Twenty four year old son told me he was moving out next month, after I asked if he'd transferred money for 'rent' into my account. With the images of him being independent, I congratulated him and was happy for him.
Two thoughts occurred. One, that I fear that he'll never come back. That in his mind, once he's gone, he's gone. The second was that if he's out of the house, then he's off my car insurance. That I would sign the car over to him, give it to him and he'd be responsible for the kit and kaboodle. I have this high anxiety about drinking and driving and know that he's done that in the past.
After a bit I went downstairs to the Man Cave where he'll stay (away from me) especially since requesting a token amount for being here. I asked him questions about his moving, where he was moving to, with whom, was it in a safe area. "I love you, the door is always open." "Mom, when I move out that means I'm not coming back."
I asked him about visiting him (an hour away) and taking him out every now and then. "Uhhh.. nope." Eek.. suspicions confirmed.
"I'm happy you're getting your apartment, being independent. And I understand that me asking for rent prompted your departure. I just don't want there to be any bad blood or grudges. I know I'd do that with my parents when I was younger and I hope to avoid that."
He felt insulted.. injured? to be asked, expected to contribute at home. That he worked hard for his money. That I hadn't even looked for a job. And that he didn't want to be involved in a big emotional talk.
I suggested that talking helps folks know what they're feeling rather than just reacting. And that sometimes when I talk to him, I feel like I'm talking to a wall. He told me I was too anxious, worried too much about drinking and driving.. that he was 24 years old, had a job where he drove 90% of the time, that he was responsible. That my worrying did nothing good in the end.
So.. whenever he and I start getting close, I do something that pushes him away... brings up the impenetrable defenses shield.
I know it's a choice he's making. And that I can be an emotional marshmallow mom, wanting to protect my kids.. and at the same time have the subtly of a cast iron frying pan to the head when talking about things.
So, I feel I'm being punished. That's he's rejecting me while at the same time seeing me as inadequate. And that's okay.. they're assumptions (based on knowing him). I just keep in mind that independence is a good thing for adult children (thank you pals!). That his defensiveness rivaled what mine had been. And that I wish I knew how to talk the right way to move forward rather than away.
Anyway.. I've been laid up with asthmatic bronchitis.. the first time I've contracted it since the former spouse left over two years ago. It used to leave me incapacitated for weeks. I figure monetary stress is taking its toll. I can still move around but need rest.. and just took the cough medicine with codeine so I suspect my thought process is going to meander to dangling participles and incomplete thoughts and nonsense.
