Doesn't matter if your weak or not, sometimes WAW is just attracted to anything thats not you
If you were talking to "me", then you are preaching to the choir! I disagree with that first part, b/c it "does" matter if the LBH is strong or weak. If she sees him as a weak sister, then she will eat him alive....knowing that she can get away with it. He'll do nothing. The more passive he is, the more she is going to disrespect him. The more she disrespects him, the less attracted she will be. That is the only way I could agree with the last part of what you said. She is attracted to anything that's not him. She is so turned off by him that she usually finds a man who is entirely opposite from him.
I think it is good for you two LBH's to show support each other,but both of you are playing in this pity party too long. Time to shut it down and do something else.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
WAS usually cheat with whats the opposite of the spouse. Most of the people you guys are going to cheat with are going to tend to be singular or of the singular mind state. Its an entirely different thing from whats supposed to be a steady and reliable married.
What many of us learned is it doesn't matter how aggressive we are, they will drink that out of us and give it to the OP.
Because when you don't care, it doesn't matter if its the president telling you not to do it, your not going to care.
I'm personally in a "disrespect" position, where my option is to let her go, there is no stronger or bettter backbone or laying down rules, she doesn't care.
I'm going to attempt councelling. It had nothing to do with my strength, because in her old viewpoint, I HAD IT. In her new viewpoint, she's not going to listen to what I say. So of course it looks worse over time.
My final plans in the marriage are: Attend a Retrauville weekend and sessions, do long term Marriage Councelling.
If she can do what they ask her to do, then I'll stay married. If she goes but does not want to participate, then I have to divorce.
After divorce I will date, but hoping that I catch a long time straggler thats either doesn't like games, or tired of them. A loving person who is looking for someone to back her up full time, and has a history of doing good by people.
From now on if who I run into has a history of burning folks, then I'll one night stand them, maybe two night, but I can't go more that that, because someone like that will mess your entire life up.
Sandie2 - I am not playing pity on myself. The sitch is what it is. I have to move forward. I know who I am, and what I have done. None of it has been weakness. I have been frustrated, but I have never given up trying. That shows my character even if she does not see it.
DaddyLongShanks - I know what you mean in your response to Sandie2. I see the differing points-of-view, and I respect both. There is probably truth in what you both have written. I see my wife as showing weakness and neediness to have an affair other than trying to help change the sitch. We made decisions together as a partnership even though there have been some role reversals. We both have to live with the decisions we made together.
Just writing here - I do not find our marriage to be a partnership at the moment, so I am making decisions as a human being that will be best for me and the kids regardless of sex or expected roles that society suggest are the norm. I am a man and that has never changed and never will. I am proud of who I am and what I have done for my family even though she may not be. I cannot change that. To her it is about money plain and simple. It always has been. She said,"I think I have never loved you," and that may be true. I have put her career before mine since she had been working longer, and I respected that to the detriment of myself. I will not do that again. I thought I was being a man and good person to respect her for providing for the family, but she disrespects me for that. Well too bad. Anyways, I have done what I thought was right, and I will not give up my values who does not value me. She has to take responsibility for our sitch too. I should not be held to hirer standard than her when we made decisions together.
I hope what I have written makes sense. I mean no disrespect to anyone. I just hope for showing a little clarity in my sitch for those that read it.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Sandie2 - I am not playing pity on myself. The sitch is what it is. I have to move forward. I know who I am, and what I have done. None of it has been weakness. I have been frustrated, but I have never given up trying. That shows my character even if she does not see it.
DaddyLongShanks - I know what you mean in your response to Sandie2. I see the differing points-of-view, and I respect both. There is probably truth in what you both have written. I see my wife as showing weakness and neediness to have an affair other than trying to help change the sitch. We made decisions together as a partnership even though there have been some role reversals. We both have to live with the decisions we made together.
Just writing here - I do not find our marriage to be a partnership at the moment, so I am making decisions as a human being that will be best for me and the kids regardless of sex or expected roles that society suggest are the norm. I am a man and that has never changed and never will. I am proud of who I am and what I have done for my family even though she may not be. I cannot change that. To her it is about money plain and simple. It always has been. She said,"I think I have never loved you," and that may be true. I have put her career before mine since she had been working longer, and I respected that to the detriment of myself. I will not do that again. I thought I was being a man and good person to respect her for providing for the family, but she disrespects me for that. Well too bad. Anyways, I have done what I thought was right, and I will not give up my values who does not value me. She has to take responsibility for our sitch too. I should not be held to hirer standard than her when we made decisions together.
I hope what I have written makes sense. I mean no disrespect to anyone. I just hope for showing a little clarity in my sitch for those that read it.
LSG,
Sounds good. Can't blame yourself for how she thinks. You'll be alright and there are plenty of ladies out there who are willing to have you as an integral part of their life, for the rest of the life. And believe me, you won't be cheated out of anything.
I really appreciate your kinds words. I am trying to head the advice of everyone that is being so kind to respond to my sitch. I think I have not presented myself very well her and have solicited some of the responses that show me lacking in certain areas. I have been to some extent that way from what WAW's affair. It hurt me really bad, and I sure did make a lot of mistakes, and I came off bad. That is not who I am trying to be today, at this moment.
When we were in MC, our counselor told her that she was wrong for doing this to me and he respected the strength and honor I had shown when I exposed the affair in counseling. She was apologetic for getting caught but that did not last long. He told me that there are plenty of woman that would like what I have to offer. He still apologizes that he could not do more to help us. She was suppose to stop all contact with the OM and signed a contract to have counseling to do this. She lied to all of there. We had a man and a woman counselor together to avoid any issue of bias that I felt with our first counselor where she just said it is okay because that is how she feels. I hired a counselor with some money I save to take a trip together.
Anyways, she has not once shown remorse since that day. She asked if the counselor dropped us. She said that was very unprofessional. I told that she signed a contract and he had every right to drop us because she did not make the comittment to him and lied to all of us. I asked her, "what did you expect?" She blames everyone else and has this I am better than everyone else. Anyways, I am going on and on today.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Wife just called to thank my son for walking her to the garage. She came home early last night too. She has been acting differently lately too. She was checking the car documents this morning too.
Any thoughts. I think she is preparing for divorce!
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
I am having a good time with the kids while they paint my 4 year olds helmet because he saw a kid with a white helmet, and he thinks it is cool. Normally I probably would not let him, afterall, it is just a helmet. I am working on not worrying so much about the little or material things. I am just trying to have fun with kids.
It is so great!!! I find the closer it is time for my wife comes, the less relaxed I am because it is no fun with her. The kids are easier to take care of when it is just the 3 of us.
I enjoy this time alone to think and have some moments to me.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
LSG, Thank you for following my sitch. Have you exposed to OMW yet? I was to chicken to do it myself, it is very scary. I ended up not having to do it because someone else sent a letter instead. I do believe that the other spouse has a right to know, so do try to expose. Do you have any evidence, that would help when you do tell OMW.
I'll be thinking of you and your sitch and hoping for the best for you. Hugs
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I have not exposed to affair to the OMW because she has not been there when I have called. I will try this weekend. I hope to find a good time when the OM is not there to do this. I am kind of worried about this phone call because I do not know how she will react to this kind of news. I hate to be the one to tell her that her H and my W are having an affair.
I do have proof of the A, but it is not in the form of pictures. I have phone records and some e-mails that were left open. I also have other information that proves the affair. I will be able to tell her about it. I hope she believes me and that I have enough to confirm it for her.
Thank you for your kind words, and I will be checking how you are doing in your sitch daily. I will even chime in from time to time if that is okay.
I thank you so much for helping me with my sitch when I had no clue what to do at the time. You helped me even if you did not know it at the time just reading your sitch. You are inspiring to me!!!
Again, thanks alot!!!!!!
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
I have confronted my W about constant phone call, txts, etc. One of my sons even asked her why OM called so much. She accused me of asking kids to spy on her. They are in fantasy land and will not own up to anything right now. Maybe, one day they will.
The OM in my sitch is newly divorced so I have nowhere to go with my info. In fact, my W was the first person he shared this news with. "We are just friends and he felt comfortable telling me this before he told all of the other school board members." Great, huh?
Just friends, shoulder to lean on, somebody to talk to, blah, blah, blah. Please, God, make it stop!!!! They lie, plain and simple.
Work on you and be the best father that your kids could ever want. That is what I strive for every day.
