....I know it doesn't sound like it, but I really do hear, and agree with what you're saying. I guess what I'm having trouble with is putting boundaries on it. You told your wife you would divorce after a year of no change, and you changed yourself as well.
How do I create a situation where I keep up with my 180s and learn how to love him in his way, and at the same time make a boundary where I'm not being put in danger of losing my car, my apartment or my health?
As to boundaries.....setting boundaries is a whole set of topics on itself. One that others are better skilled in advising you on.
Personally, if it were me, I would rather than setting boundaries, first figure out how to heal myself (by forgiving him or controlling your anger) and creating a situation to support the healing of my spouse, then later set boundaries.
I have been working hard every day to make my wife feel loved in her primary languages of love. I have told her (and myself) that I can not change her, only she can change herself and that I wasn't going to try to change her, that was up to her. I was going to change myself and she could change with me (and I would support her in her changes) or we could drift apart. I explained my goals for changing myself and demonstrated to her over several months that I was going to achieve my change goals.
The Montana wife worked hard at not fighting with her husband and giving him space to work out his life crisis issues. Are you sure that you husband is just lazy and using you as a doormat; or could he have some spiritual/emotional life crisis, like the Montana husband? Are you really sure you know what is happening in his mind? If he doesn't know what is going on, how can you?
As to your 180's, are they working? Are they critical to regaining your self-image and happiness? ....Or is it time to try something else that might work? This is the ultimate sociological lab experiment and you must have a degree of detachment to be able to perform the experiments and note what works and what doesn't work.
From re-reading several of your posts, it sounds like what you would really like is for someone to tell you that you are right to be angry, that you are being used and you should leave him to wallow in his own self pity and laziness. I am sorry, but that isn't going to be the advise, I will give.
Good luck to you, may I suggest that you really tell him what is bothering you, once you figure out the real source of your anger. Make sure he understands you. Also give him a chance to change with you to where you "need" to be.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
