I would agree on the unfriending thing as well. don't be searching for things. and with "so much time and energy on what HE is doing or not doing". although you sound stronger in regards to him, you are still too focused on what he's doing. but perhaps you are only focusing on those things while you are here, but I'm thinking that may not be the case.
I think if he doesn't contact you for visits, then perhaps you should wait till the next day to respond to him.
you did good to tell him to figure out his half. that is his responsibility.
and if you read that article, it says the breastfeeding actually strengthens their teeth. kinda long, but definitely interesting.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Ok, I don't have long here but wanted to clarify..I wasn't 'looking' at exh's stuff on fb. I was reading someones status and the following comments...his happened to be one of them. I wasn't seeking it out. Seeing it just made me sick. I am sure if you all were in the same situation you would feel the same way.
Again, I use this place to journal feelings and vent. IRL I really don't think about exh as much as you all think I do. Maybe still too much, but not 24/7.
I do the best I can at GALing. No money, no real help and no money to PAY a babysitter means I have to rely on family which is my kids and they are hardly home as they have thier own lives, school, and jobs and my 88 year old mother who has her own life. Yes, my d18 is watching baby for a few hours tomorrow night so I can go out with a couple of gf's and my mom is watching her for a few hours while I attend a memorial service on Sunday. Not to mention at every free moment I am trying to study as much as I can so I can someday try and earn a living.
I appreciate what you say...I really do and I get it. I journal stuff here and vent. Exh is not my whole life..baby is. I will admit that. I am number 2 right now. She needs stability and love. Not a mom that is too busy for her.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
that is great that you are putting baby first. I think that is necessary, and you are still doing things for yourself like taking time out for school so that you can have a future for you both, and that is also putting baby first in a way.
well, if it helps for you to get things out and vent here, that is perfectly fine...that is what this is here for anyways. we just want to make sure that it is not more than it should be and that your still moving forward.
I do think that your doing good and not getting emotional about H, and I agree, it would make me sick too to see those things on FB. Hopefully someday you can just move away from that place and meet lots of new people.
If you can, I think the next time exh comes around and acts like the good dad, you just keep your distance and keep those boundaries because otherwise, it's going to look like this... baby will get attached to her dad, then he'll be away, then back and forth again. So, if you can keep it more consistent, by not letting him just walk in whenever he wants, and be around a ton, so that the next time he will be gone, I think that will really help her in the long run.
I know this is really hard, so you just do the best you can do. you've done really good too. I couldn't imagine doing what your doing, you are a very strong woman.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Exh came by today...twice. He came by earlier this morning with some medication for baby that I asked him to pick up and then this afternoon he just showed up. No call. No text.
Tonight I sent him a nice text that said 'hey...i think its best that you call or text before coming by. I am sure you understand. Thanks'.
He flipped! Called me and asked what he did wrong now. I said nothing I just think its best we have some boundaries. He got angry and said this was about me being controlling and still wanting to control everything. I said no, it was about me having some privacy. I said nothing has to change other than you giving a simple call or text to see if we are home or busy. He didn't like that at all, proceeded to call me more names and tell me how unhappy he is etc. I said I am not being difficult, just want to be able to relax in my own home.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
good for you standing up, but next time if he's going to be angry and call you names, tell him your hanging up and he can call back when he can talk respectfully to you. for real, don't answer his questions when he is being rude and angry. too bad for him, I don't know of any exH's that will just show up unannounced.
the problem is, you had been letting him do that, so this is not unexpected IMHO for him to act like this. and yes, you are controlling the situation, but duh, this is what SHOULD happen. you need to control YOUR life, your not controlling his.
good job though
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Thank you ST! I knew exh wasn't going to be happy with the new request, but oh well.
Yesterday was a visit day between 8-10. At 9 I was doing my usual Saturday morning cleaning and exh started texing:
exh: When can i see my daughter? Me: Its your time right now? Are you coming? Exh: Nevermind. Me: Are you coming or not? Exh: Obviously you have plans, so no im not. Me: No plans. We are here.
Found out later that exh went to a friends kids base ball game during that time. He tries to set me up! Does he not think my friends that are at the game won't tell me? Strange! Haven't heard from him since. Baby has been still sick off and on with a fever/cough and he doesn't bother to check in. Fine by me.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Exh came by today...twice. He came by earlier this morning with some medication for baby that I asked him to pick up and then this afternoon he just showed up. No call. No text.
Tonight I sent him a nice text that said 'hey...i think its best that you call or text before coming by. I am sure you understand. Thanks'.
GOOD STUFF....
He flipped! Called me and asked what he did wrong now. I said nothing I just think its best we have some boundaries. He got angry and said this was about me being controlling and still wanting to control everything. I said no, it was about me having some privacy. I said nothing has to change other than you giving a simple call or text to see if we are home or busy.
Good stuff....
He didn't like that at all, proceeded to call me more names and tell me how unhappy he is etc. I said I am not being difficult, just want to be able to relax in my own home.
HANG UP the phone. Tell him to call if and when he can act like an adult, you won't be talked to this way, and HANG UP and who the heck cares if this brat gets mad? You won't have to care if you don't listen to it.
As for his non visiting hours and the texts, what was the point in him asking when he can see HIS daughter only to tell you he is NOT coming? How crazy is that? Too crazy and he's still making this your fault. There's no hope with this guy b/c he won't ever think it's HIM...OMG...not just nerve, but wacky nerve.
Curious, Why were you still available after he told you he wasn't coming and acted as if his ambiguous message was clear? Why not call him on missing yet another appointment or merely making a note of it? I mean, at some level does he even know this does NOT help him look good in anyone's eyes but his own?
Why must YOU be there when he visits? Can't he take a friend or trusted family member with him for his visits? Why is it YOUR responsibility to supervise him when the court ordered that his visits be supervised? I see you taking on way too much of this HIM stuff...if he had to arrange it, and had to "man up" to all the logistics of HIS self inflicted situation, the visits would probably happen WAY MORE and on time, OR NOT AT ALL and aren't both of those possibilities better than what you have now? You have more power than you think.
As for putting baby first, to a point that makes total sense. They are not able to care for themselves. But like the O2 tank on a plane that loses oxygen, if you don't put the mask on your face first, you won't be able to hold the baby's mask on her face at all. And you'll both die... And there's also value in HER seeing you as a strong, dignified woman who earns and demands respect and when it's not given, being a woman who moves along to those who CAN and DO give it. You also have other children to model those behaviors for....this is NOT being "selfish"...it's being healthy.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Curious, Why were you still available after he told you he wasn't coming and acted as if his ambiguous message was clear? Why not call him on missing yet another appointment or merely making a note of it? I mean, at some level does he even know this does NOT help him look good in anyone's eyes but his own?
Why must YOU be there when he visits? Can't he take a friend or trusted family member with him for his visits? Why is it YOUR responsibility to supervise him when the court ordered that his visits be supervised?
Thanks for response. I made sure of my last text because I wanted to make sure I was clear that 'no, exh...obviously I do NOT have plans like you assumed or manipulated." I thought about just leaving it at that, but he would just say I agreed.
The court put that the visits are supervised by me. I would actually rather have it that way and just have to suck up the rest. I know exh. I know the look he gets when he is drinking or taking pills...the look he gets that only I can see sometimes. No way in he** would I ever allow any member of his family of gypsies to supervise or even one of his friends. I just wouldn't trust what they would say or do.
The pattern is flowing. If history holds true and exh is just like his father and brother, who by exh's age was at the same stage he is now, than it will only go downhill from here. His father died at 42 of a drug overdose and his brother turned to worse and worse drugs and lost his family, job, everything (he is now sober though). The only reason exh still has a job and isn't living on the streets is because of his exfil that keeps enabling him.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Print out that last paragraph and read it every morning. Remember it when he decides its time to play happy family again.
And once you see him and know he isn't high, let a family member sit and babysit with him - go out, get as far away as you can from this guy....ugh.
Well hes fallen pretty much off the face of the planet! I ought to rock the boat more often if this is the result!!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
