I am so confused. I keep reminding myself not to pay attention to any comment H makes about R. H started to mention his lack of romantic feelings for me Sunday night and I didn't want to talk about R at all.
H had told me earlier in the day that I seemed much calmer lately, not very talkative. I asked if I seemed sad (I was worried I did), but he said no, that I seemed just calm. He actually asked if I was taking a new medication or something!
So, to change the subject I brought that up and told him that I should be honest with him about how I have found some peace and become calmer and quieter lately. I reminded him how I don't handle surprises and can't operate very well without a plan. So, I have been planning. Plans from A to Z for all sorts of scenarios. I have armed myself with all sorts of plans that ensure that the kids and I are thriving. I told him that he is not part of most of those back up plans, so I haven't been discussing them with him. I told him that he is not a safe friend for me to share things with right now. He started to cry. So, I then made sure I was clear that plan A is for this M to work out beautifully for all of us.
Then I may have made a big mistake. Please tell me what you think. I pushed further and let him know that some of my options include a move to be closer to my family (several states away). Believe it or not, I have a job that is in high demand and available all over the country. I am walking taller after reassuring myself with the facts. I am independent in nature and will be ok. He became so distraught that he had a panic attack. I almost called 911 because he was having trouble breathing, could not walk and was trembling horribly.
I told him that I haven't made any decisions, but I am at peace because I have options. I assured him that I don't make rash decisions (he knows this) and that whatever path I take, he will not be surprised. This calmed him down a bit. I then asked what he thought a D would look like down the road. He said he envisioned how we would always live in the same town and if one of us wanted to apply for a job somewhere else we would consult together and always decide together where to live. For the sake of the kids, he thought if one moved, the other would too. WHAT??? Yeah, this is how all the divorced people work it out! They follow each other around their whole life and ALWAYS agree on what is best for the children! DUH!!
He still says I am still his best friend and he doesn't want to lose that. Well, most people destroy their BFF!
It's like every time he opens his mouth I am in my head just saying "crazy talk, crazy talk" trying not to buy in to whatever he is selling. This is so annoying!
Our interactions since then have been upbeat and way off topic. We're chatting happy and covering the logistics of running this household. I just don't know what damage I have done.
Waiting for H to get home. He had his weekly IC session today. Why do I get so anxious about his sessions? I am a wreck every Thursday. He doesn't tell me much about them, but I can tell they are helping him with some coping skills. I think I should be relieved on Thursdays, but instead I am tense and irritable.
I want him to want to be here. I want him to fight for our M and really love me.
I know you are right, I am so anxious for a sudden and wonderful change. Or, I am so terrified of a sudden and awful change....
He's coping with (what his Ic has helped him define) guilt (over putting me through all of this) and depression (lack of interest in much of anything). I am seeing the results in that he is coming home earlier/working from home more, before he would avoid coming home as long as possible. He is calling me more. He is less irritable in general. He is able to focus more on his work when he is working. He has also learned to look at his situations from a different angle. Thinking about what advice he would give someone in his shoes.
I haven't learned how to do the quotes in the boxes yet. So I get what you are doing and I really appreciate it.
Reeling, sorry you are in this sitch in your M. I can relate to a lot of elements of your sitch -- if you look at the first post in the link in my sig you'll see the summary of it.
There are good things in your sitch. One is that you're still living together. IMO this is an opportunity to really work on your 180s and he will have the chance to enjoy them while he lives with you. You are getting good feedback from him about your changes -- even him seeming confused/rattled by them is good. It's also good that he seems confused about the M in general. You're communicating clearly and taking a strong position and not just playing a passive role. I see that as positive.
The negative side is that an A is possible and even likely. It's shocking how often other people are involved when the WAS is behaving like your H. And if there is an A involved, you can do a lot of 180s that your H will be totally immune to as long as he's in the throes of the A.
I think that most people would gain new insights about communicating with their spouse after reading that book.
I wish you luck. I know how heartbreaking it is when children are involved.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
"I want him to want to be here. I want him to fight for our M and really love me."
I want you to help me understand where you are coming from.
To me and what I have read about you.. you seem a bit overbearing. You strike me as a REALLY "strong" woman. You like the control to favor you. The thing I like about you.. is in your own way.. you found DB.com. Basically in doing that whether you know it or not.. you just said to me "I screwed up and now I want to fix it."
"I know you are right, I am so anxious for a sudden and wonderful change. Or, I am so terrified of a sudden and awful change...."
This is your "Emotional" response... to the situation. "Emotional" response's are usually not good. They hurt you more than they help you. My goal is not to be right. My goal is to make you react right.
(When I am talking and "" words it means take the broad meaning.)
"He's coping with (what his Ic has helped him define) guilt (over putting me through all of this) and depression (lack of interest in much of anything)."
Why would someone express an interest in anything... when what they thought was important was gone? From the surface view of what I "see" his IC is not really helping much. Now I am trusting your intuition a bit here... but I question the benefit some.
"Thinking about what advice he would give someone in his shoes."
This concerns me some. Simply because you are "here" and he is there. I can see this going really bad.
This is what I REALLY want you to do.
I want you to sit down at the keyboard and type out what you really feel. Imagine that I am him... and I just told you that I Love You.. But.. I am not In Love With You.
Basically what I am asking you to do is to give me a reason to keep posting to you.
I know it's there.. I just want you to show it to me.
Right now.. the only reason you are posting is you want a change in your M. Maybe I can help with that.
Don't let my post count fool you. I am very picky about who I post to. Most of that has to do with a lot of people just don't like me.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Thank you for your post. I did go back and read your first post and it was startling how similar this looks. I am sorry you are going through all of this too.
I understand that an A is a possibility. I am trying to look out for it. I don't know what else to do about that.
I will read the book you are recommending. Reading gives me great comfort in that I am doing something! I hate feeling helpless.
I do like to be in control, but it is now in my face that I have lost control. I am working to get it back, but in a new way. This site has shown me how very in control I can be of ME and how I cannot be in control of H. I have been overbearing, its easy to see in hindsight. In the moment it just feels like I am taking care of what needs to be done when H has withdrawn.
I have no problem admitting I have screwed up. Yes, I do desperately want to fix what is mine to fix.
I do accept your challenge and will post my feelings about hearing those dreaded words. I am low on time right now. I'll be back.
I sure won't write down what I did say the night I heard ILYBNILWY! DB textbook of what NOT to do and I vomited all night long and the following day. H actually said later he thought it wasn't worth killing me and he'd just say forget it and stay in the M and miserable forever. Ahhhhh, the language of love:-/
Funny thing is that if he had said that to me then, I would've taken it! It would have been enough for him to just agree to stay. Now, 2 months later, I see that he and I (and our boys) deserve much more than a contrived coexistence. I really was reeling (even with my faking it smile).
There's some much more that I could say today if I were granted a do over.
I love, and am in love, with my H.
I am willing to do whatever it takes to save my M, not just prolong it.
Communication has always been our problem. H doesn't share much, I share just about every thought. For the first time in our R we are both working to improve ourselves to be more of what the other needs in this area, to meet in the middle. We are both reading, praying and seeing C about this issue. We are already seeing some small signs of improvement.
We need to not just stay M for the kids, our kids deserve a shot at having M parents who are in a healthy and loving R together. I want them to see it, live it and strive for it for themselves.
So, I guess my main point right now is that there is so much work that we can do! It would be a waste if we didn't try.
Here's where my fantasy "do over" breaks down. It keeps ending in my mind with me begging him to really, really TRY.
So, I certainly don't see myself in any kind of convo about all of this any time soon.
He has really noticed the DBing, even though he doesn't know it's DBing.
