My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[Vulcanized]

I just really think the more I go dark then my b thinks I don't care so why shouldn't he file for d?

Going dark is for your sanity. Your H can't see where you're at: figuratively, literally, metaphorically. This helps you heal yourself. It isn't to punish/teach H a lesson, anything of that ilk.

I'm going thru same thing w/my H. He still hasn't filed. Or done anything other than get more firmly enmeshed in his A. Dark for me has been a Godsend. I'm taking care of me and not obsessing over H/OW/A.

Make sense?

[nicole8]

THanks ruined.... You made slot of sense. I need to just work on myself.

Question though my h usually does a check in with me via text. He'll want to know what I've been doing and with who. How should I answer this?

It does actually feel good to remove myself from his high school drama and be the better person.

[TrentC]

Question though my h usually does a check in with me via text. He'll want to know what I've been doing and with who. How should I answer this?

Why does he check in with you?

If it's just for small talk, don't respond right away. If he asks, just tell him that you were busy.

If he doesn't want to be married to you, he doesn't get the instant status updates any more...

[TrentC]

By the way, I love this...

Question though my h usually does a check in with me via text. He'll want to know what I've been doing and with who. How should I answer this?

The fact that he is still this emotionally attached to you is why I am convinced that his EA will blow up in his face, and sooner rather than later.

And I wouldn't put it to him the way I put it to you; just don't respond to his texts. If he panics and calls, just tell him you were busy.

As you start pulling away from him and growing more into your own person -- and believe me, if he is texting you to check up on you, he will notice your changes! -- I think you'll be surprised by the change in his attitude towards you.

If anything, I'd pop me some popcorn and watch the fireworks start...

[Vulcanized]

Question though my h usually does a check in with me via text. He'll want to know what I've been doing and with who. How should I answer this?

It does actually feel good to remove myself from his high school drama and be the better person.

I wouldn't answer with anything more specific than 'living my life/working/hobby, etc' or something to that effect. The few times that my H wanted to know what/with whom I was doing I just told him 'none of your business'. He couldn't fight that, having thrown that line in my face numerous times.

When H withdrew from M [and I mean H in general, yours, mine, hers] he gave up any right to accountability. Is H telling you about his time w/OW? That's my point. H unilaterally decided on new rules in the M; he's got to live by them as well.

I think at this point if my H actually tried to check up on me, I wouldn't even respond. But for me, I'm at the point of total withdraw. Unless it can't be avoided, I want NC w/H for a bit.

[nicole8]

He'll text something to the effect of "I don't know what to do". When I ask about what he'll say "us". I will always take the bait and tell him I don't believe in divorce, and so on. I call this his way of checking I'm still in the game and available to reconcile. He does seem very nervous when I pull away... I need to work undoing it for longer periods.

He also gets antsy when I don't respond quickly...it is almost like texting terrorism. Hahaha. The other night he sent three texts in about thirty minutes and the last one was "are you alright"? So yes, he does still seem to care in some weird dilusional way.

[mrbt]

He does seem very nervous when I pull away... I need to work undoing it for longer periods. . . He also gets antsy when I don't respond quickly...

I agree. I think pulling away more would be a good idea. I get the same "are you okay" messages from my wife. I managed to ignore her just one time and when I finally returned her call she was hysterical and in tears. Unfortunately, I never pulled away in a big way - our divorce will be final on Tuesday.

[nicole8]

Yep, my urge to "bug" the ow has come back. The last time I tried to call her she got so annoyed that I think she backed off and that is why my h came back. He came back and I blew it and didn't fully get him to commit by removing her from his life completely. I could just kick myself.

So what would happen if I "bugged" her again and she backed off my h and he panicked some and I wasn't as available?

I am crazy, I admit it.

[awest1217]

Going dark and everything really is about you. You can't think of it as a way to change H or a way to get back at him. It is just you taking time for you so if you don't respond to him that is ok because he will get over it with time. My H for a while would text and I would always text him back because I feel it is rude to not answer someone (I hate when he does it to me), but then I decided to only answer if he asked a question. He soon learned if he wanted a reply to ask a question.

About his normal text, "I don't know what to do". Think of some ways to respond that would be different and use them every time. Things that don't put everything back on you. Say something like "I am sorry, but I have complete confidence you will figure it out". This puts everything back on H. He is the one who left and he has to be the one to choose to come home. Also this also shows him that you want to be his partner and not his mom. He is a big boy and can handle his own decisions. You have to have something ready so that you can not fall for the bait.

Have a good weekend!

[nicole8]

ohh, when my h sends his text about "I don't know what to do" and he is talking about "us"....he told me earlier last week that it wasn't just his decision. Really? WTF?