bucks and I only stayed for 15 minutes!

[Lotus]

I have been reading a lot about the brain chemicals of love and all the neuroscience stuff you just alluded to. So on my recent visit to my daughter, the neuroscience PhD candidate, I figured I'd ask her if she was aware of all this new research in her field.

I was surprised by her answer. She said that she thought it was possible that there might be brain chemicals involved in being in love, but that it is not a subject taught in neuroscience as it is currently taught, and that she could not imagine how they would test such a hypothesis. How would they find human subjects who were "truly in love" versus "thinking they were in love" who would stay in love for the full length of time of the study, and how would they find a control group that was not in love, and how would they have the subject keep the "in love" thought in his/her mind while doing an MRI to see these phenomena in the brain, and not have the subject mentally wander and think about something else? All in all, her opinion was that this was pop psychology and not the result of any real scientific inquiry.

[flowmom]

Newmama, sounds like the meetup was fun! Personally I would die if I was in a date-ish kind of situation like that, but I know you're further along than me . About the guy mentioning that he works out...that would be a huge turnoff for me. I love a guy who's fit, but can't stand it when men are vain and obsessed with working out, their bodies, etc. I guess BTDT with H.

Good for you for tackling the house issues. Your decisions should be based on what's right for you and S, not fear.

Oh and FM if you are reading this, I read about "The Work" in O magazine and thought of you! (since you have used it!) I don't get how to use it yet though.

Check out the video clips of The work in action:
http://www.thework.com/index.asp

[WhatNow]

both Helen Fisher and Daniel Amen have studied the brain stuff for awhile. Short of reprinting their books here, I will say they have used brain scans, and MRIs, college students, and animals (monogamous and non) and the research seems legit. I recommend their books...good stuff to know in this transition we are all passing through.

nm, you are my hero! I have days at a time where I am empowered to live the single life (doing "his" chores around the house that involve the drill and hammer!) but actually "going out" seems like so much work. And then I have days where I want to bail on the whole thing.

So, How does one "explain" your sitch to dates? "Separated" seems to say "just want to get laid"! Can't say divorced or even divorcing. Married but maybe?




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