Hey H4L, you are doing good over there on your thread--good for you!
I'm so glad you got to check out that link--I have found that site SO helpeful with the scripts, and explaining why they do what they do.
My H may not be a total narcissist, but he does have anger issues and always has. From that site I get that he hasn't fully differentiated himself--I think of it like a big 2 year old that still likes to have tantrums. It makes him feel powerful. It's actually addictive! And if you don't learn to defend yourself, you are bullied, just like kids at school pick on weaker kids. No different--they see us as weak (which, in a lot of ways I HAVE been a big WEENIE!lol) I am working on the "healthy things" that give me lots of PMA and make me have confidence--they are less likely to pick on you that way!
It's hard work H4L, but OMGoodness, it is SO worth it. I am completely devoted to making myself better and better--it makes you giggle inside to do things that they don't expect! And best of all, you will BE the person you always wanted. I am seeing that the only thing holding me back is ME all this time--it actually wasn't my H at all. (I GAVE himm so much power--power over ME! and what I want to be!)
The denial and all the other stuff--shear nonsense. I know, it throws us COMPLETELY that they can say what they do. All marriages have a bit of that where the one remembers some facts, and the other remembers other things. But mine--just a TON of nutso stuff when he is angry.
That is the key to me--it's when he is angry. It is not what he says when he isn't angry. So he is like a kid that grabs whatever is closest to throw at you and hope to get a rise from you. From that site I understand that they look to you to "help" them get out their anger.
If you don't engage, you may see the other thing that comes out--sulking. Has your H ever gone on a major sulk? Mine, since my using scripts and walking out, has been having sulks. Sheesh, they are sometimes even MORE annoying!!
You will see over and over that yes--they love to make you the "crazy" thing (well, how else can they justify what they do??" You are forced, for your own sanity and for your son, to "grow up" in ways you never thought possible. It's hard. You thought you were done growing a while back, huh. NOPE! It's a new kind of growth now--the really, really important stuff. Integrity, character, wisdom, unconditional love.
Look at your son and see that your H was once like that--adorable, innocent, sweet. Treat him like you would treat your S. This is irrisistible to anyone and everyone. No expectations, no preconceived notions--just love him and treat him right. This site also teaches you about "modeling". If he is unreasonable, YOU model reasonableness. If he is not empathetic, YOU model it. Sorry that you have to do it--but...you will be the better for it in the end.
You have a lot of life over there--my angry H was scary quiet 6 years ago when he was truly, truly ending it. When he got back into "thinking about working it out" with me, the anger began. That is why I am not freaked out right now AT ALL. Angry means he's working things out. Quiet is very, very scary.....
