It just boggles the mind how she could do this to the kids. My D4 is confused and D14 is beside herself. I'm doing my best to comfort her, but she's old enough to understand.
This hurts like hell, and I'm letting myself suffer for it. I want her back in the house with us where she belongs.
Look I mentioned this before and I say it again, when a WAW starts rationalizing her actions and leaves the kids behind and starts acting poorly and making poor decisions with regards to the well being of her children but focuses on her appearance and making sure she looks good (priorities are out of whack), this signals to me that there is another man. I know you've told me there isn't or that you don't know that there is but think about it. Shows up looking like little Miss Hottie to the airport, drops you off afterwards, her actions appear to be illogical and harmful when it comes to talking to the kids and caring for them, if she went to the airport dressed to kill but not for you, who for then? Do you really believe she got all dressed up like that just so that she could spend 5 minutes with you at the airport and then drop you off without spending anytime with you? Where did she have to go that she couldn't spend any quality time with her husband that just came back from a tour of duty where his life may possibly have been in danger?
Yes I know, there is no other man.... until you find out about him and then you'll be posting on here telling us how "it boggles the mind that could do this to you & the kids".
The warning signs are there, take it for what it is, maybe time for you to gather some intel.
Robx let me explain looking good. My W is a very attractive woman. She didn't dress or look any different than she ever has. I hadn't seen her for 6 months, so as you can imagine she looks extremely good to me right now.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
Well I'm finally home, and it's allot harder than i ever imagined. She picked me up at the airport looking absolutely gorgeous. My daughters were there, and my D4 sprinted for me. I grabbed her and held and kissed her forever.
It was wonderful to be with my daughters, but it was hard to watch my W leave. She went into the room with me, gave me a giant hug and told me it was really nice to see me, and then she left. I told her she looked really good, and she should have not looked so good to come pick me up.
It's so weird being in my house and not having her here. I keep waiting for he garage door to open,and for her to walk in. Everywhere I go in the house it saddens me because I know she's not her.
My D14 is really sad because I'm here and my W isn't. My D4 is confused because my W is gone now that I'm not here.
I'm not so sure I'm going to be able to do this. I know it's only the first day, but it's killing me to be in this house without her. I miss her more now that I've seen her and touched her.
How am I going to do this?
hard to tell when you post like this, you made it sound like it was on purpose, I'll still stick to my original assessment until I hear enough info to make me think differently.
You haven't abused her, you haven't treated her like $hit, and she's willing to leave you and the kids without even considering some heavy duty marriage counselling - what's motivating her to move so fast?
Well, W wants to pick up D4 from daycare today and come over for dinner. She's been calling and talking to me every day since I've been home. Of course it's about D14 and other things, but it's still communication.
Hopefully it won't be to awkward having her over to the house. It will be the first time we've all spent any time together since I've been home.
Would it be wrong of me to ask for sex (I think I'm kidding)? Remember I've been away for six months, and last time I checked I was still a man. How difficult things are at times let me tell you.
Robx. there's absolutely no chance of a PA, but there's no way I could rule out an EA. All indications point to no A at all, but I'm not stupid and my eyes and ears are open.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
Ok tbart, I didn't want to say anything to you earlier on with your posts. It's actually easier to detach when you are not physically in their presence. It comes as no surprise you are having a harder time now than you did when you were overseas.
But don't fret. It's all good. You can make it through all of this.
I'm a little confused on your arrangement with her. Is it she just moves out and you take full responsibility of the kids and she gets to pick and choose when she comes in and out of your lives?
You need to explain this as best as you can. There may be some boundaries you need to set concerning this.
Ask her if she wants a hug - not sure about this one. Remember, she's leaving you guys. I'm not so sure I would reward this behavior. I drew a line and told my W I'm not comfortable hugging a woman who's walking away from me and her family unit.
Ask her for sex? Are you a beggar? Do you need to just pick up the crumbs she may leave on the floor for you? Be careful the ground you are walking. Then tendency at this point is to not rock the boat. But rocking it is what you may need to do.
tbart, you aren't a puppy dog who hangs around the table hoping to get some scraps thrown your way. You need to show her a strong man, who has boundaries, who calls bullsh*t when you see it. Someone who doesn't have to wait for handouts. Someone who can handle a woman who doesn't want to be with him - because after all, who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them?
Compliments? Pursuing. Let them go. She needs to see you moving forward, not pining over her as if she is the last woman you can ever be with.
I know your mind and heart will pull you in the other direction. It's counter-intuitive what I'm telling you. You're letting her have the control. She's basically saying - if you continue to behave like this, I might trust you. I might want to work on us. But as long as you keep behaving the way I want you to behave. Guess what? That hoop you are jumping through will move. When you jump through one hoop, there will be another. Then another, and another, etc... trust me, I've been there.
Screw the hoops. Do what's right for you. Don't wait for crumbs or handouts. You're worth more than that. You're in placate mode. I can see it by what you write.
You'll see yourself walking on eggshells...measuring everything you say and do - wondering what effect it will have on her. It's thin ice.
There's a fine line you have to walk. Almost like a razor's edge. You'll only know it when you fall off.
She needs to see you moving forward - not necessarily moving on, but moving forward.
When you compliment her, there is a needy flavor that comes with it. When you are detached, it will be matter of fact - as if you're saying it to a co-worker. That's what you're shooting for.
She can't chase something that isn't moving away. DO NOT CHASE HER. No matter what things seem to be...DO NOT PURSUE. If she turns to you, you may have to push away a little. She will test you. Do not let her walk on you. If she loses respect (she has lost some already..no idea how much) for you, they leave.
If you won't respect yourself by drawing boundaries across inappropriate behavior then she won't respect you. Think about this deeply.
I am not a big fan of laying down and letting them do their thing and accepting everything without boundaries.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Robx. there's absolutely no chance of a PA, but there's no way I could rule out an EA. All indications point to no A at all, but I'm not stupid and my eyes and ears are open.
Don't say absolutely no chance. Even the busiest of people have time. They take lunch, that's enough time. Where is she staying now?
I still have no idea if my W had OM. I haven't seen any evidence at all, but I never rule it out. Behaviors point to it, but I haven't been able to find anything.
At this point in my sitch it doesn't matter. But the beginning of a sitch it does. Keep your eyes open. If you snoop, prepare for the worst, and DON'T GET CAUGHT. If you find something, come here first with it. Do not confront her till you get feedback here.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
tb you were away for 6 months or more, anything could have happened during this time, isn't your daughter 14 years old, isn't it possible your wife left your daughter home to watch your youngest while your wife went out to the store or somewhere else? People having an affair make time to have an affair.
Look you're right, there may be no affair whatsoever, but she sure is acting poorly and irrationally towards you while you've literally been away working in a war zone, pretty cruel behavior on her part, regardless if there is an affair going on or not.
I know your mind and heart will pull you in the other direction. It's counter-intuitive what I'm telling you. You're letting her have the control. She's basically saying - if you continue to behave like this, I might trust you. I might want to work on us. But as long as you keep behaving the way I want you to behave. Guess what? That hoop you are jumping through will move. When you jump through one hoop, there will be another. Then another, and another, etc... trust me, I've been there. Screw the hoops. Do what's right for you. Don't wait for crumbs or handouts. You're worth more than that. You're in placate mode. I can see it by what you write.
You'll see yourself walking on eggshells...measuring everything you say and do - wondering what effect it will have on her. It's thin ice.
There's a fine line you have to walk. Almost like a razor's edge. You'll only know it when you fall off.
She needs to see you moving forward - not necessarily moving on, but moving forward.
When you compliment her, there is a needy flavor that comes with it. When you are detached, it will be matter of fact - as if you're saying it to a co-worker. That's what you're shooting for.
She can't chase something that isn't moving away. DO NOT CHASE HER. No matter what things seem to be...DO NOT PURSUE. If she turns to you, you may have to push away a little. She will test you. Do not let her walk on you. If she loses respect (she has lost some already..no idea how much) for you, they leave.
If you won't respect yourself by drawing boundaries across inappropriate behavior then she won't respect you. Think about this deeply.
I am not a big fan of laying down and letting them do their thing and accepting everything without boundaries.
Read Steady's post over & over again, there's gold in that post, it's as good as anything I've read on these forums.
I hear everything you're saying. For the record these changes are for me, and I like the way I am now.
She's staying at her girlfriends house and she left 10 minutes after dropping me off. She claims she needs a break and is just worn out. She plans to stay away from home for two weeks. She calls everyday, and only comes over to see the girls after she asks me. I won't stop her from seeing them.
A far as the previous behavior that I said I displayed. Some of it I should have avoided, but the majority of it is completely opposite of what she was expecting.
Know it's killing her that I'm not the way she assumed I was going to be. My D14 described to me how my W said I was going to come home and act. I have yet to do or be any of it. This picture she painted in her mind of how I would be is now void.
I'm at the house alone taking care of my daughters, which is something that for some reason she didn't think I could do. I'm maintaining my composure and my control.
Does the WAW sort of pass a point of no return in there mind? The way she expected t be and act has already backfired. You can tell she wants to come home, but she can't or wont. She doesn't sleep and her stomach is a wreck. All things that she's causing to herself.
Everyone we know is confused at her actions, and angry as well. Do I call her out on walking out on her family? Where do I draw the line on what I can question or call her on? Others have asked her if she has someone else, do I ask?
Last edited by tbart01; 04/16/1012:01 PM.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
Do I ask her what she's doing, because I still don't know? We've touched on things, but we still haven't really talked. Do I ask where this thing is headed and what her plans are? I still have no idea what she THINKS the plans are. Apparently she knows when she's coming home, but does she plan on me leaving at that point? Do I ask all these things or what?
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
