Moving on with my life #2

[25yearsmlc]

S2,
Get a helmet on honey b/c here comes a big 2 x 4...
First, who knows if he was always this way and you hungrily lapped up the attention of a younger man or a guy who was nice to the kids or he's now an alcoholic or was before but it was latent, or a genetic mutation just flared up or he has a brain tumor but was cute??, etc.. How does it truly matter? What diff does it make? At some level he's continually repeatedly making terrible choices. That is ALL that matters. I think you believe the label attached will mean he may come back but he's bad news anyhow.

Second, The level and number of change(s) that this man would need to make, to be a good loving healthy partner for you and the child you have...um, is it realistic to believe it's even remotely possible? I am all for hope and forgiveness, but the one thing I strongly feel in your case especially...is if there is ANY chance of a recon, it would be by detaching from this toxic man, and if there is NO chance of a recon, you'd be better off that much sooner, by detaching.....so yeah, to me, this is pretty dang simple. DETACH...

Third, as I said before, the times' your former h is not with the baby, are Godsends...don't analyze or choose to feel hurt yet again by this, instead say "Thank God!" and be done. And go ahead and keep a record of it -so your unrealistic (BUT understandable) fears of him getting baby full time, are that much LESS likely ever to come true...maybe you'll feel empowered by recording all the times he doesn't show up rather than hurt yet again.

If you take some control of your life back, you will feel empowered. Don't wait around endlessly for him to keep on NOT showing up. Just inform him by text or in writing in some form, that you will remain there for 15 min or whatever reasonable time frame exists and then you have to go. Why do YOU have to be there when he has baby time? B/C it's supervised? That's crazy. Why do YOU have to be sentenced to no free time b/c HE is being punished?

Have a 3rd person you trust (or that the state hires) there at those times, even if it's your mom or d18 so you don't have to keep on making yourself available to him. You can involve the state or county. Tell them it's NOT safe or healthy for you two to be around each other, OR since the court gave him some limited visitation but mandated it be supervised- (which you agree with by the way) but ask for their help. Why do YOU get screwed by their punishing/monitoring HIM? They want baby to be safe, great. But what if you were working full time? Oh, wouldn't HE have to make some arrangements!!
Gee, what would that be like?
I mean, I suspect he'll either never show up at all--NOT A BAD THING all in all b/c a lousy dad is worse than no dad and I know this from experience, OR he'll always show up (NOT likely but NOT bad either) but either way, you'll get to live your life. (OMG WHAT WOULD THAT BE LIKE???) The way you are doing this, you are creating an excuse to be stuck and victimized by him even longer. There's something..."self inflicted" about this that I don't get.

And why oh why do you read his comments on FB? I am married and consider my m to be relatively healthy these days. I have no idea who my h's fb "friends" are or what his comments to them are. The only thing I ever cared about was that we both declared ourselves "married" and that's it. I don't read his stuff and he doesn't read mine (that I know of. Maybe he has a few times but God knows I am SO not interested in what his work buddies or old friends are saying about the world or politics or their high school days. It's just NOT part of my world. It's his world and if something important comes up, we tell each other. I share funny stories or news I learn on fb just as I do from our mail, but frankly, it would bother me if my h read the comments my gf's send to me privately or read my mail. They talk about their problems and they are not any of my h's business, just as my comments to my gf's about my m, or my private dreams of the future, do NOT ALL have to be shared with my h.

Sometimes our friends are there for us in a way that our spouses cannot be. My h lost his mother a few weeks ago and I've tried hard to be there for him. But there are choices he and his brother made that I strongly disagreed with regarding her estate and funeral, But I get that IT"S NOT MY BUSINESS or within my "sandbox" so I kept those thoughts to myself and shared them only with one sister of mine. See, not every single thought we have, needs to be disclosed. I just needed to vent, but knew that my h did not need to hear it. Make sense?

Leave some or all of this alone. Besides, Your EX h is your EX...not your partner in anything (& barely is a father to your d).
And now you "unfriended" this woman?? (which she'll figure out eventually so you can add some more drama to all this silliness) all b/c your FORMER husband commented on a photo of hers or friended her and unfriended her and friended her again?? I mean, who has time for this? He can date who he wants to date and say what he wants....he is not your h. It is NOT a reflection on you, but on him... Gov Sanford's EX wife said that her h's A with the woman from ARgentina was not humiliating to her b/c it was not a reflection on HER but on HIM...I loved that comment. She was hurt for their children, but not b/c of HER self esteem taking a hit. So, Please be kinder to yourself.

STOP THIS...he's not your h anymore. You are not being healthy to keep staring at this stuff and letting it get to you so much. Why do you torture yourself with the FB stuff? I think you might want to ask yourself why you still read your divorced husband's comments to or about others...
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You need to go back to GAL, perhaps get a job, anything so you can stop focussing SO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY ON WHAT HE IS DOING OR NOT DOING....seriously, look at your posts here. Look at your life. Most of what you write is either how baby is doing or, more likely, what your FORMER h is doing ...

you need to be the main character in the "book" of your life. Start now. Take charge of your life & happiness, b/c NO ONE ELSE WILL...ever....
Please, I know you have it in you.
j-