The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

Up and down thoughts. While I was home with the girls I was thinking about STBXW partying with her biker bar-backwoods gang and how much that hurt.

I know lots of people on these boards have gone through much worse.

I thought about how when I had hernia surgery in October STBXW didn't even ask what my surgery was for or check to see if I was recovering well.

I thought about how she offered me extra nights with the kids basically so she could go out partying.

And I wondered why I'm getting so emotional over 60 minutes of positive interaction. At the final mediation and settlement conference I need to keep my mouth shut, let her do most of the talking and take the best deal possible.

But then I was looking for a guy I need to schedule a photo of and his number is unlisted. I was driving down one of those streets that only the real down-and-out live on.

I was thinking to myself, there's no way I'll end up on one of these and then I started thinking about the girls. I doubt STBXW is going to be able to keep the house, which means upheaval.

When they were born we started putting money into custodial accounts and college accounts. We stopped funding the custodial accounts and the college accounts are probably going to get cut as well for a while.

That means community college instead of a four-year school.

STBXW isn't sacrificing her future. She grew up with next to nothing. She's apparently comfortable with that. I wanted better for our girls and I thought she did too.

Her comment, "we're both going to be poor for the rest of her lives" is really starting to upset me.

I'm not going to be poor for the rest of mine. I will claw my way back up and I will put money aside for summer camps, trips, braces. I will find a way. I will watch my girls pick up that college degree.