I'd like to see you to make a list of very specific actions you can take when you start to become defensive to ideas and opinions you do not like.
When you become so defensive you really miss out on all the wonderful support and advice you are being given.
Many of us here have been legally separated or divorced for some time and keep little contact with our ex spouses. Do you think we stick around because we got our rocks off watching people walk through emotional hell? You are reeling. Most people are when their M falls apart. We want you to not reel.
So how about we start over and give this thing another try?
I'd like to see you to make a list of very specific actions you can take when you start to become defensive to ideas and opinions you do not like.
When you become so defensive you really miss out on all the wonderful support and advice you are being given.
Many of us here have been legally separated or divorced for some time and keep little contact with our ex spouses. Do you think we stick around because we got our rocks off watching people walk through emotional hell? You are reeling. Most people are when their M falls apart. We want you to not reel.
So how about we start over and give this thing another try?
well this is what I have done with my family and WAW when I start getting defensive
1) smoke (lol) 2) sit outside and think 3) end conversation so I can think 4) think some more 5) try not to get upset 6) is this some advice that can help
I thought I could make it better. I thought if I showed her love and listened to the things she asked it would be different.
How could she ML to me like that and then act like it never even happened. She made it seem so passionate. So genuine. So loving. She said she loved and missed me and then stops talking? I mean i've been quiet for a day but dang.
I'm just sitting up here wondering what I did wrong. All she said was how unromantic I had become. How I didn't listen to her. Make her feel special. Well I thought we just had 3 very good romantic dates and a romantic evening together full of passion.
So what did I do wrong?
that's the thing i don't want a divorce! i don't want a family breakup. *sighs*
Last edited by james217; 04/16/1012:16 AM.
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
As long as your scared you won't be able to effectivly address your situation.
I know that for a while I was totally scared to even email my wife because I was so nervous about how she would reply.
I would seriously debate for days on whether or not I should even say "hi" to her.
Once I let that go, and it took some time, but once I did I was able to talk to her with confidence again and not really worry about her reactions.
As you know, I asked her if she wanted to go to the zoo with me one day.
In the past, I would be FREAKING waiting for her to reply... But this time, it was just kind of a "hey, would you like to do this? If not, it's cool" and I truly wouldn't have minded if she said no, because lets face it, the zoo is FUN, and it would be her loss to not go!
Know what I mean?
As long as you're that scared, you won't react to situations properly.
As long as your scared you won't be able to effectivly address your situation.
I know that for a while I was totally scared to even email my wife because I was so nervous about how she would reply.
I would seriously debate for days on whether or not I should even say "hi" to her.
Once I let that go, and it took some time, but once I did I was able to talk to her with confidence again and not really worry about her reactions.
As you know, I asked her if she wanted to go to the zoo with me one day.
In the past, I would be FREAKING waiting for her to reply... But this time, it was just kind of a "hey, would you like to do this? If not, it's cool" and I truly wouldn't have minded if she said no, because lets face it, the zoo is FUN, and it would be her loss to not go!
Know what I mean?
As long as you're that scared, you won't react to situations properly.
when we're in person I'm fine for the most part. we're usually laughing joking, hugging, kissing, and just having alot of fun. on the phone I get nervous. when we text I get nervous. Hence the reason for darkness I guess. Our 3 dates were very very good and now she's just like eerily quiet.
I mean she's the one who initiated the ML i let her bring that to me. It was repeated numerous times and then she goes to court with me then we go to lunch then she disappears?
a few texts no calls just pretty much silence. I would have expected the opposite? I would have expected her to pursue? especially now that i'm not talking to her?
what do I know man. *sighs*
Last edited by james217; 04/16/1012:32 AM.
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
Stay quiet. You are afraid. That a huge part of the problem.
yes i am. i'm terrified. i don't want to lose my family. I don't want to lose my wife.
I know. We all know.
But your fear is your biggest enemy. We can see it. She can see it. And it isn't going to attract her back, I think that is almost guaranteed.
You can't control the outcome. You can't control her. But you can control you. What I think is important for you to do now is to really take your focus to the things you can control. As you do, you might well see that the "bad" outcomes are not always as awful as they feel. You can get the confidence that you really are capable individual, all on your own. (By the way, a healthy marriage is made up of two individuals, not a fused blob that's lost its identity.) Get your confidence back. Then it will be time to consider her.
And I'm talking weeks here, not days.
There was a poster here, she's in piecing now. Her long term BF left her, took up with an OW. At first, she hung on every word, every interaction. And it was killing her. Finally, she was able to actually cut off her dependence on contact with him. She took care of herself. She detached. Eventually, he started contacting her. Little by little, he inched his way back. The whole thing took more than two years. They are getting married this summer. So NC can work. Even when there's an affair. Heck, in her case there wasn't even a marriage to save.
I'm not saying it will happen for you. Just that I think it's your best chance.
Stay quiet. You are afraid. That a huge part of the problem.
yes i am. i'm terrified. i don't want to lose my family. I don't want to lose my wife.
I know. We all know.
But your fear is your biggest enemy. We can see it. She can see it. And it isn't going to attract her back, I think that is almost guaranteed.
You can't control the outcome. You can't control her. But you can control you. What I think is important for you to do now is to really take your focus to the things you can control. As you do, you might well see that the "bad" outcomes are not always as awful as they feel. You can get the confidence that you really are capable individual, all on your own. (By the way, a healthy marriage is made up of two individuals, not a fused blob that's lost its identity.) Get your confidence back. Then it will be time to consider her.
And I'm talking weeks here, not days.
There was a poster here, she's in piecing now. Her long term BF left her, took up with an OW. At first, she hung on every word, every interaction. And it was killing her. Finally, she was able to actually cut off her dependence on contact with him. She took care of herself. She detached. Eventually, he started contacting her. Little by little, he inched his way back. The whole thing took more than two years. They are getting married this summer. So NC can work. Even when there's an affair. Heck, in her case there wasn't even a marriage to save.
I'm not saying it will happen for you. Just that I think it's your best chance.
well we'll see. I often wonder if I've made too many mistakes. if she even cares anymore. This weekend seemed soooooooooooooo genuine man. Now nothing?
I guess she can turn it on and off like that. I don't know anymore.
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
Once they screw you its not yours. you really have to come up strong for them to want to make it yours. That usually means you are or can pull other females and you pull off that deep jealousy.
As long as they know the put violence on you, or bullchit, or played a couple dozen games, and thats what they wanted to do, their not going to care.
You would be a boytoy, not that I say that you are. You are a husband, but to their single mindset, which is in the exact moment in time, they don't care.
After a while you shouldn't either.
It may be some of the WAS get into a "hoe" mindset, and a "hoe" is only concerned about itself.
