My wife would cuddle and want to make love and it was great. The next morning, she would say, nothing has changed, I'm still not in love with you, I was just horny. We are married and married people do have sex.
When she pulled that, it just tore me up. I never ever thought that I would hear that out of my wife's mouth. She has given birth to our four wonderful children and this isn't something that woman would say or do.
I know you've heard it all before, but these people are not the ones that we married. Try to remember that. You're H is gone right now. Maybe not for good, but for now he is not the person that you remember.
Follow the advice you have been given: GAL, 180's, detach, patience, etc. It is hard. You will backslide from time to time. I can't fully detach yet either. When you/we do, their actions will not cause us any undue pain. You are resposible for you. Period.
It is harder with little ones. I get that 100%. I think the fear of what a S or D would do to them holds me back somewhat. Our spoused don't seem to care, though, and we can't make them see what they don't want to. The only thing that will is for them to experience that loss themselves.
It sucks, I know. All we can do is work on ourselves. Be the better person and make sure when the kids are old enough, they will know we did everything we could to make things work out.
He says things to get a rise out of me and oftentimes, succeeds. he just thinks that certain things are funny too and it's just cruel humor on his part.
I don't know who he is anymore or what happened to him.
I do know him though.. he has had family members and friends do him wrong in the past, yet I was ALWAYS the one who stuck by him no matter what. Now he has a relationship with these individuals and I see him making excuses for why the reason why his relationship with those people are mended is okay.. yet I'm being treated like an alien. I know he will come to a point where it'll hit him. I just don't know if I can wait that long.
I'm a young, good looking woman. I have a good head on my shoulders, look the same as I did when we first met, (if not better!) I work out and am toned and always take care of myself. It's like I'm hanging on an edge. part of me wants to tell him to eff off, the other part of me wants to hold on and never let go...I know what I NEED to do.. and that is detach and let him see what life would really be like without me.
he swears that he has already felt that and that he'll be fine.
he was overseas and living another life with OW.. but that's not the same. he doesn't get that. I didn't KNOW what he was doing. He still had me at home with the kids and he still had ME!
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
You're right. They know they still have us. Only when they finally realize we won't put up with this sh!t any longer will they maybe, maybe start to see the light.
It is scary because there is always the chance that maybe they won't see the light. I'm slowly coming to realize that my wife is already gone. The woman living in our home is not the woman that I married. I have grieved that loss so many times already. It will be different when and if she does leave, but the grieveing process has already started. I hope the worst of it is over.
You will be OK. You have to be! What is the other option? There is NO OTHER OPTION!!!
I sometimes think that he is too far gone.. especially when he cuts me with his words and is as cruel as he is. he shows ZERO remorse for his affair. I know I was cruel to him. I admit that. But then I'll see a glimmer of hope when the man I married is standing before me and he is acting like he always did.
What hurts me also is that he thinks we're just friends. You don't f*ck your friends. sorry to be so grimy..
Last edited by timehealsall; 04/15/1009:34 PM.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
You don't treat your friends that way. You don't treat a dog that way! Why should we stand to be treated that way? My answer is I'm scared. Not a good power stance which is what we need right now.
My W brought up D during our argument Mon nite when she got home after 1:00 in the morning and couldn't understand why I was upset. She said I didn't trust her and she had done nothing to make me not trust her. She said she considered this marriage over. Why can't we just be civil, get a divorce and remain friends. I told her if that's how she thought things would be if we got D, she had another thing coming. In their mind, they have already won. They think we will back down, give them what they want and be glad to be offered the olive branch of friendship. WRONG!!!! We will be co-parents, PERIOD.
Sorry, I'm saying this to myself as much as I am to you. We have to make up our mind how much we can put up with and is it worth it. If I knew my W would "see the light" for sure sometime in the future, I could hold on for a long, long time. If she sees no concequences to her actions, that's exactly how long I would be holding on. I'm worth more than that.
A book which I feel is becoming a must-read for the left-behind spouse is The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson.
There is a blog post that gives some examples of the techniques Anderson discusses for putting yourself and your life back together.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
It went great. The therapist thinks my H is out of his mind and that he is "out there"
when I came home, H asked me how it went. I told him it went well. He kept asking for details and I just said great. And then he asked what I told the therapist. I told him that I told her the truth and he was like you told her it was because we didn't have a sitter, right?!
He is CRAZY! Lol
wish we all lived near one another I'd love to do a happy hour. Need one so bad!
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
