My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[TrentC]

So what would happen if I "bugged" her again and she backed off my h and he panicked some and I wasn't as available?

First -- you don't know why she backed off the first time. So you really have no idea what will happen this time.

Second -- what kind of relationship do you want? Do you want to actually have a healthy marriage, or do you just want your H back?

If it's the latter, then go ahead with what you're doing. If it's the former, then stop wasting your time worrying about him and the OW and work on yourself.