Stay quiet. You are afraid. That a huge part of the problem.
yes i am. i'm terrified. i don't want to lose my family. I don't want to lose my wife.
I know. We all know.
But your fear is your biggest enemy. We can see it. She can see it. And it isn't going to attract her back, I think that is almost guaranteed.
You can't control the outcome. You can't control her. But you can control you. What I think is important for you to do now is to really take your focus to the things you can control. As you do, you might well see that the "bad" outcomes are not always as awful as they feel. You can get the confidence that you really are capable individual, all on your own. (By the way, a healthy marriage is made up of two individuals, not a fused blob that's lost its identity.) Get your confidence back. Then it will be time to consider her.
And I'm talking weeks here, not days.
There was a poster here, she's in piecing now. Her long term BF left her, took up with an OW. At first, she hung on every word, every interaction. And it was killing her. Finally, she was able to actually cut off her dependence on contact with him. She took care of herself. She detached. Eventually, he started contacting her. Little by little, he inched his way back. The whole thing took more than two years. They are getting married this summer. So NC can work. Even when there's an affair. Heck, in her case there wasn't even a marriage to save.
I'm not saying it will happen for you. Just that I think it's your best chance.
